—David Cameron, 24 June 2016, quitting right after destroying the UK
The Right Honourable David Levita Cameron✡ is the bloke who stuck his dick into a dead pig *and* managed to destroy the United Kingdom while trying to fix it in 2016. Just over one year into his second term of office, he held a gun to his own head and said: "Vote for me or I pull the trigger." The public crept up behind him and shouted "BOO!" and he shat himself and pulled the trigger by accident. Britain decided to leave the EU, Scotland decided to leave the UK, thousands of English people decided to leave England and millions of immigrants realised that they were eventually going to be leaving something-or-other.
His major mistake was allowing his party to spend several decades telling the public that all their problems were caused by being in the EU (immigrants, poverty, unemployment, immigrants, daft laws about bananas, immigrants, and immigrants; roughly in that order), and then expecting people to vote to keep Britain in the EU. He now enters the history books a few rungs below Neville Chamberlain in terms of disastrous prime ministers - and even Tony Blair is said to be grinning with relief. But then, he grins at everything, like a wanking Jap.
He was leader of the Tories (also known as the Party of Evil or Party of First Born Baby Killers) and is charged with making the Lemon Party a.k.a. Labour and Gordon Brown look like a God in comparison to his own incompetence. He has been successful in causing a double dip and appointing of Bum Nose Gideon Osborne as Chancellor.
—David Cameron, Conservative Party Conference speech, 1 October 2014
On May 12th, 2010, he didn't win the General election but still he became the new Prime Minister of the UK thanks to the Jews (also known as the Liberal Democrat Party). You see, he didn't have enough Parliamentary seats for a clearcut majority so he's only now living in 10 Downing Street courtesy of Nick Clegg aka Judas Iscariot, who sold his soul to the Devil for 10 pieces of silver and a blowjob from David Cameron's wife, Samantha Cameron a.k.a Horse Face. Clegg the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party who squeaked out a paltry amount of seats in the election that was enough for Clegg to play cockblocker in allowing Cameron to reign supreme. After all, why bother deciding on the future of one of the most powerful countries in the world when X Factor is coming on?
Clegg, playing Kingmaker, then went into talks with both Cameron and Gordon Brown to see which one would kiss his arse enough to form a power-sharing alliance that would enable Cameron (or Brown) semi-pwnage of the office of Prime Minister, but only on Clegg's terms. This unlikely alliance is somewhat akin to the Ralph Nader ganging up with Republicunts to form a US gummint to fuck with the Dems.
The saddest part is that the only alternative would be to let that one-eyed, Scottish idiot of an unelected scumbag dictator who deserves to die back in, either as part of the Coalition or as a single party.
So far in his reign, Davey-boy has scored a personal trifecta by allowing a man subsequently convicted of phone hacking unrestricted access to ultra top-level classified information to be his personal PR man while he was also employed as Rupert Murdoch's mole in Number 10, elevating a coke-head who hangs around with whores to be Chancellor of the Exchequer and putting a paedophile in charge of censoring Britain's internet. January 2015, and another Cameron appointee is nicked on suspicion of kiddy-diddling.
- 1 DC = "Did cannabis"
- 2 DC = "Did coke"
- 3 Sam Cameron
- 4 Rise to power
- 5 A Reichstag fire for the Noughties
- 6 'Dave' Is Cool
- 7 Doctor Who screwdrivers 'Dave'
- 8 David Cameron: National Tissue
- 9 Dave Cameron: Put Egg On Head
- 10 Controversy
- 11 "Dave" on Conservatism
- 12 "Dave" tries to block pr0n in the UK
- 13 Party political broadcasts
- 14 Make your own "Dave poster"
- 15 External links
DC = "Did cannabis"
Yawn, cannabis use is so common (in both senses of the word; ask a Britfag what that means, Yanks) that you'd be surprised an ambitious upper-crust Tory boy like "Dave" would ever have been associated with the gange an ting, but associated he certainly was, being nearly kicked out of posho school Eton for his joint-related japery. True to form, he avoided expulsion by making a "full and frank" confession to the school's head, while making sure he dropped some of his fellow-tokers in the shit. Nothing daunted, he continued his gear-gluttony at university.
You might think this is nothing terribly exciting, but it means a lot to a Tory prime minister (and one who strangely declined to sue for libel when the facts were published). So much so that he denies it to this very day ... sort of.
—Dave, not confirming or denying
The really amusing thing about this episode is that Dave apparently liked to get stoned to the sound of cod-reggae 1980s wiggers UB40. Lol, what a cunt.
DC = "Did coke"
Or perhaps even "does"?
This is much more like it, and wholly in keeping with the stereotypical "hedonistic-in-private, virtuous-in-public" image for which we have come to know and love the Tory party.
However, precious little evidence of Dave's nasal naughtiness has come to light so far, even though the rumours have never gone away. He was asked about it on Channel Four News, and gave an evasive answer, but when pressed on the matter claimed he'd just denied it. Which was a lie, obviously, so perhaps his supposed denial was a lie too.
He was even asked about his charlie-chasing in Parliament and refused to answer.
Pls to be noting: by "charlie-chasing in Parliament" we do most emphatically not mean that Mr Cameron is alleged to have snorted fairy-dust in the hallowed chambers of the Mother of Democracy itself. That would be very wrong indeed, and there is absolutely no evidence to connect Mr Cameron to the fact that Parliamentary toilets have been proven as boltholes for elected and taxpayer-funded cokeheads.
The real culprits, therefore, remain unidentified.
For more information, see: George Osborne.
March 2010: News has flashed across the British Empire that "Dave"'s "wife" Sam is apparently up the duff using a special man womb. "Dave" performed the insemination by cumming into Sam's mangina while shouting along to the collected speeches of Margaret Thatcher (available on tape cassette from Amazon). Sam has proved that "she" is not a rich bitch by speaking in Estuary English (see The Royal Family) and also by once looking in through the window of Poundstretcher. "She" will be accompanying "Dave" on campaign  to prove that the Tories don't hate poofs provided they dress up like Pantomime Dames and talk like Kenneth Williams.
See also: The Downing Street Affair
Rise to power
Prior to the 2005 general erection "Dave" used to snatch children away in the night for Tory leader Count Dracula. Despite Count Dracula championing popular British issues such as crime, education, cricket and driving the independent state of
Leicest India Multinationalistan (archaically known as Leicester, which is now an utter shit-hole, I know because I live there) into the sea he had an ulterior motive for becoming Prime Minister. It was his true aim to unleash the demonic powers of the Hellmouth situated under 10 Downing Street to bring about the destruction of the world. However, Tony Blair, Guardian of the Hellmouth, was able to destroy Count Dracula with help from his Slayer, Cherie Blair, and the Tories were defeated.
With a vacuum of power now at the top of the Tory Party, ambitious "Dave" was able to mount a challenge for leadership. He was originally mocked for going for the leadership with critics pointing to the lack of any political opinions of his own and having a weak, pale and flabby face, the kind you just want to punch. As the weeks passed though and potential leaders were voted out of the Big Brother house by the public, "Dave" was still hanging on. "Dave" managed to reach Week 11 and in the final defeated Enoch Powell and Geordie 70s dancer Anthony to emerge victorious. He was then, in a grand ceremony, installed with all the customary magic powers of the Tory leader by being anointed in the blood of Margaret Thatcher by Lord Voldemort. Hes fucking epic and yo know it.
1. Get retarded friends in the City banks to burn down the British Economy
2. Blame the Communists, gyppos, laziness, people whose "daddies didn't love them enough" and declare a state of emergency
3. Offer a thousand year Government with George Osborne doing the sums to clear up "the shambles"
4. Win the election and become Fuhrer
5. Champagne all around (except for non-Tories)
5.5 Illegally appoint bankrupt bumchum to civil service position, sit back as he profit-skims fund transfers.
'Dave' Is Cool
'Dave' recognizes that because the British public are so inbred, mentally deficient and ignorant it doesn’t matter what policies he has and as such, he has none. What matters is that he is perceived as being cool. This theory is supported by Coolometer readings of over 9,000 MicroFonzies for Tony Blair in the run-up to the 1997 General Election, which he won in a landslide, compared to the reading of 6.4 MicroFonzies for John Major. Dave was said to have been emitting readings of around 7,500 MicroFonzies as of September 2006 showing his increasing popularity.
One of the things David Cameron has done to become cool is shorten his name from David to 'Dave'. This is because it takes too long to say David and if he were to waste valuable time saying this instead of the abbreviated 'Dave' he would become uncool and die.
One of Britain’s most popular hobbies is binge-drinking and as such 'Dave' is planning on a night out in Newquay this coming Winter where he will honor such great deceased Britons as Winston Churchill, Princess Diana and Anne Robinson. He will do this by consuming 13 pints of low-quality lager, taking a few E’s, hitting someone in the face with an ashtray, vomiting on to the head of a girl giving him fellatio and then to finish off, pass out in a kebab shop. The thoughts of the Queen remain to be unknown over 'Daves poaching of her customary Boxing Day celebrations.
As a gesture of his all-encompassing magnanimity, Dave appointed failed Tory party leader William Hague as his Foreign Secretary, and put failed Tory Party Leader Iain Duncan Smith in charge of the Department for Work and Pensions.
Upon finding out that even Nick Clegg was more popular than him, with 20,000 more Facebook friends than Dave -- which is sort of like finding out that you're less popular than cancer -- Dave did the obvious thing that Tories do to gain friends.
He bought them.
At 50p a time.
As a result of paying an estimated £7.5k to a Facebook "fake friending" service, Dave's Facebook "friends" now number 27,000.
This is still a pathetic number of friends for a UK prime minister to have, and the only possible interpretations are:
(A) That Dave is too much of a Jew to shell out for a respectable few million fake friends
(B) That not even many fake friends wanted to be associated with Dave
How does you top a PR triumph like that?
There's only one way, and Dave managed it.
He became less popular than the Tory party itself.
Dave's latest attempt at reaching the intellectual midgets that are internet users, can be seen in his highly entertaining sitcom "Webcameron". In the first episode of Webcameron he washed the dishes and talked to an imaginary child, in the second episode he again washed the dishes and then kissed a child (the child was later destroyed for copyright purposes). Webcameron is technically a pun, so its evidence (as if you needed any more) that Dave is a fucking cool guy, capische.
Doctor Who screwdrivers 'Dave'
Outgoing Doctor Who, Doctor Who, has launched an all out attack on Mr. Cameron, made up sources revealed today. The Doctor described the Fuhrer as "a massive Black Hole" and as a Jew who never "passes the Dutchie to the left hand side."
He added "I sucked Dave's cock once and it tasted of fail. I'd rather be in a room full of Daleks than a room full of Dave since at least the Daleks don't claim that they are not going to exterminate you before they exterminate you."
David Cameron: National Tissue
Dave Cameron: Put Egg On Head
- "Dave" is strongly suspected to have coked up back in his university days after dodging questions about it on television. As a rich, white, old Etonian though this shouldn’t have taken people by surprise. However, seeing as Dave was proposing a crackdown on cocaine users this angered some people. The few intelligent people in England were angered however at the general public being surprised that Dave is a cokehead or a hypocrite. Cocaine is cool anyway though, so back teh fuck off dude.
- "Dave" was a member of the controversial Bullingdon Dining Club, a group of posh elitist twats that act as the British version of the Skull and Bones society, making him in essence a more inbred, British version of George W Bush.
- Many political commentators have compared David to Tony Blair over his lack of political opinions and need to be perceived as cool. Some have gone so far as to call "Dave" a Blair clone. Well fucking done Sherlocks.
- In a eerie coincidence with the first episode of Black Mirror while in Oxford David Cameron stuck his greasy cock in a dead pig's mouth and someone out there haz pix.
- After it was leaked to the News of the World newspaper that "Dave" once bought a copy of Hulk Hogan’s rap album Macho Man Randy Savage has targeted "Dave" for death in his vendetta against the Hulkster. Because of this, Dave's people had Macho Man Randy Savage killed.
- He tries too hard to be just like your average bloke, when he's really just an emo toff
- Probably stole Gordon's glass eyeball to make him feel like a right dick at the UN.
- "Dave" thinks that pedophilia is exactly the same thing as homosexuality.
"Dave" on Conservatism
"Dave" tries to block pr0n in the UK
Two days ago, "Dave" announced that all ISPs were going to block porn in the UK unless the household chooses to recieve it. Apparently porn is "corroding childhood" and possessing pr0n that depicts rape will become a criminal offence in England and Wales to make Great Britain a place where there is a "sense of right and wrong".
Obviously this will never happen as many attempts have been made to stop teh pr0noz, but so far none of them have taken any effect.
Party political broadcasts
Make your own "Dave poster"
Yes, you too can make your own Dave poster here. Add yours in the gallery below, but make sure it is
Let the lulz commence!
Gettin' down wid da kidz.
As we can see, Dave cares strongly about all those local issues that affect you.
Dave is one of many high-profile sufferers of centipede-filled vagina.
Dave relied heavily on the ignorance of underage b& in his attempt to get elected.
Ironically, Margaret Thatcher has a much bigger dick than Dave.
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