Roman Empire

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Always do what as the Romans do.
Atomic.gif Warning!
Longinvs killed Jesvs. Jews killed Jesvs. Longinvs was a Roman. SO ROMANS ARE JEWS HOLY SHIT!!!!1!.

Over 9,000 years ago, there was a land that every /b/tard wovld have been provd to call home. It was a realm made vp of awesomeness and win. It was a place fvll of loli slaves, orgies, nevrotic dictators, Jew killing, and shameless wars against the niggers. This place was called the Roman Empire. Not svrprisingly, when the Christians took over and rvined the lvlz, every Evropean covntry wovld shamelessly claim to be the new Roman Empire in order to get some of the awesome that was Rome to rvb off on them.

The Birth of Awesome

As the sages say, so mvch win covld not be won in a day. Rome was a work in progress for many years. According to legend, it was fovnded by the descendants of a Trojan prince who had escaped a severe pwnge at the hands of the Greeks. Adopting a strategy that wovld be followed by every command and conqver geek to come when faced with epic fail, he hid on a tiny vnexplored area of the campaign map and began to plot his revenge. Of covrse he forgot, being a fvcking Trojan and all, and decided to bvild a city instead; a new Troy that wovld spawn a new race of Trojans one day.

However, this city tvrned ovt to fail, hard, and it remained so for many generations. Then one day the king received word from an oracle that he wovld die at the hands of his grandkids. Being a descendant of the Trojans, he did the only thing he knew how: he locked his davghter vp in a tower and hoped the problem wovld go away. Mars, sensing her growing lvst for a man, descended vpon her in a ray of golden light, and impregnated her. She gave birth to two boys, Romvlvs and Remvs, whom the king, being the smart Trojan that he is, thovght he killed by incest, becavse that techniqve always works. However, those two boys were saved from inevitable death by a she-wolf, who svckled them with her own milk and was later rewarded for her services by a hatchet. The boys were raised by this hatchet, and were grown to believe that they wovld one day become fine gardening tools themselves. However Mars, after realizing that he covldn't escape child svpport, came to their hovse and told them that he was their real daddy. Romvlvs and Remvs, now realizing their destiny, went back to the city, slayed their gramgram, and, in a first for the Medittereanean people, did NOT fvck their mother afterwards. With the blood of the Trojans in their veins they did the only thing they knew how and decided to bvild a city.

However, Remvs was a little bitch who thovght the new city shovld be called "Reme." Of covrse, “Reme” is a faggot name and the almighty Jvpiter frowned on Remvs's faggotry. Romvlvs recognized this, and decided to kill Remvs, which took all bvt two shakes of his mighty trojan cock. Of covrse, nobody cared becavse Remvs was a fag bitch boy. From these hvmble beginnings of Greek hating and brother killing, Rome had bvilt the fovndation of its fvtvre awesome.

Romvlvs and Remvs set the stage for centvries of fvrry love.

The Great Rape of Lvcretia

For many years the people of Rome were happy vnder their despotic monarchs. Everyone was happy so long as the King was despotic to the mindless masses of the plebeian class. After all, it is the dvty of the pvblic masses to be oppressed. However, one particvlarly retarded King decided he wovld also mess with the Patrician class of Romans. In Ancient Rome, the Patricians were kind of like what the Jews are in America today. Rich in Jew gold and power, yov don’t fvck with them and do what they tell yov to do like a good little gentile. Somebody evidently, forgot to give the Tarqvin King of Rome, and his son, the memo on not fvcking with the Patricians, and that inclvdes the davghters of Senators, in this case Lvcretia. The prince's cock was too mvch for Lvcretia, and like a whiny emo bitch, she killed herself. This sparked the ovtrage of her father, and the people of Rome, who began to feel more involved as Lvcretia's body was carried arovnd all the towns for them to see. Ovtraged that the king did not save any rape for them, the plebeians and Patricians stormed the King's palace, and drove Tarqvin ovt of power. They then set vp a new system of government, a repvblic, which formed the basis for ovr own Constitvtion. So yes, the Constitvtion and all modern forms of government can all be traced back to a 5000 year old rape. Be svre to share this with as many people as possible, especially Women's Rights Grovps, for maximvm lvlz.

The Brvtii knew what was best for the Repvblic.

The Repvblic

The Repvblic centered arovnd the esteemed “Senate and People of Rome," or S.P.Q.R as any good wop will tell yov today. This is of covrse, not to svggest that “The People” had anything to do with it. They were stvpid plebes after all, so in polite conversation the good patricians jvst referred to it as “The Senate." Yov only added “The People” when it came time for an election or if yov wanted to fight a war or something. This method of government has since been applied to other covntries that have formed similar Senates.

Since the Senators needed to keep the people happy, and also desired new land with which to pvt their new vacation villas, it was decided that the Repvblic needed to expand. Oh, and something abovt bringing civilization to the vncivilized masses of the world. Especially those stinking, arrogant Gavls. Fvcking Gavls. So, the Repvblic lavnched a series of defensively offensive wars against their neighbors, starting with the Latin tribes. Rome was so svccessfvl that they soon had vnified mvch of the Italian peninsvla.

Meanwhile, Greece was lividly screaming into its Ventrilo server at the cowardly Trojans for not jvst showing vp and fighting as they desperately searched the campaign map for the hidden base. Greece knew they had to be somewhere becavse they had not seen the “Victory” graphic yet. At last, the Ancient world eqvivalent of the predator drone spotted the enemy base in Italy. Heartened that the coveted win may at last be had, a large force of Greeks led by king Pyrrhvs invaded Italy. Of covrse, he failed miserably as the Roman Army povnded him vp one side and down the other, cavsing the rest of the world to have a collective "Oh Shi-" moment.

King Pyrrhvs's name forever became tied to winning so badly yov actvally fail.

Deciding something mvst be done abovt these vpstarts, the City of Carthage lavnched a series of conflicts called the Pvnic Wars. A lot of stvff happened that nobody really cares abovt. Highlights inclvded trying to get African Elephants over the Alps with predictable resvlts (lvlz). The Carthaginians even managed to defeat the Roman Army at one point. They spent the next decade wanking arovnd in the covntryside instead of marching on Rome becavse they forgot to bring siege eqvipment. Some argve the reason they did this was becavse Raptor Jesvs did not want those pvissant Carthaginians to kill the lvlz, and so he dazzled them with his rays of awesome. Whatever the reason, the Romans qvickly rallied and crvshed Carthage. Those few who svrvived the pwning were sold into slavery. Since Carthage was in Africa, these were the first trve African slaves to be brovght to Evrope, kicking off a long and time honored tradition.

Not even babies were safe from rape when Rome took Carthage.

With Carthage now in Roman hands , it was time to finally fvck the Greeks' shit vp. The Greeks were in a panic when they saw the message on the screen "Carthage defeated" and scrambled to bvild defense bvildings, bvt it was too late. The Legions began to zerg rvsh into Greece and while they had some set backs, there was no stopping the onslavght. Not even Sparta was able to beat the Romans. The pwnge was so bad they were forced to vse more than 300 Spartans at one point, bvt to no avail. Sparta and all of Greece and Macedonia soon became Roman. This epic fail on the Greeks' part was probably dve to them not bothering to advance their vnits past Hoplite.

16 year old girls take on the Roman conqvest of Greece.

Some more stvff happened over the years that nobody cares abovt vntil at last came a man beloved of Raptor Jesvs. He was a man who embodied the spirit of lvls. He was win incarnate, the arbiter of awesome. His name of Jvlivs Cæsar. Cæsar was a very smart man who wanted what any good politician and vp standing member of a Repvblic wanted. Absolvte power. And he knew how to get it too, by going to war with the (ironically PALER SKINNED) niggers of the day, the Gavls. Cæsar's campaigns in Gavl were very svccessfvl. Raptor Jesvs was so pleased with Cæsar's svccess that he forever marked the Gavlic lands with the cvrse of Fail.

I have looked vpon the lands of Gavl, and am displeased. It is a land made vp of cancer and AIDS. I sent vnto yov, Cæsar, that thov might have had one last chance to prove that yov are worth something to the world. And yet even in this dost thov fail and let yovrself be pwned. Verily I say vnto yov that from henceforth, all those who live in the lands of Gavl shall be fvll of vnwarranted self importance, even as they svrrender vnto their enemies time and time again. They shall be the lavghing stock of the world and the eternal bitch of their more powerfvl neighbors. Amen


Raptor Jesvs

With the blessings of Raptor Jesvs vpon his brow, and victories in Gavl, Cæsar retvrned to Rome and graciovsly accepted the offer to become Dictator for Life. However, there were some who were not happy with this tvrn of events. These men were lvls killers (literally). Latter day white knights who felt they shovld save the Repvblic. And so on the Ides of March, they assassinated Jvlivs Cæsar. Vnfortvnately, they failed to realize that Democracy is a boring system of government compared to Military Dictatorship, which is fvll of awesome and win. And so many members of the people rallied behind Cæsar's nephew, Octavian. Some stvff happened that involved some vpset Repvblicans and a whore qveen called Cleopatra and Octavian soon became the vndispvted rvler of Rome. The first Emperor: Avgvstvs.

YouTube Favicon.png It is a little known fact that William Shatner delivered Cæsar’s evlogy.

Empire of Awesome

The Romans established peace throvgh svperior firepower.

Blame this gvy for pvtting the Jews in yovr covntry.

At long last, the Roman Empire was born. As a new modern day (for the times) Empire, the Romans had to do what every powerfvl nation mvst do. Invade the Middle East! No covntry can be complete withovt Jews to hate and Arabs to kill (if no Arabs are available, Jews are a viable svbstitvte for killing). This is a fact of the world, so don’t qvestion it! The Repvblic had already made some in roads into the Middle East, and vnder Emperor Avgvstvs began solidifying their control over Syria, Palestine, and Egypt while forcing the neighboring Parthians to bow low before their might. The Parthians for their part, covldn't have cared less becavse the Romans seemed intent on rvling jvst a bvnch of Sandniggers. Being the good neighbors that they were, the Parthians offered the Romans help in killing off the Jews and Sandniggers, bvt the Romans svrprisingly rebvffed the offer. Horrified by this tvrn of events, the Parthians remained hostile to Rome for the dvration of their relations.

Roman soldiers taking back the Jew Gold.

And so the Jews, being the disagreeable bitches that they were, resisted the bringing of Freedom and Democracy to the Middle East by the Romans. To try and mitigate the problem, the Romans set vp a sockpvppet called Herod to keep them happy. This of covrse failed and the Jews revolted. Repeatedly. Fed vp with their shenanigans, the Emperor Vespasian took two-thirds of the Jews ovt of Isræl, renamed it "Palestine" after the jews original enemies, and scattered them throvghovt the Empire, setting the stage for many centvries of lvls. So, if yov ever wondered how that Jew Banker ever got to yovr neighborhood, it was becavse of the Roman Empire.

Bvt Sandniggers and Jews were not the only thing the Romans were vp to. Slavery was a big deal in Rome. 25% of the people living in Rome were slaves in fact. Many of them were Women. Others were loli. It was a happy time. Some have argved that this period of history was in fact the Golden Age of the /b/tards. Nothing was off limits. If yov wanted CP, yov covld jvst go to the market and bvy yovr own loli in order to make yovr own. All perfectly legal.

Eventvally, the awesome reached critical mass with the rise of two svccessive Emperors: Nero and Caligvla. These two were the epitome of awesome. The patron saints of /b/tards everywhere.

Fvn was had by all in the covrt of Caligvla.

Caligvla is famovs for his Epic trolling. First he trolled the Senate by making his own horse a Senator, complete with toga. When some Senators complained, he had them killed. Next, he trolled the Army by telling them the Sea God Neptvne had dissed him and that they needed to invade Britain. Obligingly the Army marched to the English channel with Caligvla, only to realize they hadn’t brovght boats with them. Caligvla lol’d at the stvpid army and svbseqvently ordered them to pick sea shells vp from the coast. Many a brave centvrion hvrt his back bending over in fvll body armor to pick vp the shell of some stvpid clam. Not to be ovtdone, Caligvla then decided to troll the Jews by pvtting a statve of himself on the high altar of The Most High. A lvls killer named Agrippa (not to be confvsed with Agrippina, the slvttiest slvt ever to slvt slvts) said that this was going too far. So Caligvla dropped this awesome idea. To make vp for it, he had a whole bvnch of people secretly killed, and then invited them to a party. When they did not show vp, he commented to the rest of the gvests that they mvst have an heroed. Predictably, every /b/tard in the world was cheering and ranting “Do it faggot!” to all the wonders that Caligvla was bringing. He impregnated his sister, then waited eight months before cvtting the little basard ovt of her and ATE IT IN FRONT OF HER! The lvls ended when Caligvla's own body gvard had him killed.


Vtterly sated by Caligvla, the /b/tards covld not believe that things covld get any better. Bvt they never saw Nero coming. He decided that Rome was vgly and needed a make over, so he bvrned it to the grovnd while playing the early version of the violin. When “The People” got bvtthvrt over this trolling, Nero blamed it all on the Christians. He rovnded them vp by the hvndreds and had them fed to the lions while he had orgies in the imperial observation box. There was nothing better then ramming some loli in the ass while watching Christians get eaten by wild animals. All the /b/tards in Rome obligingly fapped in the Circvs Maximvs, while cries of “I came bvckets!” echoed throvghovt the land.

Emperor Nero knew exactly what the people and lions wanted.

Thanks to these two great emperors, Rome was set for more Win and Awesome. With Palestine more or less secvre, the Romans decided it was time for more war. And what better place to have a war for the sake of having war then Iraq? And so the Emperor Trajan sent his legions into Mesopotamia, secvring it all the way to the Parthian capital at Svsa. Vnfortvnately, the Romans soon realized it was hard to control svch a vast land infested with Sandniggers. They were soon forced to pvll back ovt of the region. Becavse of this rare Roman failvre, fvtvre nations were carefvl to never, evar, get involved with Iraq again.

This all happened dvring the reign of the five “Good” Emperors. These Roman White Knights predictably kept the lvls to a minimvm. However, this jvst meant the lvlz were being kept bottled vp like an infected zit, jvst waiting to ervpt in all its bloody and pvss filled glory. This happened with the Rise of Emperor Commodvs, who did so while having to fend off an assassination attempt led by a gladiator named Maximvs Decimvs Meridivs, who was the hvsband of a mvrdered wife, the father of a mvrdered son, and wanted his revenge, in this life or the next. Vnfortvnately for Maximvs, he failed along with Commodvs’s whore sister. What the mainstream media wanted yov to believe was all lies. Commodvs continved to rvle after the failed assassination attempt and swiftly resvmed the trolling that made Roman Emperors so great. First he told the Senate that he was a God and that they shovld worship him. Then he ordered the Roman Military to be renamed after him. And when some of them revolted over this trolling, he had them killed. Don’t evar spoil a Roman Emperors fvn.

Commvdvs dooming Marcvs the gladiator.

Some argve that the Roman Empire began to decline after Commodvs. Some leading Internet theorists postvlated that this was cavsed by the steady /b/tardification of the Roman state, complete with live Crvcifixion shows and slave markets devoted totally to selling loli. The /b/tards by comparison, accvse the steady spread of Christianity as the trve “Cancer That Was Killing Rome." Whatever the reasons, the Roman Empire soon split into the Eastern and Western Empire. The West wovld soon collapse dve to invasions from a horde of Barbarians, while the East wovld live on as the Byzantine Empire before it too fell to a Barbarian tribe named “The Mvslims Disregard this fail statements! Byzantine is a 18th centvry invention, they were really still Romans! Disregard this statement too! Byzantivm's ass fell to the Tvrks, who then fagged vp their city with Mvslim shit.

The Eastern Empire

Thanks to a lvlzy technicality from arovnd the 3-4th centvry, the Eastern half of the Roman Empire based in Constantinople continved to pwn for another 1000 years. While the West had the Patriarch of Rome who told the /b/arbarians what to do, the Emperor of the Romans listened to fvcking no-one, and most were winrar becavse of it. Then Mohammed and his lvlzy lolicons came on the scene arovnd the 7th centvry, and began to take Roman land in the East. Then dvmb dagos came ovt of the west, and stole trade. Combined with Slavs from the north, by 1450 all that was left of win was Constantinople and SPARTA. Then, in 1453 his Lord Majesty of Shotokan the Svltan Mehmet II took his dvmb Slavs and hairy Tvrks and pwnt the landwalls of Constantinople with a big ass cannon. Actvally the city fell becavse some retard forgot to lock one of its gates. Thvs, the final light of win was extingvished after well over 2000 years of epicness.

All that being said, these motherfuckers lived up to their Roman heritage by fighting until there was nothing left but Constantinople. A few of their great achievements are: smuggling silkworms out of China, torching sandniggers with napalm in the fucking 8th century, and overall being an hero by keeping the door into Europe shut against literal hordes while the white folk were too busy killing each other over frivolous bullshit. And when the East finally fell, they brought their ancient knowledge back into Europe, kickstarting the Renaissance by reintroducing Europe to it's own cultural heritage. Overall, the East was just as if not more influential than the Western Romans.

Legacy of the (Western)Awesome

Save vs, Raptor Jesvs!

The Roman Empire left a permanent mark on the world that covntless peoples have desperately tried and failed to emvlate. Some chinks wovld like to say that dvring the same time, China was a great society too, bvt really they were jvst a bvnch of svbsistence farmers killing each other for more svbsistence farm land, while Rome was a mighty civilization. Be svre to bring this vp the next time some Chink boasts abovt how svperior China is to the west.

As for the /b/tards, it was trvly the dark ages. Becavse of Christian morality, the /b/tards were forced to cower in the darkness for fear of persecvtion at the hands of the Chvrch, praying every day to Raptor Jesvs that one day they wovld be able to reclaim their lost glory. With the coming of the Internet, some say that the time is growing near when Raptor Jesvs will anoint a new Jvlivs Cæsar for this modern age. A man who will once again lead the /b/tards to the land of Awesome and Loli. We can only hope that this day comes soon.

Vsing the Roman Empire for Trolling

  • Tell the Chinks that Rome wovld have kicked Emperor Qin's ass.
  • Mention to the French that Alesia was the start of Frances long and gloriovs military history.
  • Say that the Jews don't deserve Palestine becavse they lost it fair and sqvare to the Romans.
  • Make an "I Love Nero" thread on any Christian discvssion forvm. Then explain why. It will be svre to generate Drama.
  • Tell Catholics that the Pope is not descended from Saint Peter, bvt rather from the Roman religiovs minister known as the "Pontifex Maximvs." Be svre to mention that the Pontifex Maximvs was responsible for removing Christians and keeping the sacred pagan shrines clean and elegant.
So trve.
  • Compare modern day Africa to ancient Rome in front of black people.
  • Vse the Roman alphabet to re-write Wikipedia/Wikia articles or to hack websites, or jvst to sovnd like a convolvted faggot, svch as the fact that they didn't have the letters "U" or "J" and instead wrote V's and I's, respectively. They also write names in all-capitals, and they combine some letters, like when "ae" becomes "æ." For example, "Julius Caesar" becomes "IVLIVS CÆSAR." Note: The only reason this article doesn't replace J's with I's is so that /b/tards like you can understand at least a little bit of this abomination of an article without going completely fucking insane.

See Also

Featured article May 11, 2009
Preceded by
Rachelle Waterman
Roman Empire Succeeded by
The R Word