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Remember those annoying Tamagotchis you had as a child? Those stupid pixel blobs booped, beeeped, and shitted their way into hate status, yet still managed to suck our parents' wallets dry. Well, with the new millennium, those bastards infected the internets and evolved into a network of cyberpets!
Cyberpets (also known as virtual pets) are pretty pictures which can be sold to gullible teenagers for large sums of money. They tend to come in the following flavors: Neopets Clone, Wajas Clone, in-game pets (ie: World of Warcraft), Pet Sims, and Click to Grow or "eggs".
- 1 Origins
- 2 Bonding
- 3 Types of Cyberpets
- 4 Cyberpet Examples
- 5 See Also
The original internet cyberpets were created by an internet entrepreneur who had the cunning idea of making money from the picture his 5-year old Down's syndrome daughter had stuck on the fridge. These "pets" were to be uploaded to other people's geoshitties webpages as a cheap ploy to get more links to their own website and somehow, generate profit. In the early stages of development, the pets did not have to look particularly good, or even vaguely recognizable as an animal. In fact, these "pets" didn't even do anything at all more than suck the e-peen of the douche who made them while simultaneously devouring bandwith on the site hosting them.
Then one guy realized there was one flaw to the "use pets to generate site hits" plan: there was no reason to actually keep the pets linked back to the home site. To remedy this, someone created a database that tracked the number of clicks back to the home site each pet received. As the pet got more and more clicks, the pet would "grow" and change forms. Thus the first "click to grow" egg pets were born.
people young girls would still sign up to look after the "pets"; possibly out of pity.
After a few years, Etsuko noticed how popular Neopets was and decided to cash in on things. Still, what could she do that Neopets didn't already do? How about having people be forced to buy their pets for crazy amounts of money in order to play on the site? And thus Wajas and all it's clones was born.
Many people on the internet seem to have an affinity for animals - from 4chan opening it's ice-cold heart to defend abused kitties to furries opening their assholes for their pets. Simply typing the word "cat" into YouTube generates millions of results.
The downside to having a pet is that they sometimes require you to look after them and scrape their shit off your floor. The savvy internet user soon realizes that a cyberpet is far better than a real pet because it does not need to be fed, cleaned, or taken to the vet. Best of all, cyberpets doesn't require the "owner" to move away from their computers, ever. Or that was true, at least, last millennium.
Modern cyberpets however try hard to be as realistic as possible. This means the fake pets will eat, shit, fuck, and cost money, just like real pets, only you can do a hell of a lot less with a cyber pet than a real one. Some of them Even encourage you to take them on walks.
With so many similarities to real animals, retards get the two mixed up in their heads and start to form real emotions for fake creatures. These sad bastards form close personal bonds with their imaginaty pets, far outweighing the value of any RL interpersonal relationships outside of those with other cyber pet owners.
Here are some great examples of the wonderful, loving bond people have for their cyberpets!
- Asking your best friend to look after your neopets before you commited
- Dedicating an entire blog to yout neopets addiction
- People have whored themselves out and sold away their hookers and blow to get these blobs of pixels.
Types of Cyberpets
In-game Pets (ie: World of Warcraft: Mounts and Pets)
In-game pets can be easily summed up in two flavors, regardless of the game: Pets and mounts. The ones from WoW are the most famous and infamous.
Most mounts are glow-in-the-dark sabre-toothed raptor lion sharks hybrids with wings and tusks. Admittedly, for the average obese neckbearded dweeb, these mounts are pretty awesome. They're mammoths and lions and they can fly and shit. People are willing to go to extreme lengths to get these mounts because who cares if you get the herp if you can ride an imaginary griffin with hot pink fur and neon green bat wings!
In-game pets are a different matter.
Common types of pets you can buy include:
- Cats. Just ordinary housecats...like the one that curled up under your sofa to die after it realized it would never be fed.
- Cockroaches. If our gameplay is going well, you probably already have swarms of them scuttling around your feet, feasting on dead cats.
- Disgusting Oozeling. The diarrhea left behind by the cockroaches after eating the dead cat.
- Dogs. Nothing special, just some overgrown mexican sewer rat, feasting on the millions of roaches already in the room.
- Exotic Animals. Creatures your typical basement dweller will never see like elephants, parrots, and cougars. Also includes unusual creatures such as the tapeworms living in the intestines of the aforementioned sewer rat.
Unlike mounts, pets don't do anything. They follow you. Sometimes they make noise. That's it. You cannot even pet / cuddle / kick the little fuckers. Some games like The Sims reverse this and force you to level grind your pets to get them to even do that much for you. Unless you level grind your pets, they will only sit there like the wastes of money they are.
Often these useless pets also cost a lot of money. Not gold, actual honest to god spendable money. Up to and over $800 sometimes. Making it worse, some games even demand that you pay a monhtly fee (subscribe) to be able to even use the pets you bought for obscene amounts of money. For the sake of comparison, you can buy a single pet with a year's subscription for $1,040 that does nothing except maybe chirp now and then or you could go out and buy uranium for between $60 - $200 and a bottle of champagne with gold in it for $21.50 to toast being master of the world and still have money left over to build your doomsday device.
If conventional cyberpets are too boring, you can easily create your own electric dragon / winged wolf / multicolored scene hermaphrodites (preferably all three). They come in billions of wonderful colors with adorable accessories
All of these sites are the same except for the pets featured. No exceptions. In these sites you...
- Pay for a beautiful pixel animal that is a recolor of the same base line art as all the other beautiful pixel animals
- Pay for beautifully-drawn accessories for said beautiful pixel animal
- Pay for an account upgrade to get better food and accessories for the beautiful pixel animal
- Pay to breed your beautiful pixel animal for even more beautiful babies
- Pay other users obscene prices for shit that the retarded staff released only once
But it's all worth it for these amazing site features! Come play poorly-coded mediocre games full of exploits (if there are any actual games at all) for piddly amounts of in-game money! Chat in our welcoming forums full of BAWWWing attention whores and enjoy the security when things are inevitably locked-down by nazis and everyone posting is banned! Gaze at the incredibly buggy layouts, impossible to navigate toolbars, glitchy databases, and, broken everything else with long downtimes at random!
And when everything blows up in your face you can count on the very professional staff made up of 16 year old girls volunteering for in-game money to pick their favorites and ban everyone else. In fact, you don't even have to do anything wrong to get banned most of the time: the artists who reign over their are also known for starting of banfests simply because someone mentioned their anatomy fails, that their emo band sucks or just because they are having PMS.
Click to Grow Eggs
Remember the e-peen sucking link pets we mentioned earlier? These are the next step in them. People are spending hours clicking madly with the hopes of "catching" a rare "pet" in these sites. Some sites even have the balls to let you buy all the rare pets for money, refusing to ever release them for free... even though every single one of the rare pets looks exactly the same.
Everybody and their mother is spending countless hours whoring themselves out to get these eggs posted on every post, thread and forum on the internet. Eggs feast upon pageviews and popularity - the more they get, the larger they grow. You're only cool if you have a page filled with 100s of eggs and are able to hatch out all the dragons, birds, snakes, cats and other shit these morons can think of.
Did you get b& from Neopets or just want an option that isn't privately owned by the Church of $cientology? Then do not despair: there are many, many good alternatives to Neopets out there! Well, that is if you could even consider Neopets to be "good" in the first place.
These sites basically all have the same coding, features, and playstyle as Neopets. The creatures are intelligent animals that wear clothes, hold jobs, and generally have lives far better than yours will ever be so long as you stay in that basement-dungeon of yours.
The art on these sites generally suck balls as the focus on these sites isn't on raising and playing with pets. Nope, these games actually revolve more around gathering useless imaginary items. Items make your pets happy. Items heal your pets. Items give your pets educations to get jobs. Items do everything except get you laid and make you successful in the real world. Nope, those things are reserved for the owners of the site who made up the items.
You need these items to win the game! If you don't get and use enough items your pets could die. The shops restock regularly with amazingly creative items to enhance your virtual pet experience and are always bought out by bots within 1 minute of restock.
Packages of special "limited edition" items are frequently sold in these games. As items are the most important thing in this game, they always sell to retards with more money than brains. A few of these games also sell limited edition pets, but who cares: imaginary items are calling! You can even get subscriptions to some of these games in order to collect even more incredible rare items.
Don't stop at buying virtual crap for your virtual house, though! You can surround yourself in real life honest to goodness memorabilia featuring the virtual items and pets you waste your real life on!
So far all of the pets have not been very pet-like at all.
- Click to grow eggs: Do nothing but suck e-peen.
- In-Game pets: Do nothing but eat your jew gold.
- Wajas Clones: Eat jew gold and are recolors of the same shitty lineart. Oh, and might be able to breed.
- Neopets Clones: Just an excuse to hoard items like mad.
Wouldn't it be great if you could have a real pet online? That's where Pet Sims come in! These highly educational simulations attempt to be as realistic as possible while still having the pet be a cyberpet. Usually realism means a ton of tedious, time-consuming work for a poorly-drawn pixel animal that you can't even really play fetch with.
In these games you have to feed the animal, clean up after the animal, take the animal to the vet to keep it's shots updated, train the animal, discipline the animal if it has been bad, play with the animal to keep it happy, spay/neuter the animal in order to prevent millions of mutant offspring, and even treat the animal for fleas. Some games go further than that, though, and have you micromanage everything under the sun from what is trained and how to which foods are fed at which times.
Breeding in these games is iffy at best. It usually comes in two forms: nearly impossible to get correct planned breeding (that still results in ugly babies), or spontaneous unplanned parenthood resulting in 50 billion mutant offspring to care for. Once the babies are born, they have to be vaccinated, and from there cared for just as you would for adults. Some games even program in the fact that young animals are incredible forces of destruction that will shred your in-game stuff! How thoughtful of them!
Money is impossible to come by at best. So, once the little shitballs have destroyed all of your stuff, you are going to go broke buying replacements in order to be able to care for your pets. This will leave you broke and unable to buy food. The unhappy pets will then proceed to shred everything in order to teach you a lesson. Don't worry, you can always buy more fake money with your real money to avoid this!
In the end death is the only reward. Your little fleabag will up and die within two years of play. All that money you spent will be down the toilet and you will be BAWWing like a bitch that your pixel pup is dead and gone. oh noes! Don't worry, though: you can buy items to make your pets live forever! Now they can eat, shit, fuck and shred things until the website closes. Hooray!
Still sound good? Here's a cost breakdown.
- Real live pet rat: lives 2 years. Learns tricks, can be used to scare girls, looks badass sitting on your shoulder. Lives in cage (can't shred anything), eats cheap lab blocks ($2 a month) and sleeps in used newspaper (free).
- Total lifetime cost: $26
- Simulated pet rat: lives 2 years. Learns not to shred your digital stuff but still shreds it anyway, maybe competes in some virtual contest for virtual money, makes you look retarded to your friends (oh wait, you don't have friends! It's cool). Lives on website ($10 to buy), eats virtual lab blocks ($5 a month), sleeps in fancy virtual cage ($25), wears adorable virtual accessories ($45). Shreds everything every 3 months.
IRL cyberpets were toy robots of dogs and cats, which could be taught tricks, but thankfully never took a shit on the floor. Once again, these particular toys (known as iDogs and iCats) came from Japan, created after a lonely Hikikomori realized he loved his iPod more than himself and started dressing it up. Robot dogs such as these lost popularity as the internet entered the mainstream after their owners realized internet pets don't need batteries, don't break, and can be forgotten for months on end.
A cyberpet, by definition, is a pet that is connected to a specific website. For example, a MaraPet is from marapets.com. However, even though this is super simple, people still get it wrong and mislabel things that aren't cyberpets as cyberpets. Here's a few examples.
- Fursonas are NOT cyberpets. They are personifications of cartoon-watching bestiality enthusiasts. They ARE nine-dicked fox-dragons, dammit!
- Sparkledogs are NOT cyberpets. They are personifications of BAWWWing 16 year old girls. These always grow up into Fursonas. Protip: some girls make their sparkledogs into actual cyberpets on Wajas clone sites.
- Real animals are NOT cyberpets. They are cheaper and far more fun.
Jesus, they're everywhere!
Click to grow Eggs
Here are a few of the many, many sites that waste your time with endless clicking.
- Dragon Cave- One of the most infamous egg-clicking sites known for sending teenage girls into screaming fits of "PLZ CLK MY DRGNZ OR THEY WILL DIE!!" The biggest drama whore is it's owner, TJ09. Visit it here!
- Unicreatures- Eggs with the balls to make you actually buy the rare pets. By the way, rare pets don't count towards quests or any in-game activities, yet retards still buy them.
- Valenth- Steampunk buyable adopts as drawn by an overweight female otaku. By the way, Doctor Nefirian Dreamscar is a self-insert character for the creator's yaoi fantasies.
- MWC- Formerly a Warrior Cats pet site. this site introduced "user made pets" and now is overrun by shitty MSpaint drawings that were farted out of the ass of a 5-year old.
- Flowergame- A very boring site in which you make grass grow.
- Global Pokedex- a pokemon trading forum with nazi-like rules run by sad, basement-dwelling manchildren and furries.
- Pokefarm- A shitty Global Pokedex copy; they're touchy about this subject and users have been banned for bringing it up because the admins couldn't handle the truth.
- Magistream- Yet another site that makes you pay for rare pets... that do NOTHING! Seriously, the free pets are the only ones that can do things there.
- Heresy Adopts- In the Grim Darkness of this virtual pet site, there is only War. Also notable as the only adopts site where the pets don't piss rainbows and shit sparkles.
Something so lucrative as this shit has imitators, of course. Here's a "partial" list...
- Wooly Hooves- The "Wooly Hooves invincible Llama Sim". That sentence makes my head hurt... the fact that a custom llama costs you $30+ AND can die of old age does not help. There's also a shitty RPG geared at 4-year-olds here on which full-grown adults waste countless hours training Water Llamas. Almost as much Drama as Wajas.
Don't spend too much money on it because...Too late, it's been abandoned.
- Tygras- Using Snow Leopards and Bobcats doesn't make this like Wajas at all! Full of art fags who will BAWW if you criticize their art. Thousands of ex-Wajas players rushed to Tygras with the hopes of a brighter future... shame Julia abandoned it.
- Squffies- What if the art on Wajas sucked even harder, but the site wasn't run by retards? You'd get this. Surprisingly low on lulz due to competent management.
- Chicken Smoothie- Collect ALL of the sparkledogs! Any sparkledogs from later than 2008 are useless mangy mutts and should be shot. Half the art is traced and the forums are full of 10 year-olds pretending to be 16 bawwwing about how their fursonas were stolen because someone else used the same eye-burning shade of cyan as them.
- Ryth- HOLYSHIT GRYPHONZ!!11!11 This is the infant stage of a new breeding site. Note the epic graphics and the irresistible offer for you to purchase an "alpha account" for the low, low price of $50. Spending 30 seconds to register on the forum is almost worth it to read the owner's sad tale of being kicked out by her fiance. But don't worry! Ryth will survive and open to the public in 2010!!
- Aramii -- Breed your Whale-thing to your flying wolf and try to produce Dragons. It's wajas for people who are even higher!
- Nisoulce- Run by Celt, and yet another site trying to get you to pay $40 for an "alpha account." Once upon a time, the furfags could look forward to art from BJ, who gives all the furries hard-ons. Sadly, the admin decided she would rather do it herself, which caused lulz when someone tried to inform her that her failart failed. Abandoned but can you blame her? Once you see her tits there's no unseeing it.
- The Dragon Empire - Pay $25-$50 for custom dragons on a site with major design flaws that make it nearly impossible to navigate.
- Pocket Puma Pets - Breathe some life into Tygras, swap out the feline-canine art for the... werecat art and you got Pocket Puma Pets. Furries can rejoice!
- Khimeros - Emerging multi-breed breedable pet site with unnecessarily expensive line art by the Deviantartlet known as Hibbary. The admin is suspected to be Estuko in disguise, judging by her complete and utter ineptitude at running the site.
- Mweor - A game made by retards who can't spell "Meow" featuring flaming cats. Also from the lovely Kah who created Furry-Paws and Wooly Hooves. Kah is like an STD - She's everywhere and there's no getting rid of her.
- Ponyisland - Pay real money or GTFO! It features include a wonderful staff who have been known to display porno in their galleries. Even better, Sparkleponies! The admin pay their artists in rocks and hoard all the profit from their overpriced bullshit.
- DaRk ShAdOwS AdOpTaBlEs- A site run by a 16-year old girl otherkin Mary Sue. The Forums features a chat that is cloned onto every single page and poorly moderated--perfect for trolling! And, yes, they capitalize the name that way on the site.
- Digis - A site full of ... things and snobby users. You are expected to RP with the other users, because there is nothing else to do. But hey, a custom is only $50 for a recolor of the same exact lineart!
- Aywas - What do you get when Digis rapes Wajas in the ass? Aywas! Where all the elites from Wajas and Digis hang out. Slash doesn't hold back when it comes to milking as much money as he/she can from the players! Come on, it's only $80 to breed your pets! You can also buy plushies, posters, pens, magnets and dildos.
- Rigganmore - Created by Kayaesha (aka Mortain) this shitty knockoff is still in development, and has been for two years now. The original coder was fired because he was in league with Pedobear to deliver the delicious Loli that would come with the site. For only $30, you too can secure your low account number and elitist title!
Why have a real dog you can play fetch with when you can have a fake dog that costs twice as much? Join the millions of retards who agree by playing one of these pet sims!
- Furry-Paws- Brought to you by the people who made Wooly Hooves & Mweor; players, spend money on shitty pixel art and waste hours entering fake dogs into fake contests at the same time!
- Psypets - a pet sim based on real psychology! However, it's the mod who needs to be psychoanalyzed. Also home to an incredibly shitty webcomic that's shitty even by web comic standards. Come see the site here!
- Feralis - A wolf sim that "Used to be a great site when it was owned Tyrant"... this assuming you're a furry that liked spending countless hours yiffing other furries. Estuko whored out and managed to get her grubby hands on it, fucked everything up and drove it straight into the ground. All this before it even opened! Excellent management skills thar.
- Rainlands - EPIC upcoming SIM with, what else - Sparkledinos! Coded by the Almighty God Rykos, the egotistical coder of Waja's past. And remember, kids, it's only $50 for an invite!
- Canis Novus - A dog show sim similar to Furry-Paws, except in order to join you have to file an application. Per their Terms of Service, members are required to have no life whatsoever, else they will face having their account banned or deleted by the admins.
- Howrse - Pay real-life money for poorly-shaded horses that all look the same in this rather bland stable/training/breeding game.
- Horse Isle - Same as Howrse, only with an included RPG with really shitty drawings made by a 5-year old in paint. At least some of the money goes to a good cause... Awwww...
- Alacrity]- A "dog trials" sim by someone trying hard not to duplicate the epic fail of her contemporaries. Still manages to fail by bleeding the players' wallets dry. Home of the $100 custom accessory for your virtual dog!
- Foopets- Endlessly click repeating animations of 3d-rendered cats and dogs. Almost everything costs jew gold.
- Sulkyland Super boring horse racing game. Protip: horses with anything under max stats are worthless glue-fodder.
They're all the same, really. Pick one and start your virtual basement-dweller life today!
- Marapets- A clone that is quickly rising to meet it's original. The names of pets and places have fun translations like "Cove of eternal suffering". The site's name itself translates to "death pets". Also, in case you haven't noticed, all the games are ripped off of other sites like eyemaze. Oh, and by the way, they have an Adult 18+ forum where people talk about sex and furry porn, as if the site wasn't shady enough already.
- Powerpets- Oh god, my eyes! My eyes!
- - cringing intensifies.
- Mythodreas- Recycled pet site made from an older pet site.
- Rikopets- a complete Neopets ripoff in every last detail.
- Kiropets- oh god.
- Japanese Bug Fights Watch REAL animals smack the shit out of each other!
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