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    Earthbound IRL

    The Mother series of epic RPGs for the NES SNES and Game Boy Advance were produced by Nintendo and are the most overrated games among retrofags, Super Smash Bros fanboys, and autistic adults. Earthbound is known as TEH BEST FUKKEN SNES GAME OF ALL TIEM!!!1 to Nostalgiafags and EB fantards. It mostly involves a little 13 year old and his friends bashing and destroying weird enemies like walking mushrooms, talking traffic signs, suicide bombing trees, hippies, Mad Taxis, Putrid Modlymen, barf piles, niggers, Jews, and other random enemies by using baseball bats, frying pans, bottle rockets, and PSI attacks, plus an incredibly broken battle system, that's right, you can get fucked up by a small mouse or a bunch of even-smaller slugs as they always have to attack first...even when you need to restore health, you must first let them attack you. EarthBound was the only game in the Mother series released in the Jewnited States of Americunts since Japanese people enjoy IRL trolling Americunts for teh lulz by refusing to release the other games in the series. As a result, some die-hard EarthBound fanboys decided to make an unofficial translation of Mother 3. Only one lucky basement dweller holds the sole original copy of the English version of the first game. He then proceeded to put the ROM onto the Internet, so everyone else could torrent it.

    Mother 3 was actually supposed to be on the Nintendo 64, but since Shigesato Itoi was a noob and didn't know that a game as big as he wanted was impossible, it suffered the fate of Duke Nukem Forever until he decided to try again on Game Boy Advance.

    Creator Shigesato Itoi is often regarded as a genius
    File:Pedobear Earthbound.png
    Typical EarthBound gameplay
    An EB collector's wet dream

    The games

    Mother (Earth Bound, but everyone calls it Earthbound Zero)

    Despite being a bad Dragon Quest clone, it was very successful in Japan, merely because it was made by a celebrity, Shigesato Itoi, whose only game that he'd played before then was Dragon Quest, of course. He didn't know how to make a game and paid some guys to make it for him. The towns have DQN names like Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Valentine, Easter, etc. So the translator changed them.

    The story is: Ninten's great-grandparents, George and Maria, were kidnapped by aliens at least 100 years ago. George was a bad enough dude to escape, but left his wife to die on an alien planet. As you don't find out until the end of the game, Maria raised a baby alien, and George stole precious information and technology from the aliens, but didn't use it for anything, instead living the rest of his life forever alone. When the actual game starts, Ninten is in his room when he gets attacked by his lamp. After saving his sisters from a possessed magical doll and memorizing the exact melody that one of them sings instead of freaking out, he learns that there's an alien invasion. On the way to the town of Mother's Day, he gets attacked by smoking crows, zombies, and random guys. He saves a loli named Pippi from a zombie-infested graveyard and takes her back home. Then he goes to the zoo where the animals are rampaging. And in the zoo he beats up an alien robot. Later he touches a pink rock and warps to Magicant. He meets the queen (who's really Maria) who wants him to risk life and limb to journey around the region with no particular goal except to help her remember a song. (which was Giygas's lullaby) He escapes from Magicant, goes to the school in Thanksgiving, and busts out a nerd named Lloyd, who nobody cares about because he's such a pussy, and he was hiding in a trash can. He helps Lloyd sneak into factories, steal explosives, and blow up shit. Then, they ride a train. Optionally, they go and kidnap a Christian loli named Ana, who's in love with Ninten because he found her hat, even though they've never met before. After more tl;dr adventures, they end up in Valentine, where, optionally, they meet a gangster with a knife, named Teddy, who they fight after they sing in a nightclub. After, he joins because he wants to climb Holy Loly Mountain, but boots out Lloyd. On Holy Loly Mountain, Ana confesses her love for Ninten (Paula doesn't even do this in the sequel) and they all get beaten up by a giant robot and blasted by Lloyd in a tank. Teddy dies (but this is retconned in the rerelease) and Lloyd comes back. Higher on the mountain, they get a giant robot to join the party, which pwns everything, but breaks when you leave. After finding all 8 melodies, you fight Giygas (who looks like a normal alien in this one) by singing, because Giygas is a nostalgiafag, too. There really wasn't any room for a sequel, even though they added a stinger at the end in the rerelease, so the sequel had completely different characters (aside from Giygas) and locations, and made no reference (aside from Giygas) to the plot of this game.

    Also, Ninten has asthma.

    EarthBound (Mother 2: Giygas Strikes Back)

    Some argue that The Devil's Machine looks like Goatse.

    The story began one night in a city called Onett (located in Eagleland) in the year 199X. Ness, the protagonist, woke up as a meteorite landed on a hill nearby his house. So, like any other curious kid, he decided to check it out with his dog, King, and next door neighbor, Pokey. A fly/alien/whatever named Buzz Buzz appeared at the site and told Ness that he must stop Giygas from destroying the world because the Apple of Enlightenment predicted that it will happen. About five minutes later Pokey's mom swats Buzz Buzz because she, like most sane people, doesn't like having a fly in her house. Buzz Buzz then gave Ness a Sound Stone, so he could collect the sounds of various melodies needed to kill Giygas. So after Ness helps Pokey/Porky, he goes to save the world packing up, and going to beat people's asses to meet 2 guys and a girl that the Apple of Enlightenment told him to find and beat Giygas. Later on, after being molested and raped many times, a girl named Paula uses her telekinetic powers to tell Ness to save her and to rescue her from Mr. Carpainter and from the Insane cultists of the Happy Happy Religious Group. Then, just after Ness and Paula make a quick getaway, the ATF arrives and exterminates every cultist and their leader in Happy Happy Village. After saving Paula, Ness hitchhikes on a bus that belongs to a music group called The Runaway Five and moves on to a town that is overrun by zombies. Afterwards, Paula communicates with Jeff and Jeff later meets with Ness and Paula after sneaking out of his boarding school and riding a super helicopter that his father invented. Then they head over to a place called Summers and end up tripping balls when a woman feeds them Magic Cake. Poo undergoes his training and is told by his master that he must teleport to Summers and to join Ness. Many TL;DR scenes later, after finding the 8 melodies, Dr. Andonuts creates a time machine to send Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo back in time to defeat Giygas. He builds his machine and transfers their souls into robotic bodies. In return, Dr. Andonuts molests Paula. In the final battle, they fuck up Pokey (but Pokey runs away like the coward he is) and defeat Giygas by praying to not die since Giygas is vulnerable to human emotions.

    tl;dr: Deus ex machina ftw! And by Deus, we mean you, the player.

    The Truth

    File:Giygas abortion.jpg
    A rapist is you!

    Mother 3 (EarthBound 2: Electric Boogaloo)

    Like most of their other games, Nintendo whored out EarthBound in the Super Smash Bros. series.

    At least 100 years after the events of Earthbound, Porky and his Pigmask Army invade the Nowhere Islands and end up slaying many civilians and spreading swine flu to survivors. After the Pigmasks murder Lucas's mom, Flint swears to get revenge on the Pigmasks who killed his wife. Claus tried to kill the draco that killed his mom, but ends up dissapearing. Ness and his father later meet Kumatora, and help her her defeat the Pigmasks who were taking their turns raping her. Later, Alec tells Flint about the Magypsies, a group of flashy cross-dressers who protect the so-called "Seven Needles". The Seven Needles seal off a Dark Dragon, which is capable of fucking over everything. After going through a forest, they eat hallucinogenic mushrooms after getting hungry, since they were too Jew. Afterwards they have an LSD trip and end up in the middle of some jungle. After finding the last of the Seven Needles in New Pork City, they fight Porky, and when Porky loses the battle, his plan end up backfiring when he resorts to getting into the "Absolutely Safe Capsule", which is a machine that keeps the person inside safe. However, The machine can nevar be opened from the outside or from the inside, which means that Porky becomes trapped in a machine for the rest of eternity. After causing Pokey to pwn himself, Lucas confronts the Masked man, which turns out to be his brother Claus. Claus accidentally kills himself when he tries to zap Lucas, but Lucas's Franklin Badge causes the lightning to reflect and to hit Claus. Lucas then pulls the last needle and the world blows up.

    Mother 4


    EarthBound Zero (Mother)

    Nobody cares about the characters in this game.

    EarthBound (Mother 2)

    Ness is pretty awesome too, amirite?
    Some say the game has deep symbolic messages.
    Typical Fanart

    Mother 3


    EarthBound fans

    Earthbound fans are either retrofags, Super Smash Bros fanboys or weeaboos. The retrofags are the Earthbound fans who spend most of their time playing SNES games on their TV in their basement, playing pirated SNES ROMs on their computer and masturbating to rule 34 pictures of Paula or Kumatora, drawing Earthbound fanart, and browsing the internet for Earthbound fanart. Smash fags only play this fucking game just because Ness and Lucas appear in SSBB. The rest of the Earthbound fans are weeaboos who play Earthbound just because it was a game made in Japan and because they believe that Ness and Paula looks so kawaii ^_^.

    Note: Keep in mind that if you encounter an EarthBound/Mother fantard in SSBB, he will only use Ness or Lucas.

    deviantards loves earthbound

    deviantART is bloated with over 9000 EarthBound fanart pictures, with a majority of them drawn in animu style. Your typical Earthbound fanart pic on deviantart involves Ness and Paula or Lucas and Kumatora together, Ness and Co. drawn in desu kawaii animu style, or sketches of Giygas. There's also plenty of Ness/Lucas shota if you're so inclined. There are also decent comics about ness's early childhood where Ness is a fatass, and we are not just saying that because the creator is hot.

    No EB? On my VC?

    A well-known drama in the EarthBound fanbase is the so-called re-release of the game to the Wii's Virtual Console. The rumor about it started when a new rating of the game had been posted, which many assumed was for the VC. Of course, to crush their hopes of seeing their precious game on the service, Nintendo stated that the game couldn't be released, and most people guessed it was due to sampled music and allusions to what was in 10 years ago. This left many EB fans butthurt since they knew that if the game could sell well on the VC, then Mother 3 would have had it's own release (and not just be a fan-made translation). Of course if you have homebrew you can easily put it on the vc yourself.

    Neither the first nor second games are on Japan's VC, either, although a 5-minute demo of it is on the Japanese Brawl.

    Bound Together

    As is common with popular video games, fans always make remixes of the music. EarthBound is no exception to this. A slight difference though is that all of the songs were done as a project called Bound Together, and not all of the songs are even remixes. Yep, there's original fan-made songs within the compilation. Here are some examples of this wonderful music project:

    Interested fans of the game can check the whole thing out here.

    Shipping faggotry

    Just like any other franchise, EarthBound has fallen victim to shipping wars and shipping faggotry. Some argue that Ness is in love with Paula, while others believe that they are just friends. When people mention this crap in forums, flame wars erupt, and EB fanboys start performing ad hominem attacks against other EB fantards. One example of the NessxPaula shipping faggotry can be found here. EB-shipping fags went batshit when Mother 3 was released in Japan, arguing with other EB fantards that Lucas and Kumatora love each other.

    Typical fanfiction

    What? This article does not need any more retarded fanfiction stories, not at all.
    You can help by not adding anything, especially not retarded fanfiction stories.
    Info non-talk.png Warning! TL;DR ahead!

    The wedding of Ness & Paula

    The bright light of the sun shines in the middle of the church of Onett, as a young boy stands in front of the congregation. He is known as the boy who saved Eagleland from the wrath of Giygas. His name is Ness. He is dressed in a black tuxedo, with a blue cummerbund around his waist. He also has a matching bowtie of the same color, as well as the stripe on his top hat. He was really happy for this day. The day he marries the girl who helped him save his world from Giygas. The one he has been sweet towards: Paula. He looked back to remember the event that has led to this day a couple of months ago.


    Ness and Paula successfully defeated Giygas, with his two friends' help. Before Jeff Andronuts and Poo depart, Ness said that he needs to confess something to Paula, so they thought they may as well stick around for it.

    Ness took Paula's hand and begins to speak. "Paula, we may have been with each other for some time, along with our two friends, and I knew that after I saved you from that monster in the Fourside Department Store, I thought I have to repay you. So, with that said, I'm going to tell you this: Paula, I love you."

    Paula gasped as she knew about what she was about to tell him the whole time. "N-Ness, That's what I'm trying to tell you as well!" She then started hugging Ness. "I love you too!"

    Jeff and Poo, along the others in Saturn Village, aww'd in joy. Dr. Saturn even smiled to them. "So that's what Jeff's telling me before you went off to fight Giygas. You two are in love. Ding." Dr. Saturn told them.

    Ness gave Jeff a cold stare at Jeff. "Look, I knew something's making you two uneasy, so I thought I explain it to Dr. Saturn. He thought you two are in love. But now that you two already confessed your love for one another, he's right."

    Ness rolled his eye back at him and back to Paula. "Well, I also have another thing to tell you, but this will change both our lives." He said to her as he pulls out a small, black, velvet box and opened it, containing an engagement ring with a sapphire gem that matches her eyes. He got down on his one knee and pops the question. "Paula, will you marry me?"

    Paula's heart starting to beat rapidly as she heard what Ness has just asked. She then hugged him as she accepted. "Yes! Of course Ness! Of course I'll marry you! You made me so happy!" she then kissed him wildly. Ness slid the engagement ring on her ring finger.

    Flashback End

    Ness was still having that flashback, even in his dreams. He even agreed to Jeff that he helps with his homework, which has been accumulated since during their quest, if he wanted to be his best man. He turns to his sister, who is Paula's maid of honor.

    The Bridal Corus began to blare throughout the church, meaning that Ness's bride arrives. The doors opened to reveal Paula, as she walks down the aisle. She looks radiant in her strapless white wedding gown, which fits perfectly for her figure. Her elbow-length-gloved hands clutched her bouquet of roses. She has a white bow on the back of her head, with her beautiful chapel-length veil protruding from it. She took her place near her groom.

    "Well, this is it." Ness whispered at his bride.

    "We're going to be together forever." Paula whispered back.

    The priest took his place and began his spiel. "Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to witness the marriage of the two who has saved our planet from the wrath of Giygas: Ness and Paula. If anyone has any reason why these two should not be together in holy wedlock, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

    Not one single soul objected. Although someone coughed, it didn't break the happy union in any way.

    "Fine, then. Let's begin." The priest then said. "Will you please face each other and join hands?" he then said, as Ness and Paula faced each other and joined their hands. "Ness, will you take this woman, whose hands you hold, choosing her alone to be your wedded wife? Will you live with her in the state of true matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, honor her at all times, and be faithful to her?"

    "I do." Ness responded.

    "And Paula, will you take this man, whose hands you hold, choosing him alone to be your wedded husband? Will you live with him in the state of true matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, honor him at all times, and be faithful to him?" The priest then asked.

    "I do." Paula responded.

    Then, it's time to present the rings. "Ring bearer, please present them their rings." Poo, who agreed to be the ring bearer, placed the cushion, which has the wedding rings, between both the priest and the couple. "These rings symbolize your union. An unbroken circle of love to be worn all the days so long as you both shall love. May the spirit of love bless these rings and may they be a true symbol of the love of the one who gives it, and the one who wears it." Ness took one of them and recited his speech for the exchange of rings.

    "I give you this ring, wear it with love and joy. I choose you to be my partner, to have and to hold from this day forward for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live." Ness then slid the wedding ring on Paula's ring finger, right next to her engagement ring.

    "And I give you this ring, wear it with love and joy. I choose you to be my partner, to have and to hold from this day forward for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live." Paula then recited her speech as she slid the ring on Ness's ring finger.

    The priest smiled as the wedding is about to end with what the two were waiting for. "In as much as you, Ness and Paula, have consented together in the union of matrimony and you have pledged your faith each to the other in the presence of these witnesses, now by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. You may kiss the bride." He then said.

    Ness lifted Paula's veil that is covering her face, snuck his hand around her waist, and then pulled her closer. They then closed their eyes, puckered their lips and then gave each other the most passionate kiss they have ever had in their lives.

    Everyone gave out a cute 'awwwwwwww' by this very sight.

    As the two broke out from their kiss, they walked up the aisle as everyone cheered for the newlywedded couple. They went to the limo and were driven to the site of the reception.


    [Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

    See also

    External links


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    Featured article May 29, 2011
    Preceded by
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    EarthBound Succeeded by
    Katherine Marion
    Featured article November 22 & November 23, 2011
    Preceded by
    Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3
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