Castlevania is a video game series which began life as a Super Mario Bros. dominating action-adventure for Nintendo's NES and SNES systems. Over the passing years newer installments would slowy succumb to the tsunami-wave of anorexic thirteen-year old anime fanboys and emo-furfags who'd never even played an emulated version of the original series, lamentably resulting in the situation that releases such as Castlevania: Judgement appeal more to the Sonichu fanbase.
The story of every Castlevania game is pretty much the same copy and paste scenario: Dracula rises either through his own power or from some retarded cultists reviving him because for God to be good there needs to be a supreme evil blah blah blah. This all happens for the sole purpose to troll the Belmonts and their allies.
All titles in the Castlevania series conform to one of two level design philosphies:
Castlevania games before 1997 were made in the traditional arcade style. They usually opened with a Vampire Hunter standing in front of Dracula's castle and then presented a whole bunch of levels where the you got knocked off platforms repeatedly by most of the enemies you encounter (likely Medusa heads). The player would proceed to kill bats, mummies, Frankenstein-monsters, Rudy Eugene and Death before finally fighting Dracula.
After 1997 all the games became a Metroidvania and got a shit-ton of RPG elements added. The vampire hunting industry is taken over by faggots clad in name-brand fashion accessories, shit is so cash. You alternate back and forth (as in an unholy amount of backtracking) through a castle collecting better weapons and all the other important "relics" you need to kill Dracula, for at least another 50 years.
A note about non-linearity in Castlevania - The post SoTN games games really are linear because the gameplay revolves around walking between point A and B seeing items and other important shit you can't get until you get the "relic" you need to reach said items. If they really were non-linear then surely you could just go kill Dracula from the start and go get a job. Then again, you are reading ED; so you might as well just go play one of the alternate character hard mode and avoid the embarrassment.
Main Series Games
- Castlevania (NES)
The first offering of the onslaught of cut and paste games to come. It consists of getting you getting knocked off ledges and dying. After struggling to beat the game you unleash Hard-Mode where your are CONSTANTLY zerg rushed by as many fucking bats as the game-engine can produce. The ability to change direction in the middle of a jump does not exist, causing most players to die more often to misplaced jumps than to enemies. The next 6 million games are like this, each with slightly better graphics. You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer, who uses a leather whip amongst other kinky Catholic sex-toys to rape 8-Bit skeletons. The bosses of the game are Dracula (obviously) and a couple of B-Movie monsters including Mummies and Frankenstein's Monster.
- Castlevania (MSX)
This was a port of the NES and Famicom Disk System (FDS) game to the MSX, but apart from the title had almost fuck-all to do with the game. It had Simon Belmont and Dracula, but that's where the similarities ended. It had solid controls, felt much more atmospheric than the other version. It was not without problems however, the game was often described as "frustrating" and did possess the appearence of having been designed by a person who having opened up a level editor randomly clicked away with their eyes sown shut. It also included the easiest Final-Boss fight in the series, quite possibly in any game of it's time. If you don't believe us, just look at this shit.
- Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest (NES)
This game existed solely to sell copies of Nintendo Power so people could find out just what to do with the Red Crystal. In an attempt to revolutionize all of gaming Konami tried their best to integrate RPG elements into the Medusa-head-dodging simulator's sequel. Of course, they fucked it all up and it had all the usual problems of JRPGs: poor translation, a useless EXP system to pad out gameplay, random uses for random items and in an attempt to be unique and day/night cycles. THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT.
- Castlevania: The Adventure/ReBirth (GB/Wiiware)
The first Castlevania game for handheld systems. This may possibly be the only Castlevania game fantards will not play. This is because the graphics are shit, the game runs at 12 frames a second, and the music is high pitched beeping in the shape of a musical tune. The plot is as usual for early video games, its in the manual. It has four levels and after you beat the game you loop again, but everything does double damage; this process repeats until every hit is an instant kill. ReBirth, fixes all the problems this game had, added color graphics and sub weapons back in.
- Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse (NES)
Finally comprehending the abomination they had produced, Konami went back and shuffled around the sprites from the first Castlevania. They then added some new characters; most notably Alucard. Other than that, it's the same game as the first one, commencing a long-standing tradition that the series would only reset with Symphony of the Night.
- Castlevania II: Belmont's Revenge (GB)
This is only slightly better than the last Gameboy Castlevania. While it did add back sub weapons (only the axe and holy water), the game still runs at a slow frame rate. It had one more level than Adventure did, but the levels are more distinct this time. It features a: cloud, plant, crystal, and rock castles; with Dracula's Castle as the Belmont of the day's final challenge. Some parts of the game change depending on which regional version of the ROM you are playing.
- Super Castlevania IV
In order to appease twelve-year olds who wanted to see Castlevania in glorious 16-bit color, Konami proceeded to produce the shittiest side-scrolling Castlevania to date. Seen by some fans to be a remake of the original it really is nothing more than Konami trolling its fanbase because, every side-scrolling Castlevania is a remake of the original. It included one of the worst uses of Mode7 SNES graphics, for the sole purpose of using said features. Most fans considered it God's gift to man because OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN WHIP IN 8 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
- Castlevania: Chronicles (Sharp X68000/PS1)
First released for a Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring long-time fans that the series was reverting to its prior suck. All you need to know is its the first game, remade yet again.
- Castlevania: Rondo of Blood (PC-Engine CD-ROM)
Features one of the fan favorite Belmonts, Richter. Traverse through nine levels with four alternate paths to get to Dracula, who this time switched up the game plan: He has kidnapped multiple maidens including Richter's future wife. This also marks the first appearance of the evil Jewish lawyer Shaft, who uses his Kabbalah satanist magiks to cheat death, not once, but three times. This occurs during this game and its direct sequel. Richter can utilize a new technique called "item crashes", which uses more hearts to do stronger attacks with your sub-weapons.
- Bloodlines (Genesis)
After fucking-up everything that could have been fucked with Super Castlevania IV, Konami lept forth to put right what once went wrong with the first and only Castlevania for the Sega Genesis. In it you play as two distinguished gentlemen in the forms of John Morris, your typical whip-wielding protagonist, and Eric Lecarde, a guy with the best fucking spear in any video game. These guys are related to the protagonist in the Bram Stoker novel as this game takes place after its events, making it the only Castlevania in canon with the original Dracula story and therefore the only one that matters. Konami finally realized that it was fucking stupid collecting hearts to power your weapons so instead you collect gems as this makes more sense. You can also perform an ITEM-CRASH with your weapons like you could do in Dracula X. Also carried over from Dracula X is the ability to jump on-and-off those fucking stairs finally, making the controls the best in the entire series. Despite all these improvements, Bloodlines manages to be the hardest Castlevania game to date making it another textbook example of how it sucks ass no matter what console.
- Symphony of the Night (PS1)
The sprites are cooler and the game system has been RPG-ified. The storyline is the epitome of failure but the gameplay is so great you won't give a fuck. There are shitloads of weapons/items/collectables to run around discovering and this serves to make the game a lot less boring. You play as the half-vampire Alucard and plow through the castle to find the owner is Richter Belmont. You receive magic goggles from Maria, a character from Rondo and discover that he's being controlled by the evil lawyer, Shaft. This creates a loophole in his contract allowing Dracula to be revived yet again. But here's the good part: You have to go through the same castle, BUT UPSIDE-DOWN this time and get full map completion to get the best ending!
- Castlevania: Legends (GB)
All you need to know is too much was changed and not enough problems were fixed in this Gameboy game. It tried to make a woman the lead character as the first Belmont to fight Dracula. No longer canon, because Konami must've realized that women never leave the kitchen.
- Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness (N64)
Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, Konami decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they wouldn't buy. It took them two tries on the N64, but they succeeded.
- Castlevania: Circle of the Moon (GBA)
The first Castlevania game to bring the exploration based gameplay style to a handheld system. This one attempted to be different by adding magic trading cards which can change your stats, your main attacks, or your character's appearance. The plot is as follows: You are not a Belmont and you must stop Camilla from fully reviving Dracula. Has a lot of extra modes, which only change your stats and that's it. No longer canon in the timeline.
- Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance (GBA)
Features the most piss easy gameplay that takes less than five minutes to fully master. The only thing that could challenge you are the bosses and how to get the best ending. This one has a slightly less cut-and-paste plot: your friend Maxim has went off on a training mission and returns with wounds and says your mutual friend (the girl you both have an implied love interest for) Lydie has been kidnapped. Reuses the two castles idea from SoTN and collecting Dracula's remains from Simon's Quest. Also has the thousandth appearance of Simon Belmont as a playable character.
- Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (GBA)
Prior to the events of this game, in the year 1999 Dracula is killed forever. In the current year of 2035, you are Soma Cruz an exchange student living in Japan. You and your totally not girlfriend get sucked into the solar eclipse where Dracula's Castle was sealed. You then go around collecting monsters' souls and better weapons in order to murder some retarded missionary who thinks he is the reincarnation of Dracula. Once that is done, you find out that Soma IS Dracula's reincarnation. Then you must fight the castle's power source: Chaos. Features the bonus mode where you get to play through the whole game as Julius Belmont, except for the final area after the fight against Graham.
- Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (PS2)
After fucking up Castlevania 64 they decided to give another go at a 3D Castlevania in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good, either. Also, featuring the first Belmont in the timeline. Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the crusades who has to save his wench from some ginger vampire named Walter. To make his whip strong enough to fuck Walter he has to murder his wife with it. He does so and it creates the whip "Vampire Killer". You go back after Walter and kill him, then there is a crazy twist revealing how Dracula came to be.
- Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (NDS)
Basically the same gameplay from Aria, but with improvements to how souls work. Almost the same plot, where cultists plan on making a new Dark Lord to replace the dead Dracula. Features Julius Mode again where it attempts to recreate the four player characters in Dracula's Curse. This would have worked had the replacement for Grant wasn't removed due to time constraints.
- Castlevania: Curse of Darkness (PS2/XBOX)
A retarded bonus scene added onto the events of Dracula's Curse. Also features similar gameplay to Lament of Innocence. Some characters from this game see the limelight again in the Castlevania anime on Netflix.
- Portrait of Ruin (NDS)
Probably the worst Castlevania ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the prick-teasing bitch). The castle is now full of paintings which serve as portals leading to Egypt, England, some random forest mansion, and a WW1 era circus; and then the same 4 paintings with barely different settings and an arena like painting with a shit ton of reused assets. The Final Boss is none other than the mysterious bald-headed man who paints them, who became a vampire out of pure rage. Then, as predicted Dracula gets revived again. After you beat the game you can play as "Richiter" Belmont, two magic bitches, or a suit of rusty armor. If you speak English don't bother playing the NA version, just emulate the PAL version since all the typos are fixed as well as a soft lock at the halfway point of the game. This one had so much potential to be a less samey feeling game with the paintings but Konami wanted to get the game out before the twentieth anniversary so shit had to get rushed.
- Order Of Ecclesia (NDS)
The final Castlevania game for the Nintendo DS, it had realistic art for character portraits and was really fucking hard, which is important to Castlevaniatards. It let the fans play as a half naked emo with magic tattoos who gets her brain fucked by an oldfag magician. She spends half her time not getting her surprisingly fuckable ass killed or being raped by lesbians. Eventually, she kills the oldfag, Dracula drools into his wineglass until she cockblocks him, then he tries to kill her by prancing back and forth like a faggot. She owns his ass using his own powers. Then you unlock Albus mode which is this game's alternate character mode. Seeing as this game has one alternate mode compared to the three of its predesscor shows that this series can't make any lasting improvements to the formula. Also has a level 999 cap that you unlock AFTER beating a hard mode level 1 cap mode.
- Castlevania: Judgement (Wii)
One day the staff at Konami was on LSD and they decided to make this horrid abomination of a fighting game. And because it's a fighting game the character designs had to be cooler, so they decided to release the artist who drew Death Note and set him free of his rampage against the series without any restraint on how he designs. As a result, Simon Belmont turns into a light yagami ripoff in a hard gay outfit, Maria turns into a sailor moon ripoff who attacks with magical animals, while Eric Lecarde is a Shota Trap. It also turns out that Trevor Belmont had ran into a love triangle with Grant and Sypha And Maria Cannot get enough of boobs. This has officially ruined the franchise with a massive pile of faggotry and fail that slowly spun the franchise to it's own grave.
This is the only spinoff game of any real significance; besides the various pachinko machines because Konami is too lazy and unoriginal to make any new games.
- Leon: The first member of the clan to wield the whip. He had anger issues and some very lame lines, such as "I'LL KILL YOU AND THE NIGHT!" and "CARVE THEM ON YOUR CURSED BODY AND PERISH!". He's also emo, which is surprising, since the game took place in 1095 AD, when the emo subculture was yet to befoul the world.
- Simon: The Belmont everyone knows and loves, and starred in the original, which is always the best. Konami loves him so much that they recycled his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (except in Super Castlevania IV).
- Trevor: An ancestor of Simon. He needed friends to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a transsexual witch. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but troll the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and molested by the game's villain.
- Richter: Fought alongside Maria Renard and Alucard. He was controlled by Shaft, but only after getting his shit packed in by Alucard did he come to his senses. He originally looked like Ryu, but was updated for Symphony of The Night and the Dracula X Chronicles to look like every other Belmont, with the added bonus of greasy, unkempt hair. May be related to Richiter Belmont, who you can play as in Portrait of Ruin.
- Julius: A modern Belmont, Julius is the most powerful Belmont to date and the only one to have facial hair, which may or may not be related to his powers.
Other Player Characters
- Alucard: The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula spelt backwards. His real name is "Adrian Farenheit Tepes". He hates his dad, probably because he was not given enough hugs as a child. In the future he turns into a weeb, calling himself "Genya Arikado". He is the most fapped-to person in the series by fanboys and fangirls alike, due to his cool powers and hawt looks.
- Soma Cruz: A half-Puerto Rican high school exchange student in Japan in 2035 who is supposed to be Dracula's reincarnation, and can absorb souls from monsters. He can equip souls to gain new attacks. He is quite androgynous, only surpassed by Alucard when it comes to looking like an anime faggot.
- Sypha Belnades: Sorcerer who helped Trevor Belmont in Dracula's Curse. At the end of the game, he is revealed to be she, and apparently had a hard life. After IGA took over, and Konami granting him power to change everything, Sypha and Trevor made babies and gave birth to new super-powerful Belmonts, most notably Juste. In the fighting game Castlevania: Judgment, where Death Note artist Takeshi Obata did the character designs, he gave Sypha a new rack job, as well as a PMSing personality, thus giving birth to her new name; Slutpha Bitchnades. She's also a witch who works for the Church.
- Maria Renard: Richter's sister-in-law who attacks by throwing birds. Originally shown as a little girl kidnapped by a dark priest, she next appears as a horny teenager, chasing after Alucard.
Dracula and his Bitches
- Dracula: The main villain of the series. In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a large number of wine glasses and transforming into his true form, which is never the same thing in any game.
Supposedly destroyed once and for all by Julius Belmont in 1999.HE'S BACK!!!
- Death: Before death, a nigga. No, really. That's all you need to know.
- Carmilla: Carmilla fucking loves Dracula. No, srsly. She has butthurt over the fact Dracula is gay with Death and prefers his boner over her dirty-pillows. She likes to wear typically whorish outfits with fishnets and platform high-heels. Alucard acts like he hates her and wants to kill her. But we all know what he really wants from her.
Here's some of the most prominent songs.
The Netflix Show
The only new thing going on in the Castlevania series for awhile were pachinko machines and shitty ports, when one day Netflix announced that the animated adaptaion of Dracula's Curse was finally going to be revived fully as a Netflix original TV show instead of a movie. There are currently three seasons available:
Introduces background info and lore. Introduces Trevor Belmont, Sypha Belnades and Alucard. Pretty much the same plot as the NES original with some minor alterations to the plot at this point. Only four episodes.
The season where the trio of heroes clash with Dracula and his underlings. Adds in some original characters (the only named one gets killed off mid season) as well as a character who had not plot relevance in the original game is here. Has some hints of Curse of Darkness thrown in for good measure.
This season is where it begins to adapt Curse of Darkness, but decides to go more off the rails and do its own thing, for better or for worse depending on who you ask. It starts off simple, starting a few months after Dracula got BTFO off Wallachia, Trevor and Sypha are going around and killing leftover monsters and Alucard is still being an emo. Things get progressively more intense from here, people worship Dracula now and want to resurrect him, Alucard is a confirmed faggot, Isaac raises his own army of monsters to go kill Hector, who is a slave in more ways than one to Carmilla and her sisters and inter-dimensional travel. Has the most cliffhanger ending of the three seasons.
How to troll:
- Go on a Castlevania board and say that Castlevania: Legends is canon, and that Igarashi removed it from the time-line because he's sexist.
- In a poll about who's the best character, point out that Alucard is a shitty hero and Simon Belmont is more manly.
- If you want an easy way to troll a Castlevania forum, find a thread about fans that really likes "realistic" looking character art in the games (like
what was found in Aria Of Sorrow and Order Of Ecclesia), and tell them you like anime style art instead. That'll piss them off or really irritate them at the least. Specify that you liked the art in Portrait of Ruin the best to further piss them off.
- Alternatively, praise the art style of Castlevania Judgment unironically and be an insulting dick to everyone who disagrees with you.
- Say the other games do backtracking for game progression better.
- Mention how the classic games are shit because the controls are 2D tank simulators.
- Remind them that Alucard is too much of a faggot to become playable in Super Smash Bros and that Richter is more recognizable.
- If anyone mentions shit about the timeline tell them they forgot to mention Circle of the Moon or Legends' placement in the timeline.
- What is a man?
- Simon Belmont
- ICVD - A forum full of Castlevania fantards.
- Dance In The Vampire Bund
- The Castlevania Dungeon (For more information than you ever wanted to know about the series)
- "Dracula Perfect Selection" (The official Castlevania rap album. Srsly)
- Throne Room of Lord Dracula (Another forum with Castlevania fantards)
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