The War of Northern Aggression

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A group of fine, just Confederate soldiers go out for a picnic and boccie ball tournament. Sadly, a group of Northern soldiers ambushed them shortly after this photo was taken.

Also referred to as "The Great Unpleasantness", the War of Northern Aggression (aka: The Civil War, The 'Murrican Civil War, The Revolutionary War Volume 2) occurred at least 100 years ago between the North and South of the United States. A shitload of people died (over 9000), and they did so for one reason (contrary to common knowledge): E-points. It is a great source of drama for many people in the South who still can't believe they lost, and gets great lulz from historians who debate endlessly about the causes of the war and the minutiæ of the battles and battlefields of the war.

In the last 150 years after its end, the American Civil War has since gained a massive cult following, and probably has the largest and most dedicated fanbase besides the Third Reich and CoD. It's so popular that many fans are into a form of cosplay where they dress up like soldiers and "re-enact" the war. They're not quite as bad as furries, but it's still pretty disturbing. It's also worth mentioning that the average CW fanboys are usually bitter American rednecks from the south who are, more than likely, the descendants of Confederate soldiers and are still raging in butthurt envy over the embarrassing defeat of their beloved war heroes.

To many people (and for many reasons), the Civil War was unarguably the most entertaining and lulziest event ever to take place before the Titanic sinking, the Holocaust, Vietnam and 9/11. Because of the high loss of life, the causes of the war, the incompetency of its leaders and the aftermath of the war, it stood as the most epic lulzfest in history to happen until World War II. What makes it all especially hilarious is that the niggers, once freed from centuries of enslavement by Whitey, were duped into believing that they were about to enter in mainstream society and be treated equally (which didn't happen). Women too, tried participating in this war with the vain hope of gaining "rights," which also failed miserably ("The war's over, Miss Barton. Thanks for inventing the Red Cross. Your services are honored. Now get back in the fucking kitchen!"). Also let's not forget about 'ol Good Abe Lincoln's assassination at Ford's Theater; an event that served as the big grand finale of the war as it provided an unexpected plot twist that would shock and blow the minds of audiences worldwide for many years to come.

The Players

The war game had a number of important figures players on both sides.

The North

  • Abraham Lincoln was the President. He was so divisive that, upon election, half the country jumped ship. Many conservatives wished the same after re-electing George W. Bush, but to no avail. Lincoln was best known, however, for his enormous shits. These large fecal presents were called "Lincoln Logs" by his detractors, and, today, 13-year-old boys play with them. Lincoln is also known for his famous battleform, Abraham Kingkong. In addition to being a hero to yankees, Lincoln was also a visonary to see that niggers could never be equal to whites and should therefore be sent back to Africa. In spite of his foresight he missed the fact that the Union would have been better without the White Southerners altogether.
  • Ulysses S. Grant won a spelling bee in third grade after correctly spelling his name. In celebration, he went on a bender with some hookers and blow, and dropped out. Lincoln, impressed by this ability to party hard, made him the general of the Union army following the South's departure.
  • George McClellan was another Union groupie. He sucked many a cock to get to his position as a general in the Union army.
  • George Meade was the pussy bitch general at Gettysburg. By winning Gettysburg by sitting on his ass atop some gay hill, he proceeded to get his shit ruined by a weak Robert E. Lee while Lee was retreating across the stream of piss called the Potomac. Eventually he became the subordinate of Grant, who used him solely for BDSM adventures during the overland campaign.
  • General George Armstrong Custer was a batshit insane trigger-happy general who, shockingly, was a descendant of the Germans as he was known as a fearless warrior of the Union despite being a raging racist; his legacy as a beloved Northern hero became severely tainted when he and his men were pwned by the Injuns at the Battle of Little Bighorn about a decade after the end of the Civil War.
  • Denzel Washington was the result of affirmative action and the deepest ass pounding Abraham Lincoln ever received. Unfortunately, monkeys can't use guns and he was an utter failure as a soldier so his good friend, Michael Jordan, suggested that he act in gay pornos. A year later, Spike Lee's Malcolm X was released. Noone knows the whereabouts of copies of Malcolm I through Malcolm IX.
  • John Brown was a wannabe IRL /i/nsurgent who tried to troll the south by leading a nigras uprising which would close the pool permanently. He failed epicly and was pwnd by the man. He then became an hero.

The South

  • Robert E. Lee was the Confederate general. He was colorblind, so he ended up calling many white people racist names. He enjoyed poetry and sending thousands of people to die for a noble cause.
  • Stonewall Jackson was a batshit Christian fundamentalist who earned his nickname through his ability to stay hard whether or not he was in battle or engaged in multiple rounds of buttsecks. Later, faggots would admire this ability, so they named some bar where they staged a gay rally or some shit after him. Got pwned by his own troops. On a further note, one of Jackson's favorite foods was lemon; it is said that he loved them so much that he often enjoyed stuffing bunches of lemons in his pants near the crotch area.
  • Slaves were a favorite of the South. Slaves loved working for their kind Southern masters, and were rewarded with food rations. One day, the North said, "No more slavery," and the black folk who were the slaves said, "fuck that" and went to war with their benevolent owners. Barack Obama's ancestors were awarded the Medal of Honor for shooting Abraham Lincoln and then skull fucking him.

Why the war was fought

Rich fuckers in the south were butthurt because the north wasn't going to let them keep slaves. It really is that simple. Sure there are other theories, but they only seem credible if you ignore the declarations of secession written by the actual confederate states for the purpose of explaining why they wanted to secede.

To keep the working people of the south from noticing that slavery means that an average laborer has to accept near-slave wages because he cannot compete any other way with free labor, the rich fuckers invented racism - which involves nice white christian women telling each other that without slavery they'd all be butt-raped by niggers with huge penises.

How the War Turned Out

The South got pwned. After Lee made the boneheaded move of challenging Meade to a game of Stratego at the Board Game Fair of Gettysburg 1864, he was forced to give up his entire army or face buggery by Mark Twain. Upon seeing the size of Twain's penis, he immediately waved the white flag in surrender.

The South, however, got the last laugh, when John Wilkes Booth went to the theater and, after making sweet, homosexual love to the entire cast of "Rent: Richmond, Virginia," shot Lincoln in the head. Booth later died, but not before being given ops in #FuX0rTheNorth. Historians unanimously agree that Booth did it for the lulz.

With Lincoln's death, the Southern slaveholders were pardoned, slaves had no where to go except Detroit, and so they came crawling back. But it was all good, because now they were whipped less, and called "sharecroppers" instead of "slaves".

Although failing at war, the south turned out to be great at politics. With a combination of bribery and jingoism, they completely defeated the north in the late 20th century, installing a succession of southern rich fuckers as president of the union. With recent supreme court decisions making bribery into protected free speech, their victory is complete. Unfortunately, their dependence on the Southern Baptist Church to govern means that the USA is now allied with Israel.

Trolling the Confederacy Fanboys

  • Remind them that the South lost.
  • Say that Lincoln was a noble, well-meaning man and a fine leader whose intention was to build the country together.
  • Remind them that the South lost.
  • Compare Robert E. Lee to Adolf Hitler.
  • Cite the famous "Farewell Address."
  • Take a shit on Stonewall Jackson's grave.
  • Remind them that the South lost.
  • Compare the Confederate flag to the swastika flag.
  • Tell them that every one of the soldiers fighting against the Union were all evil racists who hated blacks and wanted slavery.
  • Remind them that the South lost.
  • Talk about how much the Confederacy had in common with Nazi Germany.
  • Bring up the Battle of Five Forks.
  • Piss on the Confederate flag, film it and upload it YouTube.
  • Remind them that the South lost.
  • Say that the Confederate soldiers were pussies and sucked at fighting.
  • Say something good about Ulysses Grant.
  • Explain that even if the south won the war, the Confederacy wouldn't have lasted long anyway.
  • Bring up Lee's surrender.
  • Remind them that the South lost.


I don't get it. All this mayhem for freeing some lazy, useless, greasy niggers!


— Union soldier on fighting the Civil War, stating the obvious

I'd rather be dead than be a nigger on one of them big plantations!


— Free black from the north who joined the Union forces. He later got his wish when he was pwned in battle

There's a mint julep waitin' for you on the other side, Son!


— Stonewall Jackson's ghost, Anchorman 2

I may sometimes be willing to teach for nothing, but if paid at all, I shall never do a man's work for less than a man's pay.


— Clara Barton, every feminists' favorite role model

I should like to lick a hundred free Negroes jest once all 'round. If I didn't bring 'em to know their places, I'd pay ten dollars a-piece for all I failed on.


— A southern white planter about freeing blacks

The American Civil War began in my front yard and ended on my front parlor.


— Wilmer McLean


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See also

Featured article January 11, 2006
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