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    Dave Henry

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    Famous CNN Internet Champion

    Dave Henry is a sad, deluded Wiccan who runs the website championofjustice.ca [1]. There he rants about current events (mostly concerning how all women is bitches) and posts videos of him hitting friends of his, pretending to be enemies of his, with a giant foam hammer named The Beefy Smack.

    But the jewel in this crown of fail is the video "Unscripted" in which he terrorizes the women at a local college, giving chase at one point. He also answers pretty much every e-mail he receives on the site itself, often projecting into them paranoid delusions regarding his arch-nemesis "Rob".

    Champion of Justice?

    So what is a Champion of Justice, and how does one champion justice? The Champ answers these questions best himself:

    There's two big reasons why I am The one and only Champion of Justice. Those that offend, assault, or otherwise annoy and irritate myself and others are brought to justice by yours truly through ridicule and cold hard facts of life. There are other reasons why I am The Champ, but that's the big one.


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Mathematical Genius


    The kind of comedy only money can buy

    Dave Henry graduated from the Comedy Writing program at Humber College in Toronto. No really. No REALLY. NO REALLY! If there was ever any doubt as to whether a sense of humor can be taught, it can be put to rest. BEHOLD: A college education in practice

    Dave takes a trip The videos, dear Christ the videos!


    The "Your Voice" section of championofjustice.ca is dedicated to the Champ answering e-mails, many of which look suspiciously like someone is fucking with him. In one classic gem, an astute reader convinces the Champ that he was on CNN without realizing it.

    Anyways, I'm glad that CNN helped me find your site, I completely disagree with that wretched crotch bleeder Paula Zahn, I feel that you are a brilliant spokeman for the male species.


    —James, Justice Enthusiast

    Dave Herny, being the worldly internet citizen that he is, was understandably suspicious...

    I MADE CNN!!! I MADE CNN!!!!!!


    —Dave Herny, Champion of Justice, Internet Rube

    ...but answered the questions raised by the e-mail anyway.

    You know, I keep forgetting that some people at CNN take EVERYTHING you say seriously. That line was a JOKE. It was meant to be laughed at. If you haven't noticed before, this site is filled with jokes. Hell, I have a photo where I'm behind the lamp post in Narnia!


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, CNN Movie Star

    The Champ also uses this platform to enlighten others, in hopes of promoting harmony and unity.

    Your email address contains the phrase "Jesus Saves," which tells me that either you're a sudo-religous poser who is too scared to be herself in a society that demands conformity, or that you're a full blown Jesus Freak who demands that others follow the same faith as you do. Either way, you seem to have a superiority complex towards anyone who is different than you. So, you conformist, empty-headed suburbanite, care to Witness to me? Cause I'd like that. After all, Witnessing to people is just a cleaned up phrase for converting people.

    I could never get into Everquest. Too many idiots who can chump me when their ten levels higher than me and being annoying only because they have no friends in real life. Idiots just like you, Charlotte.


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Insightful Man

    Dave Henry, Champion of Industry

    Good lord I want that button

    The Champ also maintains a classy Cafepress store, where he really gets to stretch his creative wings by designing his own merchandise. While the shirts with "I'm Probably Better Than You" written on them are well worth the $19.99 asking price (not to mention the cool lens flare), even greater bargains can be found, such as a hat with the url for his webpage written on it for a mere $15.99!

    Presumably, this is where the Champ makes all of his money. His attempts to gain employment as a telemarketer were obviously just so he could write about it on his webpage. Like all great artists, he suffers for his art.

    Themes and Symbolism

    Common themes in the Champion's work include the following:

    Women. Dave Herny is a noted feminist.

    Lately, I have been bombarded with accusations and insults from various friends that I know, all women. And they all came out of nowhere, formed from idle conversation and hearsay. This, over the course of the past two weeks, has prompted me to ask the following question.

    What the hell is wrong with your gender!?

    Every sentence and every question to you paraniod females must be an attempt to badger and coerce you into doing something. Mostly sex. And any fact that I point out that would debunk your entire arguement is cast aside, completely ignored!


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Feminist

    If your gender was so superior, why aren't you in top positions of political power? Why aren't you leading massive corporations into monopolies? Why aren't you discovering technological advances to improve our civilizations?

    Cause you're too busy bullshitting yourselves into believing you're better!

    You wanna prove me wrong? Try to aspire to the things you're trying to convince the world of instead of just talking about it.

    I'm willing to bet they're be a lot of women who will read this and immedately begin to bitch, telling me that I'm wrong and I should be punished for saying somehting bad about females. Know what I say to you?


    I'm sick of this bullshit where we can't say anything bad about women at all. I can call a guy a fucking retard with little consequences, but if I call a woman an idiot I get the third degree. Why? Cause she's a woman! That's a little unfair


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Sociologist

    So I turned to dating sites. The free ones, I still don't have much money yet. And I would like share with you an observation I've made since joining.

    Man those bitches are stuck up!

    Holy fuck! Every single one of them simply delete any messages you send, most without even reading them! What the fuck is that bullshit? They don't even look at my profile! It's one thing if they didn't like what they saw, but it's completely different if they don't even see anything at all!

    You know, I'd like them to be honest and just say 'not interested' but apparently on these sites that's not the case at all.

    So fuck it. I'm closing the accounts. I'll find my nookie elsewhere.


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Casanova

    Music Television. Dave Henry is a patron of the arts.

    For you, ladies and gentlemen who frequent this wonderful website of mine, I give you my horrifying experience of watching MTV for a few hours.

    Now, this is the canadian MTV station that has come to cable television up here in canada (at least to my knowledge), so already loses some edge. It may be a little different in the states, so bear with me you Yankees.

    The first program I watched was MTV Talks. In this show, they talk about different issues. Some are actually worth talking about, such as pot culture. Unfortunately, they put that topic on the same level as Britney Spears' new baby. That should tell you how much sense these people have.


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Art Critic

    Okay, I said I wasn't going to rag on Muchmusic so much anymore. But I've recently come across some information that made me take that back, even if it's just for a moment.

    Everyone knows about Fromage. It's very entertaining, as Ed the Sock makes fun of the cheesiest music videos of the year. It's the one program I enjoy thoroughly, and look forward to each year.

    The last one, Fromage 2005, was nearly ignored this year. Apparently, due to the inferior Video on Trial, the higher-ups at Chum didn't give two shits about Fromage, and they may not even be doing it again for 2006.

    And with that, I say this:

    WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

    How can you even begin to replace the edge and talent of Ed the Sock with a bunch of Toronto Comedians?! Say what you want about the locals, but they can't even hold a candle to Ed! Not only does he have the talent and experience, but it's also a tradition on Muchmusic!


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Local Hero

    Sex. He's... he's been bottling up some feelings.

    Let me ask the guys something. You meet a girl. She's cute, smart, sweet, everything you'd find desirable. She sleeps with you for the first time. do you:

    A) Continue to date until the relationship runs its course B) Lover her for ever and ever and ever and ever and etc. C) Say thanks, and tell her to go home as she as served her purpose

    If you chose A, you are correct! Your prize? Morals. If you chose B, you have dependency problems. Consult a psychiatrist as soon as you can. If you chose C, snap your own neck now. Don't even bother to read the rest of this page.

    With any luck, I just made the world a little better.


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Quizzmaster

    So, why have a meaningful relationship with someone you connect with when you can just have fuck buddy threesomes? CAUSE IT MAKES YOU SHALLOW AND EMPTY! All of these people generally never contribute anything worthwhile to society because they're too busy trying to get their friend down the street to give em a blowjob! Just take a look at the majority of these people. They all work at jobs that they don't like, and instead of trying to get out of it, they just fill the void with a temporary joyride.


    —Dave Henry, Champion of Justice, Virgin

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