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    DOS game

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    Seriously, this was groundbreaking?!

    A MS DOS game is an ancient relic from an era that most of the retarded Generation Z kiddies never heard of. Most probably because most YouTube's "reviewers", like the Angry Video Game Nerd, spread the image of consoles being the only thing you could ever play on in the 80s and 90s.

    Many people claim that these "games" were better than the modern games of today, but in reality most of them were either just plain shovelware or had eye/ear-searing graphics/sounds.

    So luckily for you, we made a list of the more memorable games.

    Popular DOS Games

    Ascendancy: Some 4X game with the dumbest AI and deadest developers ever. You could consider it an artistic masterpiece though, if you are retarded.

    Betrayal at Krondor: Some obscure RPG every oldfag faps about. One friggin soundtrack that was remixed for different towns. Also spawned a novel series.

    Blake Stone: Sci-Fi copy of Wolfenstein. An epic quest for a crack rock.

    Blood: The most sadistic and violent First Person Shooter of the 90s. Wasn't very good.

    Command & Conquer: Mine shit, build your base, get destroyed. 4/10 Would not play again.

    Command & Conquer - Red Alert: Mammoth tank. You win.

    Commander Keen I - VI: Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. Eat candy. Pogo. Pogo.

    Corridor 7: A game that possibly doesn't exist, and can only be loved by the most pretentious pseudo-intellectual in the world.

    Descent: Massacre innocent mining robots for the lulz.

    Doom: The only shooter for DOS and Windows 95 that everyone actually heard of and still plays. Also known for having a soundtrack that ripped off every metal band ever.

    Duke Nukem 3D: A game starring a guy who kicks ass, takes names, and occasionally murders babies. This was the reason for Duke Nukem Forever.

    Dungeons & Dragons Gold Box series: Ancient precursor to Baldur's Gate and other modern PCRPGs, these catered primarily to friendless neckbeards, who had no one with whom they could play Dungeons & Dragons IRL.

    Heretic: DOOM with elves, for halfwits and assholes who couldn't really play D&D.

    Heroes of Might & Magic: Turn based combat and exploration game that will bore you to death twice within the first 5 minutes.

    Hexen: A heinously pixelated sequel to Heretic. For people who are tired of shooting things in the face and would rather go full retard through tons of dungeons, trying to find a key that ends up being invisible. That said, it has pretty good gib deaths.

    Jazz Jackrabbit: See Sonic The Hedgehog. Got a 3D version so bad that it was never officially released.

    Lands of Lore: The first dungeon crawler game that you could consider casualized. Patrick Stewart voice acted this shit, so you know the gameplay is going to be shit.

    Complete walkthrough of Lemmings

    Lemmings: The first human simulator, as they are all retarded. The only enjoyment you will find here is making them all an hero.


    Monkey Island 1 & 2: Tryhard point-and-click adventure games that you should seriously avoid. Only redeeming factor is that you can drown yourself!

    Operation: Body Count: The authentic counter-terrorist experience, right down to using a shotgun as a backup weapon and the hell rats.

    Panzer General: The perfect game for people who wanted the Third Reich to have its final victory. Unfortunately it's clunky as fuck and tough as nails.

    Extreme graphic violence in a DOS game.

    Prince Of Persia: You are a sandnigger. Your goal is to steal gold, blow up some towers, and pop a princess's cherry, right after beheading an old man.

    Raptor: Cloned top down shooter with shit weapons. Some untalented hacks from the same company ported the game in 2010, 16 years after its release, so they could cash in a few bucks again. Thanks to them the controls and sound are fucked and the VGA graphics are BLURRED.

    Redneck Rampage: A poor man's Duke Nukem 3D.

    Shadow Warrior: Fortune say: "Man who buy drowned cat pay for wet pussy."

    System Shock: A boring game about hackers and stuff, TL;DR stuff is everywhere written by the small group of people who have actually played it. Still better than Bioshock, though.

    Ultima: Richard Garriot's RPG that controlled the PC market up until Part VIII, where he and Electronic Arts basically fucked everything up. The series was killed with the godawful ninth part. It sadly also caused the creation of the first big MMO, Ultima Online.

    X-Com: UFO Defense: You commanded an organization of gun-toting marines who had to fight off a plasma-toting coalition of aliens, as you stole their UFOs, their guns, and their brains while harvesting moar Elerium-115. It was finally remade by Firaxis, but yet some basement dweller is still unhappy with it.

    X-Com: Terror from the Deep: Ultrahard underwater copy & paste version of UFO Defense with a lot of creepypasta Cthulhu shit added to it. If you want to play the Dark Souls of strategy games of the ninties, try this one.

    WarCraft - Orcs & Humans: Dune 2 rip-off. You had to build roads just to set up a base. The game basically always ended in one player summoning Water Elementals or Demons en' mass and sending them to the enemy player's base.

    WarCraft 2 - Tides of Darkness: Since Blizzard noticed that Orcs & Humans had terrible controls, they tried to do their own game mechanics and created a faster paced version of the game. Then they added a bunch of ships and a new ressource, oil, marketed it as something exciting like "Fight on land, sea and in the air" and threw it on the market. The truth though is that ranged units like archers were laughably weak, Ships were useless except for transporting and gathering oil, Orcs were using overpowered spells like tripmine runes, instant death spells and bloodrage and the dragons & griphons were broken game enders.

    Waxworks: Gore, so much lovely gore.

    Wolfenstein: The first popular FPS. It had godawful controls, deadly enemies and boring as fuck levels with no architecture what-so-ever... and yet a bazillion more user-made shovelware levels were made for it. Thankfully Doom came around to stop its misery.


    Back in the day, people were so butthurt about the fact that DOS games had violent video games, unlike its rival the NES, that the delicious tears from the parents, when their kid was playing doom, were not enough, so even more violent videogames were released to the enjoyment of the basement dwellers rebelling against their parents.

    File:Duke nukem 3d strippers.jpg
    To think something like this would have feminists flying at you.

    An example of this, is the attack on Duke Nukem 3D, when some feminist retards got upset because the game featured nekkid whores.

    “Duke Nukem 3D moves the 'shooter' through pornography stores, where Duke can use XXX sex posters for target practice. Duke throws cash at a prostituted woman telling her to 'Shake it, Baby' his gun ever ready. In the game bonus points are awarded for the murder of these mostly prostituted and partially nude women. Duke blows up stained glass windows in an empty church or goes to strip clubs where Japanese women lower their kimonos exposing their breasts. Duke is encouraged to kill defenseless, often bound women.”


    —The best part about the bullshit statement above is that you won't get any rewards by killing women, but you will get a bunch of enemies spawning to kill you, which is unlike in real life where you will get a reward for this noble act of killing strippers.

    Brain Damage

    Without a doubt, much neckbeard semen has been spilled over this title screen.

    It is commonly known around gaming communities that DOS games can cause brain damage, due to the terrible amount of bad techno riffs, repetitive explosions, lack of colors that aren't magenta, brown and grey, and screeching PC speaker sound. Play at your own risk. People who play this sort of game will give you a long, complicated argument as for why they play them, such as WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT I PLAY SO MUCH! JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE MODERN GAMES LIKE THE REST OF YOU DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD BE RACIST AGAINST ME! I LOVE OLD DOS GAMES BECAUSE THEY HAVE HEART AND SOUL, WHILE GAMES LIKE THE DARKNESS ARE JUST ABOMINATIONS AGAINST MANKIND! YOU'RE SO IGNORANT!

    Of course, anyone with half a brain knows that these people are just misunderstood or just wise, historic people.


    External Links

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