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    Emmy Rossum

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    File:Stonedlookingemmy.jpg
    This vacant look is what made her famous!

    Emmy Rossum is a minor, mediocre talent in the entertainment world. And when we say minor, we mean that she has been in only one movie that wasn't shit. That movie was Mystic River, and it wasn't shit because Emmy played a dead girl in it. She mysteriously rose from the sea last Thursday and has been attention whoring like you wouldn't believe since then.

    She is known to be fucking stupid, especially when it comes to researching her roles. For instance, to prepare for her role in The Phantom of the Opera, she looked at pictures of ballerinas instead of taking dance lessons, took maybe one voice lesson, and studied the Holocaust to understand the fear that Christine Daae felt when the Phantom was stalking her. Because, apparently, Christine is a Jew and the Phantom is Hitler.


    In the Beginning...

    Emmy discovered her singing talent while she was giving head to her father. As she hummed around his penis to increase pleasure, he came so quickly that she knew she must have talent. In his post-orgasmic bliss, he told his daughter "You have talent." He then took his daughter to the Metropolitan Opera and had her sing "Happy Birthday" to the choral director. Because Emmy could, as most small children can, sing and stay somewhat on pitch, she was hired on the spot. The five years she spent in the children's chorus would provided many lulz to trained opera singers years later, when her retarded fanbase insisted that five years in a children's chorus made Emmy a trained opera singer.

    After the Chorus

    After her brief stint in the children's chorus, Emmy Rossum dropped out of school and decided she wanted to be a movie star. She was in numerous crap movies, such as The Day After Tomorrow, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Mystic River (where she played a dead girl and was onscreen for at least 100 seconds), and Nola. But her big break came when she allowed both Joel Schumaker (responsible for ruining the Batman movies) and Andrew Lloyd Webber (An amazing composer) to put it in her ass, thus resulting in her starring role in Andrew Lloyd Webber's crapfest movie, The Phantom of the Opera. She was given the female lead, and she and that one fag from 300 proceeded to fucking raep the shit out of Phantom of the Opera.

    The movie was panned, and so were Emmy's acting skills (some of the deaf critics loved her beautiful voice, however). Since then, Emmy has been in only one other movie: Poseidon. Poseidon was a shitty remake of a shitty 70's movie about a boat sinking and everyone dying. Emmy played a stupid, spoiled whore named Jennifer who did nothing but bitch and whine throughout the whole movie.

    Realizing that her movie career was soon to be over because of her blatant lack of talent, Emmy started going to random red-carpet events wearing horrible tacky clothes in the hopes that she would get attention.

    File:Emmytackydress.jpg
    I CAN HAZ ATTENSHUN NOW PLZ?

    Her brilliant plan worked flawlessly, because she's a household name now.

    Still desperate to prove that she has talent, Emmy did what all the other shit actresses of our day have done...she started working on an album. But this was not any album. This album was to be produced by Moby, possibly the only man who is as mediocre as Emmy. She claims to be writing deep, meaningful lyrics, but so far, everything she's written sounds like a 16 year old girl's bad poetry. It is also synthpop and heavily computerized, making it a failure of epic proportions.

    Emmy's fanbase

    While Emmy herself is a Myspace whore, as well as a shitty actress and singer, she has not shown herself to be much of a lulzcow (although her interviews are full of unwarranted self-importance). Emmy's fanbase, however, is another story. They are amazing lulzcows.

    Emmy Rossum's fanbase consists of psychos, girls who think they can sing, IMDB users, and your mom. They are a great source of lulz and drama, because saying anything remotely critical of their goddess makes them immensely butthurt.


    Here's an example of what happens when you post anything critical of Emmy the Jew on ANY forum even remotely related to Emmy Rossum, or the Phantom of the Opera, or Broadway, etc, etc, etc.


    You: You know, I wasn't impressed by Emmy Rossum. I mean, she really didn't act that well. She just kind of made the same "I'm really high" face or faked orgasms every time a male touched her. And her singing...shit, Sanjaya was better.

    Psycho Emmy Fan: HOMG UR FCKING IGNORENT AND STUPID AND U HAVE NO IDE WHT UR TALKING ABOOT EMMY IS GOD AND YOU COULDN'T DO ANYWHERE NEAR AS GOOD

    You: Actually, I'm a professional musician.

    Psycho Emmy Fan: YEAH WELL U KNO WAT I AM A HOLLYWUD PRO I KNO TALENT U R FUKIN STUPID AND UR LYIN.

    Repeat ad nauseam.

    Emmy Rossum the Butthurt Jew

    Last Thursday, Emmy Rossum realized that the LJ community known as emmy_sucks existed. And when asked about it, she attempted to prove to the world how un-butthurt she was in a TL;DR interview:

    50. How do you react to websites and blogs like ES which devote themselves to denigrating you personally and your work?

    I have never seen those blogs or read them although someone once told me they exist. I don’t think it’s worthwhile to fixate on the negative when one is trying to build a happy and constructive life. I have hardly enough time in the day and days in the year to make music, work on films, see my friends and family and contribute whatever I can to the charities and organizations where I can make a little difference in the world.

    51. How do you react to people on websites judging your personal and professional relationships with other people?

    I never understood how people could “judge” someone they don’t know and especially based on supposition, rumor or information they get in the tabloids. The majority of stuff you read in the tabloids is “crafted” to sell magazines and basically untrue. The statements on websites about celebrities are opinions or suppositions or deliberate fabrications designed to increase readership and therefore revenue. Even reputable newspapers or magazines will sometimes reword or rewrite or misquote a celebrity for “greater effect.” For the record, I do want to say, I never called myself the “anti-slut” or “anti-Britney” because that is just not part of my vocabulary and I would never put anyone else down to boost myself up. Only my family and close circle of friends really know who I am and what my personal relationships are. I value their opinions because they are based on the truth and their intentions are based on love.


    Summary:Avenge my butthurtz!!


    How to Sing Like Emmy

    File:Emmysinging.jpg
    If your mouth is open wider than this when you're singing opruh, you are doing it wrong.
    1. Throw whatever training you have out the window. Emmy's too good to take voice lessons, and so are you, dammit!
    2. Make sure your jaw is really tense ALL the time. Emmy's jaw is always tense. I'll let you imagine why.
    3. Sing through your nose. Trust me, everyone loves a nasal tone.
    4. Find unique, bizarre ways to pronounce your vowels. You're too good for proper diction.
    5. You must make weird sex faces when you sing, otherwise you are doing it wrong.

    Just follow those simple steps, and you too will be amazing, just like your idol, Emmy!

    See Also

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    Featured article May 31, 2011
    Preceded by
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