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    Carl Paladino

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    Police.gif Carl Lost The Election

    The resemblance is uncanny.
    Mrs. Paladino gets lonely at night

    Carl Paladino was the Republican nominee for Governor in New York. His platform includes all the batshit insane homophobic positions of the Tea-party GOP, but what sets him apart from the rest is how he has conducted his campaign, which has included sending garbage-scented flyers to potential voters. He is also a known aficionado of horse porn, as seen here.

    The Internets at large first heard about Carl back when he was the Teabagger darling underdog and not the Republican nominee for governor of a major state. Like every other dipshit redneck and racist in the country, Carl was forwarding around hilarious racist e-mails about Obama from his AOL e-mail account. He figured it'd just be some good old-fashioned racism mixed with bestiality porn among friends, right? Of course, some troll had to forward the e-mails to the media, ruining innocent fun among friends.

    He's basically the 4chan of American politics.

    Greatest Hits

    • Telling a bunch of Jews in Williamsburg how he has nothing against gays he just thinks they're disgusting and less than human(though he's totally cool with bestiality). This, coming from being offended by a gay pride parade, oblivious to the fact the whole point of them is to troll people like him IRL.
    • Almost punching a reporter from The New York Post in the face. But then again, everyone has wanted to do this at one time or another.
    • Losing the election before a single vote is even cast, because this is New York and he's a Republican.
    • Being Italian. Wait...isn't the other guy...?
    • Having a bad temper. But then again, the other guy has that too. Ain't New York politics grand?
    Typical New York Politician



    Carl is against taxes, a favorite pastime of white people in upstate New York, but only as long as those taxes are paying for poor people to get health insurance or food. If the government money is benefiting real-estate scumbags like himself, he is quite alright with taxes and spending.


    Carl recently informed the world that he wants some of that hott federal prosecutor ass:

    Questioner: "If you were the chief executive of New York, what would your response be to the attorney general of the United States deciding to hold terrorist trials in Manhattan?"

    Paladino: "F*** him. F*** him."


    So his response to federal terrorist trials in Manhattan is to have buttsex with the prosecutor. This has not stopped all of the Upstate hicks from putting his signs all over their asbestos-infested double-wides, however.


    He's also famous for using the "Mad as hell" line from Network, in an un-ironic way (since that movie is basically making fun of people like him before it was cool), as only teabaggers can. When he actually won the Republican nomination to everyone's surprise, his campaign signs mysteriously dropped that line. Oh, and he's also a ladies' man, something like our current governor.

    Uncle Carl's Log Cabin

    The face of a serious political campaign.

    Similar to the way Hitler himself said, "But my best friend is Jewish!" when the Allies came to Berlin to ask him wtf he was doing with all those ovens, Carl often points to the fact that his nephew (by marriage) is openly gay and therefore how could he possibly be a homophobe? Aside from the fact that his nephew pretty much hates his guts, it turns out that his campaign manager doesn't mind being licked at a gay pride parade, either.

    Ducks this large usually get shot in Upstate New York.

    Recent photographic evidence has surfaced that Carl might be a furry, too, leading to the possibility of the first furry governor.


    Ladies and gentlemen, the next governor of the Great State of New York. Notice the fake nigger in the back. Class act, this guy.

    As election day approaches, math dork Nate Silver has basically told Carl, "fuck it, you have no chance. Just go home and get drunk, you'll feel better in the morning." Carl decided to take him up on his advice.


    Tomorrow, Andrew Cuomo will be crowned King of New York as his hereditary rights demand, and Carl Paladino will go back to being a racist, homophobic, horse-fucking, scumbag real estate developer from the city on the infected anus of Lake Erie, Buffalo.

    Carl Paladino
    is part of a series on Politics.
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