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Cyprus as it is today.

Cyprus is an island off the coast of Turkey. No one gave a flying monkey-shit about this island until it joined the European Union when Britain realized that Cyprus' entry would prevent Turkey from joining the union. Lulz ensured as several people worked and failed to bring the Greeks and Turks of the island together peacefully in order to appease a Euro-hungry and butthurt Turkey.

British bases

Following the US' example in Cuba, Britain only granted Cyprus conditional independence. Just as the US has Guantanamo, the UK has Akrotiri and Dhekelia. The British wanted to have military bases on Cyprus in order to bully Middle Eastern nations into meeting their demands, especially those concerning the Suez Canal. The British soldiers within these two base ignored the 1974 coup and the subsequent Turkish invasion (they apparently didn't care). The bases are often used for interrogation, torture, rape, and murder (true story).


Ancient Cyprus

Long before Jesus' birth, the Greeks decided to colonize Cyprus. During the Third Crusade, Richard the Lionheart conquered Cyprus so that the Crusaders could do even more damage to the Byzantine Empire and the Middle East. Eventually, greedy Venetian bankers took control of the island, but the Turks conquered the island in 1571, thus starting the only part of Cypriot history that Greeks care about: the damn Turks moving in.

Conflicted Cyprus

In 1878, Cyprus became a British protectorate. During World War I, the British Empire annexed Cyprus outright and took control of everything. Despite decades of pleading, the British wouldn't allow Cyprus to become independent and join with Greece ("enosis"), since they were too fond of the "British Empire" concept. In 1955, the Greek Cypriots formed an "underground resistance" movement called the EOKA in order to oust the British. Cyprus become independent in 1960 and elected an Archbishop Makarios III as its president.

Had Turkey not intervened, I would not only have proclaimed Enosis but I would have annihilated the Turks in Cyprus as well.


—Nikos Sampson (and yet, Greeks claim that the Turks are the evildoers)

After obtaining their independence, the Greek Cypriots drew up the Akritas plan in order to make Turkish Cypriots second-class citizens and achieve enosis. Not only did they force the Turkish Cypriots out of the government, they also forced them out of their homes and onto small enclaves. In 1971, the right-wing militant group known as EOKA-B was formed in order to unite Cyprus with Greece, which was controlled by a military junta at the time. Io July 15 1974, the EOKA-B and the Cypriot National Guard overthrown President Makarios and installed Nikos Sampson as dictator.

Greeks prepared the hot tub for Turkish mother and her children.

Unfortunately for Nikos Sampson, Turkey decided not to wait for a slow UN or NATO response. On July 20, 1974, Turkey launched Operation Atilla and invaded Cyprus. On July 23, 1974, the Cypriots deposed Nikos Sampson, and the military junta in Greece collapsed and any hope for enosis faded.

Of course, Turkey wasn't satisfied with simply overthrowing Sampson, so they continued to invade and occupy the northern side of the island in order to create a pro-Turkish state. In order to meet this end, Turkey forced many Greek Cypriots from their homes and prevented them from returning. Turkey also encouraged Turkish immigration to Cyprus in order to change Northern Cyprus' demographics. As a result, the UN started demanding the withdrawal of Turkish troops (they naively believed that Middle-Eastern countries listened to UN resolutions).

Divided Cyprus

In 1983, Northern Cyprus declared its independence from the rest of the island in order to protect its Turkish citizens from the angry, Muslim-hating Greeks. Unfortunately, the Armenian-dominated UN declared the new republic illegitimate, since they didn't care about the welfare of minorities in any country. In 2004, Cyprus became an member of the EU. Later that year, the only sane people (the British) in the UN drew up the Annan Plan, which would've reunited the country under a federal (rather than centralized) government. A federal government would've protected the rights of the minorities and allowed each constitute state of the federation to create their own local laws tailored to them. Yeah, let's hear it for self-determination. Good job, Brits.

Unfortunately, the Greek Cypriots wanted a centralized government in which Greeks dominate the government on both the national and local levels, so they voted against the plan. Today, the anti-Turkish media still raves against the only hope that Cyprus had of a peaceful, satisfactory unification. They claim that the Annan Plan was simply drew up in order to appease Turkey and allow for Turkey's entry into the EU. Looking back, this was a missed opportunity; Turtkey's entry followed by further Westernization would've prevented the Islamic fundamentalists from increasing in strength. Too bad Western civilization worships Greeks for inventing democracy and ignoring the fact that modern Greek was often ruled by a monarchy or a dictatorship.

Recent events

On December 11, 2009, Cypriot authorities discovered that someone had stolen the body of deceased Cypriot President Tassos Papadopoulos. In March 2010, Cypriot authorities received an anonymous tip from a phone booth that the body was stashed in a local cemetery. The body was recovered, and three persons were arrested in connection with the theft. Apparently, some gay-assed Indian stole the body and ransomed it for 100 thousand euros.

In June 2010, Cypriot authorities arrested a Russian spy, but they naively released him on bail. As a result, the spy escaped and is presently enjoying caviar in Putin's palace.

The Greek Cypriots were outraged when Jennifer Lopez decided to celebrate her birthday with a performance in Northern Cyprus. The Greeks started protecting, petitioning, and sending death threats. Eventually, they intimidated Lopez into concealing the performance for "humanitarian reasons". Apparently, she believed the Greek Cypriot propaganda.

How to Troll a Cypriot

  • Wave a Turkish flag
  • Ask if they are from the capital. If so, ask it is Ankara
  • Refer to Nicosia as its rightful Turkish name, Leftcosia
  • Speak Turkish
  • Call it an uninhabitted island where demons are sent to burn for eternity
  • Say Lebanon invented Kebab
  • Say you are from Turkey
  • Say you support Turkey
  • Refer to Cyprus as the Turkish Republic
  • Say anything at all positive about Turkey
  • Kill a Greek in the name of Allah
  • Praise Erdogan
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