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    Conficker

    From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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    File:WGA.gif
    File:Conficker1.jpg
    F-secure, March 31, 2009: "Just to make it clear to everyone – this has now started." [1]
    File:Conficker3.jpg
    F-secure, today: "F-Secure Content Cloud is a platform solution on which to build a tailored online storage services multi-devices, multi-services and multi-content." [2]

    Conficker, also known as the venjix virus Downadup and Kido, is a hugely successful computer virus that will fuck up your computer the instant you let it in. Due to the failure of Microsoft, it is infecting computers at a rapid rate and their shitty patches and antivirus programs cannot compete. Conficker is truly the AIDS of computer viruses, given its brutality - the king of the computer worms just as AIDS is king of the STDs. There are many ways you can get Conficker, including through internet downloads and by sticking an infected USB into your computer's tight hole.

    The only way to fully safeguard against Conficker is getting Norton, which will pwn this shitty worm into oblivion, to be forgotten like the Y2K bug.

    Name

    File:Orcadildo.jpg
    A cone fucker

    The Microsoft analyst, zeta toy fucker and child murderer Joshua "Cone Fucker" Phillips, like any discoverer, wanted to insert his fursona, a fox that has buttsex with cone shaped zeta toys, into the name of his new discovery. As a tribute to the nazi Germany, he made a portmanteau of "cone" and the German word Ficker (fucker).

    This is his excuse for putting censored words in news reports:

    "The name of this threat was derived by selecting fragments of the domain 'trafficconverter.biz', a string found in Worm:Win32/Conficker.A:

    (fic)(con)(er) => (con)(fic)(+k)(er) => conficker

    Analysis by Joshua Phillips"

    He was still thinking of being fucked by his favorite zeta toy when he arrived at this conclusion. He made his formula (2)(1)(+k)(3) to match his own name, Joshua Phillips: (u)(ph)(s) => (ph)(u)(+k)(s) => phuks.

    Authors

    Conficker was created by Mikko Hypponen to sell you the Ficker-Secure (F-Secure) antivirus (its first versions were known as F-Downadup antivirus [4]).

    On April 25, 2006, some unknown F-Secure partners hacked microsoft.com and placed Conficker in a database, disguised as Windows Genuine Advantage, a "critical update."

    The FBI Microsoft [5] has put out a $250K reward for information leading to the arrest of Mikko Hypponen.

       
     
    Give them your own address and turn yourself in for a quick $250,000!
     

     
     

    —Max™

       
     
    They should get a job not a jail sentence. You don't waste their talent in some hole in prison. It is said that 9 million Windows PCs were infected, no kidding. It just confirms Steve Jobs statement that MS makes 3rd grade products. Why would French military run on Windows? That's really bad decision right there.
     

     
     

    —jjrambo [6]

       
     
    Poor guy going to get his chopped off by the russian mafia... who will then send head to MS to claim reward...
     

     
     

    —Beastage

       
     
    Does anyone see the basic problem here? Microsoft makes an inferior product with security vulnerabilities they don't fix before release. There is no amount of discussion that will fix that.

    Wouldn't the $250,000 be better spent on making a better product?
     


     
     

    —bentripn [7]

       
     
    Hm... I have an idea. We pay some poor people 10k, he pretends to be a creator of this, he goes to jail, his family is happy, you get 240k and enjoy your life.
     

     
     

    —FoxieFoxie

    Things that Conficker does

    File:Confcr.png
    Avoiding infection by Conficker, for dummies
    File:Conficker.jpg
    You wouldn't want pinworms crawling around in your rectum, so treat your computer with the same respect
    File:Usbs.jpg
    Just as you should have safe sex, don't share USBs like a junkie would heroin needles.
    • Controls the operations of your entire computer.
    • Freezes your mouse and keyboard
    • Wipes your hard drive
    • All your passwords, credit card info, personal information leaked to Conficker's creators.
    • At startup, login, and during use of the Windows OS, it alerts you that your copy of Windows is not genuine

    Drama

    File:F-secure.jpg
    The F-Secure fake security software, a dropper for Netsky-B. [3] and Conficker.
    File:Hypponen-SMS.png
    Hypponen uses SMS exploits to infect your iPhone.

    November 21, 2008: Conficker.A is spotted in the wild. The security industry is shocked by its efficiency in fixing security bugs and disinfecting other worms.

    December 1, 2008: Many infected machines contact trafficconverter.biz for an update file that is not there. Joshua Phillips uses the name trafficconverter.biz to justify his earlier NSFW reports about cone shaped fuckers (the "con fickers").

    December 29, 2008: The first variant, Conficker.B, is spotted. Sheffield hospitals confirm 800 of their computers were infected and, because of Conficker, everyone got AIDS.

    January 6, 2009: The UK's MoD suffers its first infections. The MoD has so far flatly refused to give any details about the circumstances of the 120+ attacks by British Reaper drones saying repeatedly that to do so would endanger the lives of British servicemen. [8]

    February 12, 2009: Microsoft announces the creation of the Conficker Cabal. It also put out a $250,000 reward for evidence against Mikko Hypponen, the creator of Conficker.

    February 9, 2009: Conficker forced municipal courts in Houston to shut down, and police had to temporarily stop making arrests for minor offences, such as those for outstanding traffic warrants or minor drug possession. The city paid $25,000 to call in external security consultants to help sort out the mess.

    February 16, 2009: Conficker.B++ is spotted for the first time. The Conficker worm caused chaos when it hit Manchester town hall. The drivers benefitted as a result as 1609 tickets could not be issued during the 28-day legal limit. In total, the Conficker worm cost taxpayers in Manchester nearly £1.5m. Microsoft experts were among consultants called in by the council - and they took home some of the £1.2 million which the body paid out to get the problem resolved. [9]

    April 11, 2009: Conficker began installing a rogue antivirus app called F-Secure on infected machines. The fake app goes with the usual scareware tactics of identifying threats on the computer and offering to clean the PC for $59.99 [10]. More than 700 computers at the University of Utah have been infected with the Conficker worm. The hit includes computers at the university's three hospitals.

    March 5, 2009: Conficker.C is spotted in the wild.

    August 21, 2009: WHIPPS Cross University Hospital has been hit by Conficker. As a result about five per cent of the PCs (30 machines) were affected and were out of action for a number of days.

       
     
    We're all gonna die...

    DIE!!!!!
     


     
     

    —Steve Evans, a patient

    July 7, 2009: Mikko Hypponen has developed iConficker for iPhone that uses a remote execute SMS exploit. [11]

    October 3, 2009: Conficker infected communal PCs used by students at Oxford Brookes University on Thursday, leaving sysadmins with a difficult clean-up job.

    September 9, 2009: An Ealing council employee infected the UK local authority's IT systems with the Conficker-D worm after he plugged an infected USB into a work computer, causing tens of thousands of pounds in damages in the process. The council was unable to process more than 1,800 parking tickets, at an estimated cost of £90,000, libraries lost out on £25,000 in fines and booking fees, council property rent went uncollected, and £14,000 was spent in sorting out delayed housing benefit claims.

    January 29, 2010: Greater Manchester Police's computer network has been infected by the Conficker worm, leaving beat cops unable to run computer checks on suspected criminals and vehicles.

    February 11, 2010: Computer systems at the Twickenham Road, Isleworth, hospital were infected by the worm, leaving hospital staff unable to book appointments, referrals, access email and other "operational issues". The hospital has 400 beds and employs 1,900 staff to serve the needs of 400,000 residents in the London boroughs of Hounslow and Richmond-upon-Thames. A hospital spokeswoman told that the malware infection, identified as Conficker-A, is blamed for giving AIDS to all patients and staff. Microsoft uses AIDS to boost Windows Vista sales. [12]

    February 9, 2011: Conficker can perform autorun-style attacks against weakly secured Linux PCs. The infection relies on taking advantage of a flaw in GNOME Evince document viewer that was patched in January on machines with in-built exploit mitigation disabled. [13]

    July 29, 2011: ALDI, a German supermarket chain, is recalling four-in-one Fission external hard drives infected with child porn and the Conficker worm and pulling them from shop shelves in Australia.

    January 24, 2012: ESET Smart Security detects the F-Secure fake security software.

    January 18, 2013: Electronics accessory maker Hama has admitted that a 35mm photographic film scanner sold to German consumers over Christmas came with a software disk infected with child porn and Conficker.

    The Conficker Cabal

    File:Cabal.gif
    We have released a free tool that removes all forms of Downadup/Conficker: Download Now!.

    The Conficker Cabal is a team of specialists financed by the US and Israeli governments working to attack Iran's nuclear program. On 12 February 2009, Microsoft announced the formation of an industry group "to collaboratively counter Conficker". Do not let yourself fooled by their ads-ridden websites [14] and false propaganda in the media - they are using Conficker as an elaborate smoke screen around the whole world to mask the real operation, which is to deliver Stuxnet and other trojans to Iran [15]. The group includes Microsoft, ICANN, Verisign, China Internet Network Information Center, Public Internet Registry, Global Domains International, M1D Global, America Online, the CIA, Symantec, McAfee, researchers from Georgia Tech, The Shadowserver Foundation, Arbor Networks, and Support Intelligence.

    Microsoft was the party which benefited financially from Conficker; in order to spin it all, Microsoft pretended that it was hunting down Mikko Hypponen and offered a generous bounty. The mainstream press fell for it and then used Conficker to portray Microsoft is the defender against computer viruses.

    All antivirus companies already had samples of Stuxnet, DuQu, and Flame for more than two years [16], but they did not detect them until an antivirus firm in Belarus discovered them and added detection for them.


       
     
    That's a failure for our company, and for the antivirus industry in general.
     

     
     

    —Mikko Hypponen, on not paying the Belarus company to STFU [17]

    When Conficker will hit again

    • April 1, 2009. Be prepared!

    NEVERMIND, WE WERE TROLLED.

    Reactions

       
     
    I got a message announcing the installation of Conficker on my Mac as well as a threat to hack into it at any time. (Have screenshot) Since-while Virus Barrier shows no virus--I have been spoofed with 12,000 undeliverable messages pouring back at the rate of 5 per minute. Network Solutions, Intego or Comcast won't help, but I am now blacklisted by SORBS and Spamhaus. The former demands a $50 fine for spamming. I CANNOT SEND ANY EMAIL. The tools I have used to figure this all out are "WhatismyIP.com" and "mxtools.com" Maybe the spoof and the alleged virus are coincidences, but I--and you--should be very WORRIED. Why WOULDN'T the Conficker folks want to be the first ones to sabotage Macs? Any help here? Have we been so exhilarated by Mac's success, ads and rumors, that we are not paying attention? I'm not a Power User, but I've been using all kinds of Macs for 15 years.
     

     
     

    —tpdungan


       
     
    Is there any mac antivirus that can preevent Conflick worm ?
     

     
     

    —joe01


       
     
    Does your of “conflicker” mean you subconsciously associate flicker with botnets, worms and other useless irritants? Me too.
     

     
     

    —Gyffes


       
     
    THREE THINGS FOR CERTAIN:

    DEATH
    TAXES
    MICROSOFT SECURITY HOLE VIRUSES

     


     
     

    —kkrimmer


       
     
    I think that in concept conficker could be used for good instead of infecting millions of computers for some doomsday April 1 scenario but still the person or people who made it must be incredibly intelligent
     

     
     

    —Jon Micheals


       
     
    I crashed my Bicycle, I should have been using LinuX…

    I gonna Punch those ConF*ckers right in the Nuttz…
     


     
     

    —Charlie


       
     
    This is crazy ! why is this happening!
     

     
     

    —spacebob


       
     
    Software engineers that talented must be working for Apple.
     

     
     

    —Kanuck


       
     
    Well Drones - It is happening - It's happening because they are on Windows - it's happening despite their large IT departments - IT'S NOT HAPPENING ON MACS!

    Just accept it - your POS OS is so compromised that now our health systems are at risk. FACT Pure Genius - I hope Bill Gates can give away enough money to make up for all the carnage his company has wrought - but I doubt he can....
     


     
     

    —MINI Driver


       
     
    You just cant help yourself can you. You just dont get it!!!!!

    If each and every one of you beardy-wierdy, tank-top abusing, sandal wearing, penguin loving freaks of nature wrote as many lines of code for linux apps as you do lines of abuse found here and in other comment areas and blogs then the world would be run completely by linux.

    You slag off the fact that there is a windows PC in the theatre. Its not there to run OpenOffice or pick up some fucking email. The reason a windows PC is in there is because the application THEY want to run isn't available in Open Source or Linux. Why isn't it available? Because you usless fuckers are patrolling comment areas and blogs ready to troll windows failures instead of looking to improve Open Source application availability and properly compete in the market.

    GET OFF YOUR ARSE. WINDOWS WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND UNTIL YOU USELESS TOSSERS DECIDE OTHERWISE.
     


     
     

    Mungo [18]

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