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    Chantelle Steadman

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    I think we’ll be good parents. I’ll have to work extra hard at school.


    —Alfie, 13-years-old, speaking controller-side from his PlayStation 3.

    File:Alfie Patten Girlfriend.jpg
    £20 if you can figure out which one's the newborn.
    Nikola, the baby grandmother. Not exactly GILF-issue for 43.

    Chantelle Steadman is a mentally retarded, 14-year-old British charver cumdumpster from the seaside town of Eastbourne who is well on her way to becoming the poster child for the AIDS that is killing the UK. She is the proud mother of 8lb Maisie Roxanne Patten...or Maisie Roxanne Goodsell...or Maisie Roxanne Barker...or Maisie Roxanne (V)/Maisie Roxanne (W)/Maisie Roxanne (X)/Maisie Roxanne (Y)/Maisie Roxanne (Z)...depending on who the father really is.

    There’s not a lot for young lads to do round here -- except Chantelle. They all hang around in groups of guys and girls on the streets -— it’s a cocktail for disaster.


    —Chris Barker, He'd hit it.

    File:Alfie ps3.jpg
    Probably stole won the PS3 because they're Parents Of The Year.

    At the moment, though, the British national media have awarded the prize of national spotlight, scorn and ridicule to 4'0" underage b& Alfie Patten, who, at 12 years old, still looks like he's eight, and accordingly is still waiting for his balls to drop. Alfie was unlucky/stupid enough to be Johnny-on-the-Spot when the kid was born and was dumb enough to claim fatherhood. They've apparently been a couple for quite some time, and Chantelle swears on her mother's eternal soul that Alfie took her virginity with his flaccid, prepubescent cock.

    Chantelle is not related to Hunter S. Thompson illustrator Ralph Steadman or to Suck.com writer Carl Steadman.

    A Challenger(s) Appear!

    Richard, 16 - the "Bad Boy"

    Quicker than you can say "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!", two other sperm-loaded minors - Richard "Don't call me Shia" Goodsell, 16, and Tyler Barker, 14 - recently admitted to having dangled their sausages in Chantelle's Chunnel around 9 months ago, as well as at least five others in the hood. Why they're bragging about shoving their cocks in this Chav whore is anyone's guess.

    There are at least five other boys that I know who were all sleeping with her around that time. They’re all now wondering, ‘Is it me?’


    —Tyler Barker, Probably STD-infected.

    Since the news media and shocked & appalled talk show bandwagon has just started rolling though, you can be sure that it won't take long to hear from all the other rampantly hormonal, high-pitched, squawking prepubescent babydaddies who so much as fapped anywhere near the bike sheds where this cumdumpster "held court" during lunch break.

    Having sex with her was the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life. I wish I’d never met her. To be honest I didn’t really fancy her. She asked me out a couple of times when she moved down here but I kept turning her down. I thought she was ugly.


    —Tyler on Chantelle, Prior to donning the beer goggles.

    I liked her. I thought she was pretty. Within two weeks we’d had sex in her bedroom while her mum was downstairs. When we split up I found out that she was having sex with lots of other boys.


    —Richard, Reveals his appalling taste in wimmins.

    It was like throwing a cocktail weener down a large corridor, quite an achievement for a 15 year old girl


    —Michael Jackson on Chantelle, Prior to donning the Pedo goggles.

    Media accounts suggest that there are as many as EIGHT British boys that may have promoted the pregnancy. No word yet if Ms Chantelle has been nicknamed "Octo-Slut".

    Spoiler Alert

    Were Alfie smart, he'd be dancing himself.

    A DNA test has revealed that Alfie "dad at 13" Patten is NOT the father of baby Maisie. He claims that his world has fallen apart. For our part, we're certain that he's dodged a whorish stray bullet.

    Update: Science sez Tyler is the lucky father. She's still a whore. She's also a bitch for trying to convince Alfie (and the world) that he was the father, presumably because she preferred him over the other tramps she'd fucked, and knew what a naive, gullible little kid he was.

    Watch out for her on Jeremy Kyle.

    See Also

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