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Dancing with Smurfs
Avatar (pronounced Nig-a-tar) is a remake of the documentary Crude: The Real Price Of Oil. It is the first of four three-hour long 3-D Greenpeace commercials from James Cameron (the guy who made Titanic, Terminator and Piranha: Part Two), a director so talented and visionary that he needed €500,000,000 ($620 million in 'murican money) to make a "test movie" with some shitty "digital 3D" equipment he made, with a story that rips off Fern Gully, Dancing with Wolves and Pocahontas. It is renowned by many of its viewers for having the best visuals since Crysis. Millions of dollars and 6,103,493 metric tons of CO2 emissions later, we now have hundreds of furfags wanting to become 10' tall colored folk who live in jungles and ride around on pterodactyls while trying to fight against The Man. And all of this just to at a later point in James' life make some live action adaptation of a manga called "Battle Angel Alita" by Yukito Kishiro, and with the same shitty "digital 3D" equipment he used for this movie. Fans of "Battle Angel Alita" raged everywhere when James Cameron announced he would make three more avatar movies before he'd begin to work on BAA, making BAA fanbois wonder if their promised trilogy will end up like another famous movie trilogy.
—A fine and informative fellow from /tv/.
- 1 Plot
- 2 Super Awesome Fanwank Cut
- 3 The Avatars
- 4 The Na'vi
- 5 The RDA
- 6 Main Characters
- 7 3-D Technology: The Last Few Drops of Blood
- 8 Canadian Propaganda Movie
- 9 Fandom Stuff
- 10 Village People
- 11 Na'vi Gallery
- 12 See Also
- 13 External Links
A pointlessly evil corporation called RDA is hellbent on pwning the indigenous people of the planet Pandora for all their Unobtainium. It is never explained what Unobtanium is needed for, but one can presume that—since it's the year 2154—it's high tech meth. The Jew who's there, Parker Selfridge, says that it's worth over 9000 million dollars per pound, and has Jew for the amount of money that can be made, but his military contractor's leaderfag, Colonel Quaritch, is essentially a warmongering, racist, closet homo redneck maniac who just wants to kill everything with fire for the lulz and assrape Jake Sully, a crippled war vet who's only signed up with the mission to get his penis back.
The indigenous Na'vi prevail but only with the help of that chick Ripley from Aliens, a traitorous helicopter pilot and a jarheaded, crippled species traitor who switches sides after doing love with one of the local Na'vi chicks while he's running around the jungle dressed in a Na'vi fursuit spying on them. Ripley tries to explain that Pandora's trees are neurally interconnected entities and they shouldn't fuck with them, but RDA doesn't care and starts to holocaust the Na'vi's tree fort, Home Tree.
After Home Tree gets nuked by the RDA, the Na'vi turn on Jake Sully as a double agent for the Skywalkers. However, Jake is already pussy whipped to the point of no return and determined to prove himself to the Na'vi. He mounts and pwns Pandora's most vicious predator, a gigantic orange dragon thingy the Na'vi revere as something beyond Godly. Appearing before his Na'vi tribe astride the great beastie, Jake finally earns their respect, and with his newfound Messiah complex instructs them to gather all Pandora's disparate clans to try and fight off the far superior RDA. The odds are long, as the Na'vi may have the numbers, but are armed only with bows and arrows. However, they valiantly counterattack, Kamikaze style. Things are not looking good for the Na'vi, but on the verge of defeat, Al Gore appears with the Animal Liberation Front and pwns the RDA and Quaritch, who had a hissy fit about not teaching Jake to be a real man. The RDA are then rounded up and permab& from Pandora, much like how the Viet Kong kicked America out of Saigon. In the end,Jake becomes a dickless, ball-less black person. All of this takes place with an obvious advantage given to the Na'vi, one unbelievable even for a fantasy/sci-fi movie. The moral of the story is that humanity is a fail for getting pawned against tree huggers and that you can never, ever trust a jew.
With a line of eco-friendly Zeta toys set to go, it is also about to pwn all your money for X-Mas gifts, vidya games, theme park rides, and Halloween costumes next year. If that wasn't bad enough, since it has a made-up language specifically created for the movie by a USC professor, you will soon be verbally assaulted by otherkin faggots who think they are actually Na'vi. You mark my words, by next summer, we will be hearing about Na'vi as a second language courses at colleges, Na'vi weddings, Na'vi communes, a Na'vi religion, Na'vi conventions, and all manner of creepy, pervy fanfic, giving the previous king of all nerd languages, Klingon, a run for its money. Literally.
There is evidence (in terms of both the script that was used for the final film, and the initial scriptment that Cameron wrote some years earlier) that Cameron's initial idea was considerably more impressive than what we got in the final film. It was also, however, much more weird and less mainstream, so the suits presumably forced him to dumb things down, in order to ensure that it would make money.
The movie can be seen in its entirety here.
Super Awesome Fanwank Cut
After Avatar was inflicted upon the unfortunate population, James Cameron decided that he would rerelease the movie again and again until his vision was realised. This was achieved by fucking around with the movie by changing scenes, adding new and utterly pointless scenes with blatantly obvious special effects, and most importantly, changing the line about Jake's brother being shot to Jake's brother being STABBED. Because as we all know, nobody has guns in the future except the military. The entire intro was replaced with an earlier version which is almost identical to the bar brawl intro from Star Trek.
The Blu Ray release allows you to fap to the altered scenes in isolation, as well as watch over 9000 hours of actors running around placeholder CGI sets. If you actually enjoy this, you need a life, you sick, sad furry.
The avatars are genetic hybrids human and Na'vi DNA (science weeps at this point) specifically designed to infiltrate Pandora's native habitats to further the evil American mining corporation's pwnage of the planet's natural resources since Global Warming has pwned all of planet Earth's. Each avatar is a physical body that only comes to life when mentally linked to its human counterpart while napping in coffins. An avatar cannot function if its human counterpart is awake IRL. For example, an avatar will lie around comatose in the Na'vi jungle about to be crushed by a bulldozer by evil RDA contractors if he or she is fucking around eating scrambled eggs in the avatar lab. In other words: Human-Shaped Smurfs!!
The Na'vi, also known as Smurfs, are an entire race of Mary Sues in the form pro-ana Warcraft's night elves with bones made of carbon fiber that live in floating mountains and ride around on giant chickens. They have big lips, flared nostrils, stand at over 10 feet tall, coarse black hair styled in braids and tribal markings on their skin. They all have a number of tiny penises in braided pubes coming out of their heads and enjoy bestiality with giant 6 legged landseahorses and vegetables. They are depicted as a peaceful people who never fight in wars, and they cry every time an animal dies. TheyNa'vi people apparently have a spiritual connection with every flesh-eating monstrosity on Pandora and can talk to trees by sticking branches into their brains. As weapons, they use arrows tipped with a potent neurotoxin. The arrows are about six feet long with a head the size of your arm, but don't worry; it's the neurotoxin that will get you, not the six foot pole sticking out of your chest. Na'vis have USB 15.0 powered braids, which are used to connect with nature—seriously, they can only ride a pterodactyl if they force their USB braid to connect with that of the animal, and the animal will stick with them for life, like a beaten redneck wife. All animals on Pandora have this plug 'n' play interface.
Na'vi religion is a new age cult. It has tree worship and Jew. Ceremonies include sticking USB powered braids to the Tree of Souls and hearing voices during the Na'vi ceremony known as Di'kinas. Swarms of furries have already accepted it as a replacement for Atheism.
The Na'vi Language
Na'vi language sounds like, like, when Americans are trying to pronounce foreign names. As the movie's budget began to exceed the GDP of all of Thailand, James Cameron decided to spend a good portion on professional language specialists in order for them to create a made up language of nonsensical words. His goal is to undermine the Klingon language, Esperanto, and Elvish as the speech of choice for nerds. All the alien words spoken in the film follow this formula:
- Take a sentence, e.g., "My skin is blue, so fuck yall!"
- Add random apostrophes and extra letters: "My sk'inn is b'luue, so'h fh'ook yal'lle!"
- Rearrange the words so they make less sense, then add some extra alien grammar: "Sk-my Ich bu-lle, shit'o shat'um ha’ shägn plegh ya'llek!"
- Kksas phalanan ghyalanal Alhazzared G'yeth G'yeth! Oh fuck—you just summoned Cthulhu.
The stereotypical evil corporation that wants to burn, shoot and rape everything that moves. They have giant robot fighting suits, twelve-story bulldozers, and helicopters with over 9,000 missiles, yet they go and spend billions on the most sophisticated fursuit in history just so the movie's titular characters can yiff to their hearts' content. Led by a heartless middle-level management pencil pusher, they are on Pandora to mine minerals that fetch a gazillion dollars a kilo and shoot furry blue hippies. They attempt to destroy the Na'vi with dozens of helicopter gunships and a small army, when parachuting in a crate of whiskey would have been far more effective, that or unleashing smallpox. Not to mention that it look the exact same as a Hornet from the Halo series. Way to copy everything you can possible fucking think of James Cameron.
- Pandora – The drug-induced hallucination of a planet director James Cameron dreamed up while naked in the Vegas desert high on peyote, LSD, and mead after seeing a Blue Man Group performance when he was a 12-year-old boy. On Pandora, trees are conected like internets.
- The Na'vi – The indigenous "people" of Pandora. They are 10' tall blue kitties who are profoundly linked to nature and are especially fond of trees.
- Jake Sully – A crippled Marine who takes the place of his twin scientist brother as his avatar's "driver" thanks to the DNA shared with his brother. Jake Sully is like you, who installs World of Warcraft, chooses the blue female night elf, and then in a couple of sleepless nights saves the universe. Jake is wheelchair-bound courtesy of Nigerians during another mission and has been promised a new set of legs by the SPACE MARINES if he succeeds in infiltrating the Na'vi and reporting his findings on the tribe's weaknesses. Jake is responsible for the entire plot movement of the movie, simply because without him this would be three hours of watching robots shoot giant smurfs. A nagging thought throughout the film when it comes to Jake is that how come human technology can be so advanced as to have accomplished interstellar flight and generate giant fighting 'Mechs, but no one seems to have given a shit about upgrading the basic design of wheelchairs?
- Neytiri – The obligatory love interest in the film. She is a fierce Na'vi warrior and daughter of her tribe's leaders. She is also pro ana tomboy with no titties. In fact, she looks very much like a little boy which adds a whole pro-NAMBLA slant to Cameron's already overly abundant "message"-laden film. She is prone to fits of random hissing like a cat and cries when trees get knocked over.
- Giovanni Ribisi – An evil Scientologist playing an evil corporate capitalist in charge of U.S. corporation RDA's evil Unobtanium mining operation on Pandora. He likes to play golf and drink coffee and scheme and golf and coffee and scheme and coffee.
- Ripley – The bleeding heart liberal scientist in charge of the Avatar program. Of course she had no idea that the evil mining corporation (RDA) she's working with would use her avatars to rape the indigenous people who refuse to budge from their giant tree fort which sits atop the motherload of all Unobtanium on Pandora. She also has an avatar and prior to the arrival of the gung ho crippled Marine, Jake, tried to set up a school for the Na'vi to promote cross-cultural understanding. The school was soon permab& since the Na'vi are no dummies - they didn't get offered $12, copious amounts of whiskey and venereal diseases so it was no dice.
- Colonel Quaritch – The generic IRL tough guy leader of the U.S. Marine battalion who are charged with protecting RDA's mining operation and pwning the pissed off natives. While his civilian bosses attempt to avoid bad press back on Earth by negotiating with the black person in an attempt to peaceably relocate them from their beloved tree house to get at the massive load of Unobtainium underneath it, the Colonel would like nothing more than to bomb them and their tree back to the Stone Age; something he attempts to do near the end of the film, and comes disappointingly close to doing. His flying doom-fortress crashes when it's revealed that the same guy who decided the Death Star needed an exposed exhaust port built the flying fortress o' death...and put FOUR massively exposed weak points on it. He's the film's protagonist, when put alongside the tree-fucking Ripley and the furry race-traitor Jake, giving the movie the most tragic ending since Hamlet.
- Unobtanium – The precious mystery mineral that the RDA wants to get at to pay for the production, marketing and promotion of Avatar. Unobtanium is a combination of crack, oil and Viagra and goes for 20,000,000 Quatloos a kilo.
- SHODAN – the insane meglomaniac computer program who crash landed to the planet Pandora after her defeat in System Shock 2. Pretending she had anything to do with the plot whatsoever will make the movie awesome.
- Mr.Drummond – wealthy white widower, who runs the Trans Aillen Co. Housing Development, and was born December 3, 1931 in Manhattan, New York.
Philip has a daughter named Kimberly and two adopted African American brothers: 12-year-old Willis and 8-year-old Arnold Jackson. Arnold and Willis's mother worked for Philip Drummond many years ago, but her death-bed wish was that Mr. Drummond would take care of her two sons. In the first episode of the series, Philip welcomes Arnold and Willis into his home. Arnold quickly becomes attached to his new environment, but Willis nearly ruins it for him by hastily deciding that he and Arnold will move back to Harlem.
Philip starts planning some "quality time" with the family by telling both Arnold and Willis that the whole family will be going on fun trips together. Arnold wants to agree, but Willis destroys his fun, and bosses him around.
3-D Technology: The Last Few Drops of Blood
Less than a year after the release of Avatar James Cameron finally realizes what it's like to be a tortured genius whose inventions are used for evil. Akin to Albert Einstein jump-starting the Manhattan Project and consequently flooding the world with nuclear weapons, now James Cameron is watching his 3D Fusion Camera System revolution flood the planet in a holocaust of shitty three dimensional movies such as Piranha 3D. James "Bleeding-Heart" Cameron claims that movies like Piranha 3-D are "cheapening" 3-D technology, and making it look bad.
—James Cameron, on Piranha 3-D
Unlike Piranha 3-D which has been done before, James Cameron's 3-D technology should be used exclusively for movies which are never-ending torrents of creativity—movies that are new and innovative and groundbreaking, like a movie about a soldier taken in by an indigenous race of people who face being run out of their homes by an imperialistic country that has lost its touch with humanity. Films that try to get the "last few drops of blood from the turnip" by using cheap marketing tactics such as re-releasing a film in less than a year with nine minutes of extra footage give 3-D technology a bad reputation, and should be shunned by real film makers.
Canadian Propaganda Movie
The movie portrays in a negative light all that the USA stands for: war for resources, weapons of mass destruction and fighting terror with terror. However, Canadian issues, like native rights, hunting moose and having sex with different species, are shown as much more positive.
This movie is about how good tree hugging is, how bad capitalism and nation building is, and promoting inter-race marriage and/or bestiality. Just like Star Trek did thirty years ago. Also, Manifest Destiny is bad, m'kay? Yet this film is okay with having a Big Mac meal and Happy Meal Toys at McDonalds. Which is the poster child of evil earth destroying, rain forest depleting, C02 producing corporations worldwide. So basically this anti-war, anti-capitalism film is McDonald's way of buying carbon credits.
- It should be noted that although Cameron spent the equivalent of the annual GDP of the whole of Africa making this movie, while that continent starves to death and contracts cholera by drinking feces-contaminated water, he did recycle most of the military hardware from his Terminator movies and those from The Matrix and District 9. He even recycled the theme song from Titanic by having someone cover the Celine Dion song with a few minor changes and also recycled some of the names like what the movie is called what planet it takes place on. It's like the creators were watching a shitty Nickelodeon made Anime while playing Borderlands or choosing which online radio station that had the best shit while they were figuring out the names.
Avatar Blues AKA The Avatar Effect
Apparently, the movie has psychotherapists and health professionals scrambling to deal with a new neurosis called The Avatar Effect. This is a phenomenon where people—having "been to" Pandora—get all emo and utterly depressed upon leaving the theatre and going back to their shitty, mundane lives IRL. As of writing, there have been no An heroes directly linked to the Avatar Effect, but people are BAAAWWWWING about the Avatard blues all over the Internets.
Message of a Film
After seeing this movie and staying up WAY too late a few nights, I realized the truth about this movie. Everything in this movie is a metaphor for real life and World of Warcraft... We have Jak. His brother died, he's crippled, he has no friends, and he's just moved to a new job, so he's pretty depressed. He doesn't like his new co-workers. They're massive nerds and well...he isn't. But they introduce him to their favorite game, World of Warcraft, and they all get trial accounts, knowing that the trial period is only 3 months. After that, if they don't pay, everything crumbles. So he joins, creating a Night Elf character alongside his co-workers. thrilled to find that he can do everything in the game that he couldn't do in real life. He has friends, he can walk again, and as he learns to play the game, he meets guildmates, earns a mount, and when leveled up enough, gets a flying mount. Yay! He even gets an online girlfriend! But you can see his decline in the real world. He starts out balancing the game and work, as you can see him submitting reports to his boss, doing presentations, ect. But soon, he stops excercising, getting in bad physical shape. He eventually stops showing up to meetings at work, so his bosses investigate. When their bosses find that they've been playing WoW at work instead of doing their job, they're all fired. While they're all leaving after being fired, their former supervisor, Quaritch, launches a lecture at them for wasting their lives in a video game (Represented as him firing off "wild gunshots" at them). The only one who takes it to heart is Ripley, and it slowly starts eating away at her. Since they can no longer play WoW at work, they all end up getting an apartment together in the middle of nowhere. His co-workers take pity on him since he's crippled, but even they notice his decline and even take pity on him, ignoring his lack of hygiene, forcing him to eat, and such. Eventually, their free subscriptions run out. This causes his real-world life to crumble around him, starting with one of his co-workers (Ripley) finally taking the advice the Supervisor gave in his lecture, quitting WoW, and getting a new job, realizing that it's time to move on and stop wasting her life. The guild tries to convince her to stay, but she's done with the game and deletes her character. This causes a schism between her and the two WoW players, so she ends up moving out and they both declare her "Dead" to them and to the entire guild. So Jak and his roomate pool together the last of their money to buy accounts and pay for internet service. The final part of the movie is Jak finally being able to unite several night-elf clans to start going on Raids together. However, the money is running out. Eventually, even his best friend tires of the raids and realizes that it's time to move on in life, so he quits WoW and leaves in the middle of a massive raid... In the end, he drives out the real world, fully escaping into his fantasy world of night elves...as he's shattered his real life to the point that he has nothing to go back to. Even when his former boss, fearing for his safety, finally tracks down his apartment, which he's now alone in, and tries to pull him away from his fantasy world, Jak lashes out at him And when Jak's online girlfriend lashes out at the boss to Jak, the boss realizes how far gone he is and finally leaves forever, becoming "Dead" to Jak just like his former friends... So the movie ends with Jak's real life being non-existant as he spends the last of his days with his guild as his physical self starves and wastes away in the cold lonelyness of his apartment in the wreckage of his former life. With all this in mind, the movie makes a hell of a lot more sense, including why the Na'vi and their world seems a helluva lot better than the "real" human world. And all the antagonistic attempts by his bosses, the "Marine Commander" and "Corporate executive", were actually attempts to get him to do his job and to stop wasting his life on a video game, which he sees as horrible, genocidal acts in his warped mind. Anyone who's not in the game is "Dead" to him. It's truly a sad tale and has a way better message, a warning about taking a game too seriously. The bizarre part is that the more you look at it this way, the better it works. Better than most of the hippy BS messages the movie is intending to throw at you, to say the least...
How the movie should have ended
AVATAR 2 3 4 5?
- There will be 4 more Avatar movies?
- Is James Cameron trolling us?
- Avatar 2 release has been delayed how many times now????
Facts about Avatar 2
- This could all just be a publicity stunt.
- Rumors about Avatar 2 have been going around since 2010.
- It will make over a billion dollars if it is ever released.
- Avatar 2 will be CGI overload. If you thought the original movie was CGI overload
just you wait till Avatar 2 keep in mind graphics cards have advanced since 2009.
Avatards are invading JewTube
The Na'vi can be really friendly creatures, as anyone can notice. We have taken the time to gather some samples of songs that show their hospitality toward complete strangers.
- Avatar Gay Drama: OMG NO HOMOS IN THE FUTURE
- Star Trek
- White guilt
- Colonel Quaritch does not give a fuck
- Unreal, where the Skaarj steal Tarydium from the Nali... Na'vi... Nali... OH SHI-
- Official site
- Official fandom wiki you can't edit
- Avatar trailer in YouTube 3D, (yes youtube has 3D video support now, get with the times) and you need 3D glasses
- Newgrounds Hot Na'vi Sex
- A typical avatard remake of the trailer. Notice the quality
- Crappy fanart on dA
- Avatar meets Law & Order fanfic
- Naviblue: Avatard fansite
- Avatar Forums
- BUY BUY BUY!!!
- EAT EAT EAT
- Facebook page
- JewTube channel
- MySpazz page
- Do you speak Na'vi? on NPR
- Learn To Speak Na'vi
- The Na'vi religion Facebook page
- The Na'vi language Facebook group
- I Want To Be A Na'vi Facebook group
- You, too, can turn blue with Colloidal Siver
- Is there really a race of blue people?
- Na'vi runs for US Senate
- Turns out they had Na'vi pr0ns all along.
- seriously. Yes,
- We hate Furries, Furries hate Otherkin, and even otherkin hate this guy.
- Leaked Trailer from Avatar 2
- China bans the Avatar movie...
- ...but it doesn't stop them from trying to cash in on it.
- Avatar pr0n parody on the way
- It is serious business establishing a fandom, you know...
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