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The one on the left was clearly "the brains" of this operation.
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More like Lolumbine amirite?
The heroes of Columbine. (but are the books alright?)
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The Columbine High School Massacre (Still a better love story than Twilight) was basically the funniest thing that has ever happened in any high school evar. On April 20th 1999, in Littleton Colorado, American an heroes Eric HarrisFedora icon.png and Dylan Yassenoff Klebold got over a dozen frags IRL at their local high school after attempting to simulate Doom in the real world. Originally, they planned on blowing up their school's cafeteria during lunch time, but their propane bombs failed and they ended up rushing into the school, killing people left and right before turning their guns on themselves and becoming an heroes. Their total kill count was 13, an unimpressive score given how they were using sub-machine guns in the pistol round, and they were elevated to "WORST PEOPLE OF 1999" posthumously, for the most violent school shooting spree in American history shortly after Bill Clinton authorized the massacre of thousands of Serbian children.

They held this title for nearly a decade before a gook killed over thirty people at Virginia Tech in 2007, although Eric and Dylan still hold the high score for high school shooting- in America, that is they were later overtaken by Nikolas Cruz on February 14, 2018. German residents Tim Kretschmer and Robert Steinhauser racked up fifteen and sixteen frags, respectively, at their local schools.

In the weeks, months and years following their killing spree, massive witchhunts were held as trolls, goths, musicians (Marilyn Manson, Eminem), movies (Natural Born Killers, The Matrix), television shows, and anyone not amongst the exclusive ranks of the beautiful people were rounded up and taken to concentration camps as the need to scapegoat anyone for the crimes led to America being whipped up into a frenzy of anti-lulz, and retardation in the biggest moral panic in decades, of the same category of the future 9/11 attacks. Instead of waging a war of terror against innocent sand niggers, Americunts made the lives of teenagers even worse by destroying the lives of any weird or unconventional kids, for dozens of years to come.

Despite happening well over a generation ago, the Columbine High School Massacre still continues to inspire thousands upon thousands of Columbine copycats and fangirls to this very day. Like they stated in their manifesto, Eric and Dylan continue to inspire paranoia, fear, copycats, and more terror upon the world, 22 years after they died. Columbine also has a permanent effect on American culture, if not global culture in general; just try wearing a trenchcoat to school and see how that plays out for you.


On April 20th (coincidentally Hitler's birthday) Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold forgot to take their prozac and engaged in final fap sessions while listening to "The Beautiful People," shut the lights off of all reality, got in their cars, skipped homeroom and were late to school (started the day off h4rdc0rE). They arrived, hit the "start button," selected characters, ReB and v0dKa, and decided to go on a killing spree on Level 1 of H4rr15 Levels after spending an entire year planning it out. (They fapped over this for a year and some months) building bombs, buying guns, making movies and writing stories declaring their plans while KMFDM played in the background, and even practicing their killing spree on various first-person shooter games. However they phailed hard because on their $5 per hour pay they could only afford shit tier guns and not the TACTICOOL DEAGLEs or P90s that they fapped over.


The Columbine killers assembled an impressive arsenal- well, impressive for the minimum wage budget they were running on. These are the evil tactical sentient mass murder assault weapons that crybaby leftist cocksuckers want to ban:

Eric Harris
Item Accessories/Bonus
  • Primary: Hi-point 995 Carbine
  • A cheap, ugly, piece-of-shit 9mm carbine with crappy poor quality 10 round magazines. The media at the time liked to refer to this gun as an 'assault rifle' even though it had been specifically designed to comply with the 'assault weapons ban' put in place in 1994 supposedly to stop things like this from happening. Real assault rifles (which are capable of selecting between semi and fully-automatic or burst fire) are not readily available to the general public anyway. TL;DR: Epic gun control fail. 18~30 Damage.
  • Secondary: *Savage-Springfield 67H Shotgun
  • Pump action 12 gauge that no one's ever heard of that was over 30 years old. Stock completely sawed-off and barrel sawed-off to make the whole gun an illegally short 26 inches long (the length Eric wished his dick was). This gun became Eric's imaginary girlfriend which he called 'Arlene' and had sex with a number of times in an attempt to fill the shotgun cartridges with his AIDS-infected semen to make it moar deadly. 60~130 Damage.
  • Tertiary: Pipe Bombs and Knives
  • An arsenal of poorly made explosives and lame knives they're too weak to succesfully utilize unless high critical rate is present. 12~999 Damage.
  • Perk 1: Sociopathy/Psycho
  • This perk is derived from filling out one of the Autism/Asspie skill trees. 18 years of accumulated anglo rage unleashed upon the world. It is in his genetics to mass murder millions of people anyways. Unfortunately that little faggot was too much of a tool to do anything right. Extreme increase in damage, destruction and HP in exchange for apathy towards well-being of teammates. (+4 Frenzy points a day (+30% weapon damage, +3 Constitution for 6 minutes) (+20% weapon damage) (+25% intimidation success) (-90% empathy)
  • Perk 2: Assault Trenchcoat
  • This cheap ass duster allows for additional inventory for the player along with a moderate bonus to intimidation attribute. However, movement is moderately staggered. (+8 inventory slots) (+30% intimidation success) (-1 Agility) (-10% movement speed)

Dylan Klebold
Item Accessories/Bonus
  • Primary: Intratech TEC-DC9
Dylan Tec9.png
  • The other craptastic 9mm used. A poorly made, cheap, jam-o-matic made to look like a machine pistol to appeal to niggers and spics for use in drive by's. Early models could be illegally converted to full-auto which, again, the media had a shit fit about even though the gun used was a later model which could not be converted. Not that they needed to worry as these two retards' ineptitude in engineering (as can be seen with the crappy non-exploding bombs they made) would probably mean that any attempt to convert it would just result in it exploding in their face the next time they tried to fire it. 21~33 Damage.
  • Secondary: Double-Barrel Savage 311-D
  • A shitty double-barrel shotgun that was sawed off to an extreme and lacks a good stock, thus presenting extreme recoil to the noodle-armed kike. Very ineffective unless Sneak Attack bonus is applied at close range. 65~155 Damage.
  • Tertiary: Pipe Bombs and Knives
  • An arsenal of poorly made explosives and lame knives they're too weak to succesfully utilize unless high critical rate is present. 12~999 Damage.
  • Perk 1: Height
  • Dylan Klebold was a tall ass kike, standing at 6'3. This provides additional movement speed along with intimidation factor. (+15% movement speed) (+35% intimidation success)
  • Perk 2: Assault Trenchcoat
  • This cheap ass duster allows for additional inventory for the player along with a moderate bonus to intimidation attribute. However, movement is moderately staggered. (+8 inventory slots) (+30% intimidation success) (-1 Agility) (-10% movement speed)

In addition to this, the two faggots carried a number of knives that they didn't use, along with a number of IEDs of various sizes and designs that they built using instructions from the Internet to blow up the school, but ultimately failed when the vast majority of them didn't assplode. These include:

As you can see, gun control laws totally work. Mass murder is only possible with full auto AK-47's. Criminals will totally follow the law and won't ever make homemade bombs or saw off their shotguns, or just go to gun shows to get around background checks. Totally.

Graded Score

Graded Score
Kill count: 13/20
Accuracy: 11/20
Style: 20/20 manipulation, bomb collection, trenchcoat, ski masks, macabre flair
Butthurt: 100/20 Creating a moral panic, inspiring generations of copy-cats, and pissed off the school system for 22 years
Bonus: 20/20 OG Shooters
Total Score: 164/100 (S)
Invest more skillpoints in Explosives next time.
See full ranking

Wanted Level:

Wantedstar.png Wantedstar.png Wantedstar.png Wantedstar.png



Federal Bureau of Investigation


Eric and Dylan apparently had a lot of love and fanboyism towards Marylin Manson and his music according to Old Media. An irony, since in reality, Eric hated that fag and Dylan only had a poster of the band but rarely listened to it. Manson took part of the blame because angry parents mistakenly believed that the two fags were obsessed his music. They also hated Hitler, or at least Klebold did. Even more interesting was that he was a Jew. In addition, Klebold was born on 9/11, 1981; 20 years before WTC. No, srsly. Coincidence? Harris meanwhile admired both Hitler AND Osama bin Laden, with Harris regularly IMing Osama and telling him all about the various mass murder schemes that Harris dreamed up at night while masturbating to crime scene photos he downloaded off of the Internet. Most notably, Harris is the one who gave Osama the idea of flying planes into buildings, making Eric Harris the REAL man behind 9/11.

Afterwards, EVERYONE who loved to censor society felt the need to blame just about everything in pop culture as the cause of the killing spree, such as Eminem, Doom, and even goths, despite the killers hating goth culture and rap music. Others tried to blame the Victim, by bringing up the fact that Columbine High School was a literal hell on Earth, where a violent Jockocracy, ruled by the worst of the worst of the school's student athletes, had complete and total control of the school. This was only further worsened by the school's asskissing teachers/administrators who allowed bullying to run rampant, and were just asking for their students to take up arms and literally take the school back in violent revolution taken straight out of the history books tales of the American Revolution.

Of course, at the time it was unknown that Eric Harris was a complete and total sociopath who would have grown up to be a serial killer or the guy in special forces who goes insane in the field killing Iraqis, and has to be put down by his fellow soldiers. Or that his lover, Dylan Klebold, was a closet homosexual who let Eric fuck him in the ass and face and followed him with his plot, with Eric manipulating Dylan's emo-ness and submissive nature.


In Littleton, Colorado born and raised
Making pipebombs was where I spent most of my days
Luvoxin' out Doomin' KMFDMin' all gay
And all settin' some time bombs outside of the school
When a couple of jocks
Who were up to no good
Started making fun of the way I dressed
I shot 18 kids and the cops got scared,
They said "You're movin' with Ted Bundy and Jeff Dahmer in prison!"

I called for the cops and when they came near
The license plate said jocks and it had footballs in the mirror
If anything I can say this car was rare
But I thought "Now forget it" - "Yo ReB, to the commons!"

I pulled up to the school about 10 or 11
And I yelled to the cops "Natural Selection"
I looked at my high school
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Counter-Strike irl.

Columbine was ruled for years as the deadliest School Shooting evar, until it was surpassed by the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Of course, Virginia Tech is a college (and was committed by an Asian), so some argue that Columbine is still number one even though it took two people to kill 13, and even then, centered around a bunch of bombs that weren't built right and didn't fucking go off. Harris and Klebold were clearly trolling after killing ten people; Cho was trying too hard.


Definitive proof that the Columbine killers were fags.

Some argue that Eric and Dylan were lovers and that Jews did Columbine or that Dylan just fell mugu to Eric's plan. What is funny about this though, is the fact that Dylan and Eric were actually part of a Jewish power movement bent on exterminating non-Jews, causing much lulz to people smart enough to research Lolumbine. The fact that Klebold was born on September 11th, 1981, and his fag friend 'Reb' wanted to hijack a plane and crash it into the World Trade Center is enough evidence to support this hypothesis. This also made the gods of irony cum instantly upon hearing the "Friends of Rachel Club" say that Eric and Dylan were "Hitler worshipers".

In one of their videos called "Hitmen for Hire" (having previously featured a member of staff from the school), the boys proclaim themselves to be the white knights of those abused at the school by the jock shitheads, suggesting they would be targeting specific cliques for eradication. When the day finally arrived and the shooting began, it appears the ultra surge of orgasmic, delirium-inducing adrenaline pulsing through their minds took over, and they began shooting randomly, indicating a potential epic fail with regards to the mission objective - the boys did not have the bomb. They did, however, have an example of why terrorists should test DIY bombs prior to putting them into service when using The Anarchist Cookbook as a primary reference material. The selection of a indiscriminate killing weapon (Propane tank bomb) forms a second disparity with the viewpoints from their white knight videos.

Casualties of war

Information on those PWN'd


  • Rachel ScottPedobear mourning small.png: 17/yo Stacy who was among the first casualties. We cover her in more detail later on in the article.
  • Daniel RohrboughPedobear mourning small.png: 15/yo nerdy kid. Police incompetence with reporting his death, and conspiracies lead the family to believe that SWAT accidentally pwn'd him.
  • Cassie BernallPedobear mourning small.png: 17/yo obsessive christfag. Many believed her to be the girl who was asked "Do you believe in god?, making her another martyr for religious freaks. We also have a segment about her below.
  • Steve CurnowPedobear mourning small.png:14/yo armyfag and jock.
  • Corey DePooterPedobear mourning small.png: 17/yo jock and normie
  • Matthew KechterPedobear mourning small.png: 16/yo roidmonkey football jock/chad.
  • Daniel MauserPedobear mourning small.png: 15/yo nerd who was a shining star to the planet. Sadly, the fag Eric Harris brutally murdered him. His dad, Tom Mauser, would later go on to fight hard for Gun Control, which certainly stopped the Aurora Theater Shooting.
  • Isaiah ShoelsPedobear mourning small.png: 18/yo nigra and jock who was called a nigger and murdered. His parents cried 'muh racism' and fled the evil bigoted state of Colorado to flee to more liberal pastures - Texas.
  • John TomlinPedobear mourning small.png: 16/yo christfag and redneck.
  • Lauren TownsendPedobear mourning small.png: 18/yo Stacy and captain of a volleyball team.
  • Kyle VelasquezPedobear mourning small.png: 16/yo mentally disabled student with a big physique.
  • William "Dave" SandersPedo bear too old.png: 47/yo man who taught computer and business skills at the school for 25+ years. Upon discovering what was beginning to hatch out, he directed hundreds of students to safety. He was shot and critically wounded, leaving him to bleed to death while SWAT was too pussy to infiltrate the school and failed to stop 2 retards. This, along with the deaths of the library students, caused extreme controversy. Verdict? Fuck the police.


  • Brian Anderson: 17/yo injured by glass after Eric spotted him and shot a door. In interviews, he revealed that he was targeted due to wearing a white hat- a sign that he was a jock.
  • Jennifer Doyle: 17/yo generic Stacy who got shot
  • Stephen Eubanks: 16/yo who was best friend of Corey DePooter. Another jock douchebag
  • Nicholas Foss: 18/yo generic douche jock type
  • Sean Graves: 15/yo dude who got shot in the back. Played dead while Dylan stepped over him. Probably saved his life.
  • Makai Hall: 19/yo jap invader. Got interviewed by CNN
  • Anne Hochhalter: 17/yo chick who got injured. Her mom would later an-hero.
  • Patrick Ireland: 17/yo jock. He was the guy who fell down the windows to SWAT. Was the first to think up and propose within local communities by arming school teachers with firearms in order to prevent school shootings.
  • Michael Johnson: 15/yo guy with the most generic name ever.
  • Joyce Jankowski: 45/yo teacher.
  • Mark Kintgen: 17/yo ugly nerd who noticed the school message board read "Today is not a good day to be here." He got shot in the fucking head yet this nerdy son of a bitch survived.
  • Lisa Kreutz: 18/yo cute chick who luckily survived, but never spoke about what happened. Believed to be a
  • Lance Kirklin: 16/yo boy who was friends with Brooks Brown and a few others. Got shot in the face, breaking off huge parts of his jaw and bones. Somwhow was able to recover, and continued to hunt with his dad. At a town meeting attended by then-president Bill Clinton, he spoke up in defense of gun rights, triggering liberal fags.
  • Adam Kyler: 16/yo guy who looked like what would happen when you press "Randomize" on the Oblivion character creation menu. He got harassed a lot by Dylan
  • Stephanie Munson: 17/yo chick who got shot in the foot who somehow managed to run the fuck out of the school and get help.
  • Patricia Nielson: 35/yo known as the annoying bitch in the Library calls to 9/11. STUDENTS DOWN UNDER THE TABLES!!!!1
  • Nicole Nowlen: 16/yo chick who looked like a 40 yo.
  • Jeanna Park: 18/yo barely legal gook chick who was unsurprisingly an A+ student.
  • Kacey Ruegsegger: 17/yo chick who got shot and was told to "Quit your bitching". Her story was an integral part of Lolumbine lore.
  • Valeen Schnurr: 18/yo who was the real chick who was asked if she believed in god.
  • Daniel Steepleton: 17/yo kid who provided lots of false information to the pigs
  • Evan Todd: 15/yo jock asshole who was unfortunately spared by Dylan.
  • Mark Taylor: 17/yo new kid who was at the school for only 3 weeks before he was injured via ballistic trauma- a new record for an American student!

Post-massacre fatalities

Despite the caucasian chimpout being long over, Columbine left an invincible wave of destruction to forever plague the victims and their families, and people all over the world.

  • Dozens of People: A huge chunk of mass shootings, and nearly all school shootings, connect to Columbine in a way, as the massacre opened up a pandora's box, spawning copycats and helping to turn the act of ass murder into a meme for losers to follow.
  • Greg Barnes: This guy was the friend of Matthew Kechter who was shot to death in the shooting. The overwhelming sorrow of brutally losing his best buddy helped to push this troubled teen over the edge. Shortly after the first anniversary of the attack, this guy killed himself via hanging, while he listened to the song "Adam's Song" by Blink 182. This caused significant drama in the already-shocked community.
  • Carla Hochhalter: Mother of Anne Hochhalter, who was injured in the attacks. Carla was severely depressed before Columbine, but the event pushed her over the edge. She killed herself at a gun store in front of around a dozen witnesses.

Rachel Scott

Rachel Scott was some stupid cunt who made the mistake of eating outside the front door of Columbine High School the day of the grand Caucasian chimpout spree. She caught a few dozen rounds in the ass and tits and died. This caused many Christfag family members to instantly bawwww over the loss of their little girl (also known as Missing white woman syndrome). They then decided to market her. They said that "she envisioned changing the world" and that in her bullet ridden notebook she drew a picture of a plant crying "9 tears". Those "9 tears" were apparently a psychic vision made by the dead bitch.

Friends of Rachel Club

So the hillbilly fucks started a group/way to profit off from the death of a family member, called the "friends of Rachel club". Basically, they troll the hallways of high schools asking people to be nice to random wapanese and animefags and asking for donations. Only fat losers, cunts with no boy friends, furries, and dykes are in the friends of Rachel club. To sell the groups image they had a random hick they paid in moonshine say he was Rachel’s uncle, and that Eric and Dylan were Nazis . When he said this, schools everywhere then shat bricks and exclaimed in the genius fashion that only high schoolers can achieve, "HITLER IS BAD!!!1ONEONEONE" Many other students then responded by closing the pool and forming 8 man swastigets.

tl;dr Rachel got owned and family is butthurt.

I'm Not Ashamed

Seventeen years after Columbine, the family STILL tries to profit off the death of their daughter; this time, they've contracted a team to make a movie about the dead bitch. The only ones to give good reviews are typically religious nuts. There are some reports that numerous Columbiners went to see this movie whilst wearing a trenchcoat.

Cassie Bernall

Urban legend has it that one of their victims, a girl named Cassie, was reading a Bible in study hall when the two stormed in and started trolling IRL. The less socially awkward boy noticed this and allegedly asked her, "Do you believe in god?" to which she answered "yes" and was beaten to death with a crowbar. IRL none of this actually happened, as he simply shot her after saying "Peekaboo". The last person to see her alive said that her last words were "Dear God. Dear God. Why is this happening? I just want to go home," one of the whiniest things heard by man, so the shooter was obligated to shoot her. Her parents have since milked the story to make lots of money as neither of them have a conscience. She has since become an hero to the cult of Christianity.

People try to use Cassie's death as a way to prove the so-called oppression of the Christians in today's society, forgetting the rest of the godless heathens who were shot up that day. PROTIP: They all fucking deserved it.

Until, of course, you point out to them that no one asked Cassie a goddamned thing and that the question was really directed at another girl, Valeen Schnurr (who lived through the massacre, but didn't get the credit due to her incredibly stupid-sounding name). Survivors are nowhere near as marketable as corpses.


Eric Harris, when he wasn't building bombs or fucking his boyfriend or dreaming up new ways to kill people over IRC with Osama Bin Ladin, had a number of webpages, where he pioneered the anti-joke, mirrored here.

Prime selections:

JO mamma's kitchen lights are SO bright that you can see grease, dust, or any other bad thing in need of seeing.....JJJEEAAAA!!!!!!!!!

JO mamma sees so many stray dogs in her neighborhood that she talks the humans society a lot.....JJJEAAAAA

Jo mamma likes cheesecake so much that she make a pretty good one herself!....whenever she wants!!!!

Jo mamma has said the word carrot so many times, that she is very good at pronouncing it! JEEEEYAAAAA!!!''

Insults done by REB, VoDkA, and KiBBz (a friend of theirs IRL).


OMG there's an RPG!!!

Released on the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre in 2005, Super Columbine Massacre RPG was an instant Internet success, causing epic levels of butthurt and win. The game can be found here.

Moar info: Super Columbine Massacre RPG.

Fun ways to troll Columbine survivors

Go ahead. It's as easy as 1-2-3!

  • 1.) Look up the Columbine survivors (their names are listed all over the net)
  • 2.) Log onto Facebook
  • 3.) Type one of the survivor's names in the Facebook search bar
  • 4.) If you find that one of the supposed-survivor's has an existing account, make sure it is the exact person
  • 5.) Send them a message explaining how "sorry" you are for their experience
  • ???) Wait for a genuine reply
  • PROFIT!) After they have replied, send them a link to this page :)

BONUS ROUND!!1 - If they reply to you (and don't block and ghost you) take screencaps of it and put them below this sentence!


Victim's Dad feeds the trolls

Columbine:Reloaded (UNFINISHED TEST)

Pokemon remix

Another one


Columbine REMIX

Lost Basement Tapes recovered

Columbine Ref's in Eminem's Music

Columbine Doom .wad

The basement tapes

So far only two out of five tapes were officially released to the public, the other three are claimed to be destroyed because of fear of potential copycat violence in teenaged white kids.

Hitmen For Hire - tape 01

Shooting Range - tape 02


Info non-talk.png For a comprehensive gallery, please refer to Columbine Gallery. Please keep only the best pictures below. Otherwise, put your pictures on the Columbine Gallery page.
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See also

Influenced by:

Inspired to follow their lead:


External links


Play at home versions

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Old shit from the 90s and early 2000s

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[Stop shooting!Pull the trigger]
Columbine is part of a series on Gun Control
Locus in quo:

Colorado Theatre Shooting 🔫 Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre 🔫 Chris Dorner 🔫 Elliot Rodger 🔫 David Long 🔫 Umpqua Community College Shooting 🔫 Sandniggers in Paris 🔫 San Bernardino shooting 🔫 Pulse Nightclub Massacre 🔫 Randy Stair 🔫 Las Vegas shooting 🔫 Texas church shooting 🔫 Marjory Stoneman Douglas School Shooting 🔫 Youtube shooting 🔫 Santa Fe High School Shooting 🔫 Capital Gazette Shooting 🔫 Jacksonville Shooting 🔫 Shoahdown at the Synagogue of Doom 🔫 Christchurch mosque attacks 🔫 Virginia Beach Shooting 🔫 Gilroy Garlic Festival Shooting 🔫 El Paso Walmart Shooting 🔫 Dayton shooting 🔫


Barack Obama 🔫 Christians 🔫 Concerned Mothers 🔫 Democrats 🔫 Dianne Feinstein 🔫 Government 🔫 The Kennedys 🔫 Kurt Eichenwald 🔫 Faggots 🔫 Liberals 🔫 Michael Bloomberg 🔫 Jews 🔫 SJWs 🔫 Sensitive people 🔫 Tara Strong 🔫 Trayvon Martin 🔫 Quinton Reviews

Main ideas:

Assault Rifle 🔫 Gun 🔫 Gun Control 🔫 Murder 🔫 Arson 🔫 Bombs 🔫 Mass Shooting 🔫 School Shooting 🔫

Haters gonna hate:

Daisy Hogg 🔫 Killers 🔫 Republicans

Acts of revenge:

Boston Marathon Bombing 🔫 Sandniggers in Paris 🔫 Ariana Grande Massacre 🔫 London Bridge Attack 2017 🔫 Capital Gazette Shooting


Charlton Heston 🔫 James Holmes 🔫 NRA 🔫 Osama Bin Laden 🔫 Republicans 🔫 People planning a massacre 🔫

Pre-2012 Gun Massacres

Columbine 🔫 École Polytechnique 🔫 Dawson College 🔫 Virginia Tech Massacre 🔫 Austin, Texas 🔫 NIU Valentine's Day Massacre 🔫 Hungerford Massacre 🔫 Anders Breivik

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