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    Duke Nukem 3D

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    After 3D Duke hit a dry-spell...
    Douche Nukem IRL.

    Duke Nukem 3D was a game released a long time ago, soon after the more popular Doom. Nearly identical to one another, both games use the same revolutionary game engine. Are you high?

    Anyway, the engine isn't even 3D, it's like 2.5-D), so anybody who bought Duke Nukem 3D was in fact harshly ripped off.

    What's the story?

    The people who wrote this fine work of literary genius deserve a good firm hand shake, as it really is great. Aliens invade earth for no reason and kidnap attractive women, which is the motivation for the titular Duke (Dick Newcomb) to shoot some guns and make predictable one-liners that are about as funny as cancer. It should also be noted that one of the game's most satisfying activities is to throw money at strippers and subsequently blow them up.

    The whole story of Duke Nukem, in YouTube videos

    Legit review

    Everything > Duke Nukem

    File:Duke nukem 3d 06.jpg
    99% of Duke Nukem 3D's gameplay, tame in comparison to the modern day excesses of such titles as Grand Theft Auto.
    Vote for Trump!

    The difference between Duke Nukem and Doom is its small niche of fanboy faggots, who are convinced that Duke is rock cool, and that knowledge of this fact will get them laid. These deluded people are also convinced that the sequel, Duke Nukem Forever, is nearing completion, but it is a well known fact that this statement is a crock of shit, and said sequel was written off as vaporwareages ago. It now turns out that Gearbox, the developers of the game "borderlands" are finishing the coding and bringing it to release. The difference? borderlands made use of the unreal 3 game Engine, whereas DNF uses a bastardized incarnation of the much older unreal 2 engine. With such a famously talented line up of professionals using such cutting-edge resources, one can only begin to contemplate how impressively stable, well optimized, and visually attractive the game will be.

    Like Doom, Duke Nukem was very popular as a multiplayer game, with geeks and nerds alike playing with one another in LAN groups. Communal actions like these preserve the virginity of these groups.

    Where Is It Now?

    Duke Nukem 3D has aged very badly, more so than its fellow contemporary Doom, when the 13 year olds grew up and realized that spouting phrases like "Hail to the king" and "Come get some!" do in fact sound very silly in civilized company.

    Plus, everyone knows that by then, Quake was the place to be.


    • Mighty Boot - Kick alien ass, or use two foots and walk at the same time. Fuck logic! Actually this foot is even more useless than the fist in Doom.
    • Pistol - It shoots fast and is so terrible that it takes several shots to just kill one Assault Trooper.
    • Shotgun - Excellent utility for mouth-washing.
    • Chaingun Cannon - The weirdest machine gun you will ever encounter.
    • RPG - Unlike the garbage you get to use in Call of Duty, this thing actually blows shit up for real.
    • Pipebomb - It never lands where you actually want it to land. Fucking annoying.
    • Shrink Ray - Pretty fucking useless, as it takes several shots to just get one enemy shrinked, while several other aliens keep shooting at you. Kills minibosses called "Battlelords" faster than anything else. Otherwise, this weapon is useless.
    • Devastator - It blows even more shit up than the RPG, but chews through its ammo faster than the regular murrican through his Happy Meal.
    • Laser Tripbomb - Never works as planned.
    • Freezethrower - Better than the Shrink Ray, but still situational and unreliable.


    • Assault Trooper - Minor annoyance.
    • Assault Captain - Sometimes a pain in the ass as it can teleport.
    • Assault Enforcer - These fuckers refuse to die. They also shit on your carpet.
    • Assault Commander - Fatass floaters that shoot rockets out of their assholes.
    • Pig Cop - Loves to sneak up on you and fuck you up with his shotgun.
    • Recon Patrol Vehicle (RPV) - Shoots pew pew lasers until it crashes, then a Pig Cop comes out and tries to rape you.
    • Pig Cop Tank - Same shit as the RPV. Why do the Pig Cops get all the cool shit anyway?
    • Protozoid Slimer - Aliens rip-off.
    • Protector Drone - Fast, annoying, slashes at you.
    • Shark - It swims and bites, duh.
    • Turret - It's a fucking turret that shoots lasers at you. What the fuck can you write about that?
    • Sentry Drone - The only enemy that geniunely can scare the fuck out of you.
    • Mini Battlelord - The first episode's Battlelord as midget.
    • Battlelord - Shoots with his chaingun, growls, shoots grenades and acts like a wannabe tough guy.
    • Overlord - Useful as emergency toilet.
    • Cycloid Emperor - A cyclops that tries to be as cool as a cyberdemon, but isn't even remotely as iconic.
    • Alien Queen - Likes to throw toasters into the water to kill Duke.

    Still Harassing Bitches

    A long time ago in a suburb far, far away, war was beginning. The internets were failing, /b/tards were hanging themselves in their basement, and soccer moms were using Ventrilo.

    Videocompiler donned the mask of Duke Nukem and struck fiercely. Asses were blown out, throats were shat into and steel balls were said to be owned. Finally, a soccer mom who played Lord of the Rings Online decided to try and reason with this guy, failing miserably.

    When the dust settled, Videocompiler uploaded the video for great justice, epic win, and teh lulz:

    Duke Nukem Kills.

    Other Dukes in recent history

    The only other fellow to carry the handle of "Duke" is John Wayne, but he was a pussy and decided to stay home instead of winning World War II. It's fair to assume that people who call themselves Dukes, or indeed any title related to a peerage, are cocks.

    There Is Another Duke!

    Incredibly, there is another faggot out there who shares Duke's faggy name, as well as his incredibly manly hairstyle.

    A cartoon was made in the early 90s by a tofu-eating hippy named Ted Turner about a bunch of Nazi niggers who summon a blue douche to fight a bunch of other dickheads called Captain Planet. One of the show's many ill-conceived antagonists is named Duke Nukem. This Duke features the same shitty name, body type, haircut, grunty voice and attitude of his video game counterpart.

    Accusations of Plagiarism

    Duke's one-liners are more than "inspired by" the Evil Dead movies - they're blatantly stolen from them. Bruce Campbell (who delivers the lines as Ash in the movies) has been very vocal about the issue. In this interview with Verbosity, Campbell discusses his sentiments:

    Are you familiar with the game Duke Nukem 3D? If so, are you aware of the similarities between its lead character and Ash in the way of mentality and catch phrases? Are you flattered by this sort of "borrowing" of your work?

    What can I say? Maybe they're just cheese-balls who can't conceive of an original idea and feel compelled to rip off Ash. Imitation is indeed a form of flattery, but paying a guy is an even better form.

    And in this interview with IGN for Men:

    The Duke Nukem videogame character is obviously an homage to you, at least your attitude...


    The Duke Nukem character?


    I would say so.

    I'm kidding, I'm well aware of Duke Nukem.

    Have you been approached for the movie at all?

    No, and I would say no because of the way they've handled it.

    How have they handled it?

    Well, they're rip-off artists. Let them get their own damn material. It's called hiring a writer. They're blatantly ripping it off and if I was any kind of litigious guy they would've gotten a phone call by now. It's depressing and I think it's wrong. That's why Tachyon: The Fringe will kick little Duke's ass any day.

    Also note, Duke's line about "kicking ass and chewing bubble gum" was stolen from John Carpenter's They Live, a film which dared to tell the truth.


    External Links

    See Also

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