Computers (aka Pr0n machines, aka Aspergatron, aka "puter" if you are one of the L33T) were invented in the Poonani Age when mankind were jumping around fires and throwing spears at one another. Early computers were not very useful for throwing; they were a kind of abacus, extremely primitive and only good for playing solitaire. At least 100 years later, with help from the U.S. military, a team of scientists built the first modern computer. It was RLY BIG and used punch cards to make ASCII images of naked ladies.
Computers are designed by... OMG U GUESSED IT! Engineers. That explains a helluva lot...
Modern computers are often small enough to fit inside a single room, and now have monitors for looking at stuff and speakers for listening to stuff. The addition of a keyboard for typing in stuff has lead to the "upload" of vast amounts of porn and videos of people getting hurt/killed, as well as providing a launching platform for piss-poor indie bands such as the Arctic Monkeys or Your Mom.
The internets were invented by Al Gore and a couple of Eurofags - after they got in a line and started fucking each other in the ass, Big Gay Al wondered if it was possible to jizz and pass it through each other faggot until it came out of the guy at the front of the line. Thus, the internet was born in an explosion of faggotry and AIDS, which can still be witnessed to this day wherever you go on the internet. This tube-based technology gave everyone (except women) in the world a voice, and access to the aforementioned vast amounts of pornography and videos of people getting hurt. This was most welcome, as many people were getting tired of having to exchange punch cards.
The internets are mainly used to spread the messages of racism, anarchy, piracy and misogyny, and rightly so. Computers can also be used for shopping, meeting new people to fuck, hacking, terrorism, paedophilia, and learning new recipes for dildo insertion. Women are still not allowed to be in the room while a computer is on, because they can't handle teh power of teh pr0n.
Oops. Don`t forget looking at Encylopaedia Dramatica!!!!11!!!!111! but everyone else did
Computers need a lot of care and attention to run at optimal efficiency. To stop end users on networks from fucking things up, white nerdy Computer Technicians were born. Technicians know secret knowledge, like ESD wrist straps must be worn when touching power supplies and that all computer components must be kept next to that can of Dr Pepper on the floor -- NEVER IN ANTI-STATIC BAGS!!! Technicians are the gods of Fdisk, and can scream RTFM at 9001 decibels when an end user can't connect a printer to the network or says something like, "Is RAID 2 a spoof of Pirates of the Caribbean 2?"
A computer is made of several parts. Your average user would think it is simply a box, a TV, a keyboard, and a mouse, but in fact there are much moar gizmoz involved! If you take an axe or very large hammer, you will be able to open up that boxy-looking computer lurking under your table. Opening the computer will allow you to see the mother-modem, which is the heart of the hard drive. If you put your tongue on those flashing lights, you can feel the sparkly magic of the computer run through your body!
The most important part of your computer is the hard drive. It is the place where all the tasty, tasty pr0n is stored. Think of it as your own personal adult bookshop. When the man comes knocking, you will need to burn this piece of hardware as fast as you fucking can (especially if you've ever associated with OldDirtyBtard).
Obsolete and old computer parts
Cathode Ray Monitors - Big fucking monitors that weighed a ton, took up half your desk, and fried your eyeballs if you looked at too much porn on it. IMAGINE BILLY MAYS SCREAMING EVERYTHING ON YOUR SCREEN AT YOU! They would burn your eyes so bad that you'd think you were crying over the beauty of Stephanie Swift during a late-night wank session in your parents living room.
Dialup Modem - A little old guy who would strain to listen to your computer with an ear horn and then call another computer/server and talk veeeerrryyy sloooowllly with it. "WHAT? WHAZZAT? YOU WANT !!!!!!!!!LITTLESUSIESPREAD.GIF?" When downloading porn over a modem in the early days of the internet, pictures would appear on your screen line-by-line and would often freeze up before it ever got to the boobs.
Core Memory - memory powered by magnets. Because magnets are temperature sensitive and because it's easier to heat something than to cool it, core memory was suspended in hot fat.
Tubes - like a transistor, but bigger.
Protip For DIY Repair
- Make sure your computer is on when you open it. Stick pencils into any moving fans to stop them from cutting you.
- If you don't know what something does, touch it with a magnet. This will make your computer faster by passing on your positive chi.
- Fill your computer case with water. Water cooling is all the rage in Europe.
- When using the internets, be sure to click on every pop-up ad that offers free system checks and/or porn. Especially porn. Also, if you come across a site that absolutely insists that your computer has viruses on it and wants you to run its program, by all means let it.
- Blue LEDs will make your computer go faster, but only in SLI.
- If your computer isn't working, take your keyboard and hit it really hard. Computers will often sense your impatience and strive to move faster. Sometimes hitting the screen works, as the screen is the gateway to a computer's soul.
- Ctrl+Alt+Delete to your heart's desire, or until the computer gives in to your demands.
- Delete C:\Windows\System32. It will remove unnecessary temporary files from your system and make it faster.
- When assembling a PC from components, place steel wool under the motherboard for padding.
- Do not overload the cupholder. It WILL break.
- To make typing faster and easier, open the Keyboard Control Panel and select "Dvorak".
- Disable spell check. Your modem is error-correcting. This will speed up internet access.
- If your CRT monitor seems too hot, insert a thin stiff uninsulated wire into the cooling vents.
- If Grandpa wants help running MSDOS on the old computer he refuses to give up, typing DEL *.* or even FORMAT C: at the C: prompt opens up a cheat mode window that will give you invulnerability, infinite ammo, level select and extra lives.
- If CDs arent running properly, it's probably the CD. Take toothpaste and go over the shiny part of the CD in a circular motion, making sure to get every little spot. If the problem persists, break the CD into quarters and try inserting them to bypass the CD holder.
- Anti-virus software is for chumps. Real men download anything they want off a torrent, and never have any problems.
- If your computer seems to be a bit slow, open it up and check under every chip by carefully pulling it up with pliers, as hackers have been known to implant tracking nano-bots into the hardware to steal your information.
- If your computer is running fast, it may also be hackers re-routing your system to another in order to steal your information. The only solution is to format your computer.
- Even if your computer doesn't seem to be doing anything new, best to make sure by opening up the hardware, and while in socks, rub your feet on some shag carpet, and touch the inside of the computer, as this will shock your computer into running at optimum efficency. Once is never enough. Touching it with your bare cock is an even better idea.
- If you are having any problems with any software, go to /h4ck/ and post your ip address, street address, phone number, credit card number, and PIN. /h4ck/ is a well known tech support company that will delete any unneccessary files, as well as tracking down any malicious software, removing it from your system.
- If working with a plasma or LCD monitor, it is a well known fact that companies intentionally put a secret button located behind the screen. It automatically goes inactive if the casing is open, so you must press directly on the screen as hard as you can, until you find its location. Pressing the button automatically makes you win at life.
- Try hooking up a car battery to the inside of a hard drive. It'll probably make it go much faster.
- Shorts can be tricky, and nearly undetectable. The easiest method to find one is to hammer a nail into the CPU, and place a needle on top. Because of the laws of magnetism, the needle will point in the direction of the short.
- Computers often get cold during the winter, and may run slower because of that.The solution is to wrap it in several very thick blankets, and leave it on overnight. Don't worry, the resulting sound is akin to that of a cat's purr.
- Computers have a tendency to pick up on their owners' fetishes by analyzing their porn cache. It has been proven that sexual satisfaction increases a computers processing power, and that all computers have a urine fetish. Oh, and I hope you don't look at porn of humans, because one guy liked looking at pictures of girls and his laptop eventually anally raped him with an external hard drive. Not one of the small newer ones, either.
- Computers will grow if properly cared for. Be sure to give yours plenty of water and sun to nurture and stimulate the growth of its stems.
- NEVER take your computer to a professional. All they care about is stealing your jewgolds to pay for terrorism.
- Type hard. Computers learn to respect their owner if their keyboards take a bit of a beating.
- All computer hookups are compatible with all systems. If it doesn't fit, try forcing it in.
- Soldering is an excellent technique to use on a computer. Don't worry about where, just solder the hell out of everything.
- Certain European model computers are run by gnomes. Before you go to bed, pour a bit of pale ale and crumble up a few cookies inside the hard drive, as this will appease them.
- These days, floppy disks are still usable. Just force it into the CD drive, and the computer will eventually accept it.
- Computers love science experiments. Try the old standard of baking soda and vinegar, and to include your computer in the fun, pour the two ingredients into the hard drive, and watch the fun happen before your eyes!
- Hacking is a slang term for opening your computer with a hammer. Expert hackers can do it in one blow; can you?
- If you need a new graphics card, don't bother buying a new one from Best Buy. Just solder any old chip directly on the circuit board. Pringles work best, but Dorito's Cool Ranch is fine too.
- If your DSL or cable is running too slow, go to nearest minority's house and beat them with a frozen salmon. Minorities have a nasty habit of stealing your internet and replacing it with their shitty version.
- Computers love a good swim. Try "surfing" the web with your computer turned on in the pool.
- If your computer breaks, dont buy a new one, as it is a strong indication that your made of fail, and all computers will refuse to work for you.
- If all else fails, apply a bullet to the brain, and repeat as needed.