The Daily Mail
|The Daily Mail is in an internet sissy fight with Wikipedia.|
Please dig up lulz on them both.
The Daily Mail (moar like The Faily Fail, amirite?) is a British tabloid and website which feeds off of fake indignation and outrage. It is basically Britain's answer to Fox News. Edited by Paul Dacre, The Daily Mail is known for its lopsided political views, jumping from one side of The Immigrant Question in Calais to the other, and overusing many different words.
In an ever-changing world, the average British man in the street needs stability and reassurance, and chooses his daily reading material accordingly. Unfortunately, the average British man in the street is a cunt. Therefore, the Mail prospers by mounting a never-ending full-spectrum tactical assault on the sensibilities of the small-minded, who are led to believe that the UK will very soon be submerged into the sea by the weight of illegal immigrants arriving daily to steal the nation's benefits while raping its children, and furthermore that this submersion would be proof that global warming was wrong.
(We say 'British man' but in fact the Mail's readership is more than 50% teh wimminz. Ironic, since feminists believe the Mail is part of the global conspiracy to demean women and that the world would be more left-wing if only there were more women like Mrs. Thatcher).
If you think this makes it a typical joke newspaper, you'd be right. But if you think that means it can be ignored, you'd be wrong. The Mail's website has nearly 12m unique user sessions per day and is the most-read English language newspaper on the planet.
This situation - imagine a parallel universe in which Agatha Christie becomes a Nobel laureate and the world's best-selling author - is made even weirder by the fact that the planet's second most-read online newspaper is The Guardian, which is even more fail and Daily Mail kryptonite in that it is written by and for leftie airheads who live in north London and eat avocados while worrying about overfishing.
In a nutshell
On 3 October 2011, the Daily Mail reported the verdict in the courtroom saga of Amanda Knox, some braindead whore who was accused of murdering someone or some shit, it went on longer than OJ Simpson and by the end no-one could remember what she was originally charged with. It had most of the qualities the Mail wants in a story: Sex, blood, murder, depravity, young women, sinister foreigners, alleged miscarriage of justice, Brit in foreign prison, you name it. Quotes:
Sensational stuff. And complete bullshit. The Mail had written two alternative straight-to-plate stories ("innocent" and "guilty") but printed the wrong one. Three minutes later, they tried to cover their tracks by publishing the other one instead. But too late! The word watched in disbelief as the paper self-pwnt with cast-iron proof that they just make up any old shit and say that it really happened.
Mrs Donald strikes back
On 20 August 2016,
Aluminum Meldonium Trump, wife of The Donald, was the unwilling star of a Daily Mail exclusive. The paper dredged up a load of muck-raking rumors about her past, including the claim that her modelling agency was a front for a knocking-shop and that she had worked as a top-end escort.
Needless to say, this had a YUGE headline, and the fact that there was no evidence at all for any of these claims was tucked away at the end of the article, in journalism's time-honored 'bury the disclaimer' fashion.
The Daily Mail, realizing that it had finally picked on someone who (a) wasn't afraid of the Mail and (b) could afford the best lawyers known to the human race, panicked, shit itself, retracted the story from its online version (but couldn't re-call the hard copies) and printed a grovelling apology with the excuse that 'we were only informing our readers about rumors that might be damaging even if they were not found to be true'.
The Mail's lawyer has advised them: "Prepare your anus."
The Daily Mail's health experts are obsessed with cancer; for example, they helped expose that oral sex will give you cancer. These heroic individuals have helped expose the truth, hidden by politically correct liberals, as to the full extent of shit that causes cancer, including:
- Being a black man
- Or woman
- Curry: is this why black people are more at risk? Who knows?
- Unprotected sex
- Menstruation (but the pill causes cancer, so you're fucked either way)
- Flip flops
- Being left handed
Daily Mail love young poon. LOVE IT. A regular article they feature is some teenage socialite in underwear/bikini where they pretend to be judgemental about loose morals. Somehow, they always have a dozen images of the aforementioned teenager's gash and asshole while she bends over.
A fun game to play is to search "all grown up" on the site's search engine. This brings up a list of girls who have just turned sixteen-years-old showing as much flesh as is legal.
Gallery of news
That whole "Hitler" thing
If you mention the Daily Mail to any card-carrying bleeding-heart libfag, they will automatically mention Our Patron Saint, as surely as a parrot will ask for a cracker. But none of them actually understand what went down between the paper and the fuhrer. So here it is.
Lord Rothermere became owner of the Mail in the 1920s (and the Daily Mirror, the Evening News, the Sunday Pictorial and the Sunday Dispatch) and therefore one of the most powerful men in Britain. By 1926 the Mail shifted 2,000,000 copies every day and Rothermere was also the third richest man in Britain. He was also a rabid anti-communist. When big money and big media meet far-right politics there can only be one outcome.
—Who Financed Hitler: The Secret Funding of Hitler's Rise to Power by James Pool (1979)
Rothermere was a big fan of The Protocols of Zion and editorialised that Hitler had saved Germany from "Israelites of international attachments" and that the "minor misdeeds of individual Nazis will be submerged by the immense benefits that the new regime is already bestowing upon Germany."
Hitler wrote torrid love-letters to Rothermere in return, stating this sort of thing: "I should like to express the appreciation of countless Germans, who regard me as their spokesman, for the wise and beneficial public support which you have given to a policy that we all hope will contribute to the enduring pacification of Europe [...] I am convinced that no one who fought in the front trenches during the world war, no matter in what European country, desires another conflict."
Rothermere also enthusiastically endorsed the UK's home-grown fascist movement, which led to the notorious op-ed piece entitled Hurrah for the Blackshirts! (January 22, 1934), praising Britfag Hitler knock-off Sir Oswald Mosley for his "sound, commonsense, Conservative doctrine".
Rothermere suddenly shut his piehole about Mosley in July 1934 when the International Zionist Conspiracy stepped on his windpipe by threatening to withdraw all ads from his papers: Rothermere told Hitler how the "Jews cut off his complete revenue from advertising" and that it was "quite impossible at short notice to take any effective countermeasures."
But like any loyal fantard, Rothermere simply learned to keep his love secret. He employed a pro-fascist European princess as a go-between with the Nazis, to the tune of £300,000 a year (about £13 million in 2016 prices). He also got one of the Mail's reporters to publish a pro-Hitler book called I Know These Dictators (1937) which remarked "Behind the forceful character which he displays in public he had a human, pleasant personality" and played up his love of children and animals and downplayed his, er, firm views about a certain race with big noses and deep pockets.
—Joseph Goebbels's diary, January 7, 1937
The morning after WWII broke out the front page of Rothermere's Daily Mail boomed: "No statesman, no man with any decency could think of sitting at the same table with Hitler or his henchman the trickster von Ribbentrop, or any other of the gang. We fight against the blackest tyranny that has ever held men in bondage. We fight to defend and to restore freedom and justice on earth."
Behind the scenes, he was trying to convince the government that it was a bad idea to try to save Poland, saying: "whether victorious or not, Britain will emerge from such a conflict with her social and economic fabric destroyed" and that this would mean "a revolution of the Left in these islands, which might be more deadly than the war itself".
But when immoral people get greedy, trouble is sure to follow. At some point, Rothermere decided to stop paying his pro-fascist go-between, and she sued him for breach of contract. It then emerged that she had wisely kept photographs of all the love-letters between Rothermere and Hitler, and these were entered into evidence. Rothermere shit himself and paid her off to leave the country. But he couldn't get the letters back and they were passed to MI5. When Rothermere found out that the spooks were wise to his capers, he realised that he was about to be arrested for treason. He immediately "emigrated" to Bermuda, where he died in November 1940. The Daily Mail decided that its history was best erased and never mentioned again, and the paper remains under the control of Rothermere's family to the present day.
Words or phrases overused by the Daily Mail
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