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Chilean Mole People
The August, 2010 an accident at the San José Mine in Copiapó in the deserts of northern Chile occurred when a bunch of human garbage were ceremoniously shoved deep within the earth to work like grubby dwarves for a globalist gold and copper conglomerate. A collapse occurred, trapping around sixty people underground, but half of them were close enough to the surface to be quickly rescued. Counting themselves lucky, the rescuers packed up their shit and went home, figuring that the other 33 miners trapped beneath the surface were worm food. What happened next made the world shit bricks; gold bricks. Or so they would have you believe!
—Mole People leader
Following in the footsteps of NASA's faked moon landing in 1969, the Chilean government, under instructions from the UN, staged an elaborate hoax to convince the world that they had found the 33 "trapped miners" and were working to free them from their underground tomb. What actually happened: the whole "mining operation" was a fishing expedition for the mythical and elusive Mole People of inner-earth and when the "miners" who "escaped" told the authorities that they had discovered and made contact with the Mole People, it spurred the government to negotiate their list of demands and bring them to the surface without alarming the paranoid, xenophobic human race.
Tony Stark was then commissioned to build an inner-earth rocket ship to plummet into the labyrinth of Mole People tunnels deep beneath terra firma and carry a single human ambassador to greet our new friends. Unfortunately, the ambassador was immediately set upon, pulled limb-from-limb and devoured by the Mole People who then began to pour out of the earth and into Chile.
Meanwhile, Back At The Charade
Miners in Chile have had a rough go of things over the last few centuries. If you are caught in a collapse, people usually just write you off, then go over to your house and steal all your shit. The same thing occurred in 2010 when miners at the Copiapó mine were trapped underground. 33 miners were still unaccounted for, but since nobody gave a shit, they were left alone for a full 17 days before somebody decided to check and see if there were any survivors. While boring some holes to see if anybody was still alive under all the rubble, surface rescuers were shocked to find a note attached to their drill bit which read:
—The survivors down below
People were ecstatic. Television channels worldwide proclaimed that the Chilean government would not rest until the 33 survivors were rescued. Gallant workers began boring further holes into the earth, trying to find exactly where they survivors were, when suddenly, some engineer pointed out that for all their hard work, it would take months to get the survivors out. They quickly attached another note to a drill bit and sent it down to the surviving miners below:
—President of Chile, Sebastian Pinera
Used to being shit-out-of-luck, the miners consoled themselves with the small comfort that at least their friends and families knew they were alive, even though they were told they could not have cigarettes or alcohol while the government rescuers took their goddamned time getting them out. To further add insult to injury, the rescuers sent down a “life preserving gruel” for them to eat, meaning that they were going to be pissing shit out of their asses for the foreseeable future.
After dicking around for a full two months, the Chilean rescuers finally began bringing up the victims one by one. Since they only had a borehole that was about two feet wide, they had to send down a dildo shaped rescue pod, making the whole process very time consuming and excellent prime time television fodder for the rest of the world to gawk at. The complete process is as follows:
- A miner is slathered in water based lubricant
- He is then shoved into the “Earth-Dildo”
- He rises in a climactic fashion in a process that takes about 18 minutes
- Once the capsule ejaculates forth from the tight hole in the earth, the miner issues forth from the contraption and is then taken to a hospital where his vital signs are ceremoniously checked in front of a huge bank of cameras and news writers.
- He then reunites with his family, mistress, or both.
- Oh yeah, and the Earth-Dildo is really named “The Fenix”
When the process was first thought up, it was supposed to take about half an hour to rescue one miner. Since this process did not coincide with most western prime time television slots, the rescuers were told to slow down the whole process so that the rest of the world could sit down and eat dinner while watching the Chilean miracle before their eyes. Once the schedule began to fit in with television viewing audiences, the process was then sped up, causing Chilean mining minister Laurence Golborn to state that:
—Before Dancing with the Stars comes on.
One of the deadliest perils that confront your average Chilean miner is not the fact that at any given time, the roof could collapse and trap you under thousands of feet of rock. The main peril is the fact that if you somehow manage to survive being trapped for 69 days, living on gruel and shitting down a mine shaft, you may have to face your wife and your mistress at the same time. Just such a thing occurred to miner Yonni Barrios, who’s wife discovered that he had been mining on the side with a mistress named Susana Valenzuela for much of their 20 year marriage. She was not there when Yonni was brought to the surface, and as of this writing it has been confirmed that Yonni will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.
—IN. YOUR. FACE.
But this is only one isolated case as more and more miners are brought up, spouses and family members are all noticing that several women are there who probably shouldn’t be there. However, since the Chilean government is handing out all sorts of goodies, a lot of the hookers, mistresses, and long lost cousins of the survivors are appearing out of the woodwork.
Yeah, yeah, we all know what you are thinking. 33 men trapped underground for 69 days...with no females. They just had to have been banging each other! However, as of this writing, none of them have come forward to speak of any homosexual activities, but knowing that many of them kept mistresses on the side, you can bet that a lot of these sweaty little chimps were slamming each others Hershey highway in that dark, wet cave. Pun intended.
The miners have stated that they will not be breaking ranks and talking about the events in the mine and even had legal papers drawn up and sent down into the mine to seal the pact, however, they are already getting bombarded with obscene amount of money for their stories along with free iPods from Apple, free tickets to Real Madrid and Manchester United games, free trips to Graceland (since one of the miners is a huge Elvis fan who would lead singalongs of Elvis' greatest hits to keep their spirits up), an all-expenses paid trip to the (very very sunny) Greek Islands and all manner of other shit. The vow of silence will last about as long as the Minnesota Twins do in the post-season when they hit the rich vein of Jew Gold they're about to mine. Makes you want to become a miner in a Third World country innit?
Over the next year, you will be seeing a Paul Thomas Anderson directed movie starring Javier Bardem, several documentaries, countless TV interviews and at least 33 books on the whole shebangebang.
It is also conjectured that the Chilean miners are douchebags for wearing $200 Oakley sunglasses at night.
Disney is currently in negotiations with the Chilean government about opening up the former potential underground tomb as a tourist attraction/theme park ride. Meanwhile, many people are lobbying the Chilean government to seal David Blaine in the now vacant mine for life.
George W. Bush and Barack Obama were also on hand with the five man rescue crew as the last miner left the collapsed mine where they were asked to expose the new tax hike and MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner translated into Spanish simultaneously.
Meanwhile, back in the United States clamoring news agencies desperately tried to figure out how they could hand the credit for the rescue over to America, while also keeping some of the credit themselves. Media staffers and interns are currently pouring over the Monroe Doctrine with magnifying glasses in search of loop holes within the document to lend credence to their claims. Old media and all manner of pundits have been beating the facts that the guy who drilled the hole was an American shipped in from Afghanistan and that the rescue pod was designed by NASA like a dead horse to let you know that if it wasn't for American know-how, the miners would still be trapped.
- Mistress/Wife bullshit
- Rescued meets newborn baby…d’awwww
- Mistress greets survivor
- List of those saved
Chilean Mole People is part of a series on
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