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Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare

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Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, also known as Titan Fall: Reloaded, Elysium: The Video Game, and Cock of Doody: Advanced Whorefare, BAL of Duty: Advanced ASM1fare. That's right! The guys from Sledgehammer who tried to help Infinity Ward on the heap of garbage that was MW3 have finally came up with yet another fucking COD title. Basically it's just fucking Halo.


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You play a crippled veteran in the 2040s after murdering dozens of North Koreans (Yeah, more futuristic bullshit), who's recruited by some generic Mercenary company inspired by countless FPS games where you're stuck in an exo suit that gives you superpowers!!!. But then your protagonist is like, LOL NO FUCK THAT SHIT, betrays his employer in an instant and then just goes on a murdering spree.


  • Jack Mitchell: - Ungrateful puppy eyed redneck bitch-boy protagonist who shits on comradeship the instant something wrong is done in the world. Except when he brutally murders Koreans or all his former comrades. Takes a shit on his 4 years of service with ATLAS just so he can "do the right thing" and murder all his old comrades.
  • Gideon: Token britfag. Cold-bloodedly enjoys murdering his ATLAS ex-comrades after 4 years of service, because fuck loyalty.
  • Ilona: Ex-SPEZNAS (how the fuck?!) feminazi that is essentially useless to the plot after discovering TEH DARK SEKRIT OF KEVIN SPACEY.
  • Knox: Some guy nobody cares about, gets rek'd by MANTICORE germs.
  • Joker: That guy that ... umm ... cracks jokes? Nope, didn't do that one. Did he fly the Normandy ... no that's not him. That's how important this character was to the plot.
  • Cormack: The token Call of Duty nigger, dies like a bitch by bleeding out after getting shot in the dick by Kevin Spacey.
  • Will Irons: Son of Kevin Spacey, dies like a retard after getting his arm stuck with a grenade in his hand. HOLD X TO PAY RESPECTS!!11
  • Jonathan Irons: HOLY DOGSHIT KEVIN SPACEY!!!one!11!! His company ATLAS rebuilds sandnigger towns into high tech cities in less than 2 years, don't ask how that is even physically possible. He's clearly the bad guy here. Gives Mitchell a second chance by giving him a robot arm and lets him join his private military force, but then he *DER GASP* TRIES TO PROFIT FROM TERRORIST ATTACKS THAT HIS ENEMY, "HADES", PLANNED OUT, SO HE CAN DO THINGS FOR THE GREATER GOOD BY CAUSING SOME DEATHS WITH A SUPER WEAPON. 3 times he has the chance to shoot Mitchell right in the face, but doesn't because he's "NOT A MONSTER", yet he shot an informant in the back of the head and shot Cormack so he could bleed out (?!?!). Did anyone even read the fucking script when they wrote this game? Falls off a burning building after Mitchell cuts off the Robo-arm he was hanging onto, OH TEH IRONY.


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Now with upgrades so your streaks are even more overpowered than they already are.

  • Recon Drone: A shittier version of the UAV that you have to physically pilot around and tag people while your team gets all the kills, plus the UAV only costs 50 more points.
  • UAV: Added back after Ghosts got rid of it in place of the shitty SatCom radar and a bunch of faggots got butthurt over the loss of their beloved UAV.
  • Assault Drone: A flying sphere of doom that is packed with explosives and suicide bombs people. Can be outfitted with guns, but the rockets will rape the shit out of everyone.
  • Orbital Care Package: Same as it always has been except it comes from fucking space and can't be shot down for the lulz. Booby trap it and get multikills from the dumbasses who try to steal it.
  • Remote Turret: Manually controlled sentry gun which is absolute shit. Add AI control, 360 Degree Rotation and perhaps rockets and you have an damn near unstoppable defense.
  • System Hack: Same as the EMP from MW2 but like all other streaks it can be upgraded. This is the most annoying fucking streak in the game as its rather easy to get and it wrecks shit on an entire team. Use Hard Wired to avoid.
  • XS1 Vulcan: Low Orbit Ion Cannon that vaporizes the shit out of anybody caught in it's path.
  • Missile Strike: Same as the Predator Missile but can be upgraded with cluster bombs and all sorts of other shit.
  • Bombing Run: Expect these about 10 times a game, has potential to kill an entire team without upgrades and using any upgrades just means you're a faggot.
  • XS1 Goliath: Big ass Titanfall knockoff I'm the juggernaut bitch robot suit with an overpowered as shit gun on it, takes a millions shots to kill.
  • Warbird: Same as every other attack chopper in CoD history. Its shit normally but is overpowered as fuck with AI control.
  • Paladin: AC130 on fucking roids. Has a full auto explosive gun that rapes shit and can take upgrades if for some reason your aren't satisfied already with spawnkilling an entire team in one burst.
  • DNA Bomb: 30 killstreak nuke that does exactly the same shit as it always has. No point in getting one when the Bombing Run is just as effective.


Assault Rifles

Call of Duty: Assault Warfare. That is all.

  • BAL-27: Used by fucking-everybody, it is so overrated that this game is starting to be called BAL of Duty.
  • AK-12: CTRL-C + CTRL-V from CoD Ghosts, like the BAL-27 everybody uses it. Somehow it has absolutely ZERO fucking recoil despite it being an AK.
  • ARX-160: More copy and paste. The only difference is that this gun fires 3-round burst instead of Automatic like in CoD Ghosts.
  • HBRA3: Has a TERRIBLE iron sight but probably the most unique weapon in the Assault Category. The first three rounds of a burst fire faster, so that pretty much means the rate of fire slows down after 3 rounds of a burst.
  • IMR: Gun that 3D prints it's fucking ammo and fires 4-round bursts. Rapes shit from across the map.
  • MK14: ANOTHER Copy and Paste.... This time from MW3, even the Lever Action is significantly more usable than this Vietnam era sack of shit.
  • AE4: Full auto laser rifle with shit for accuracy and damage. Only available from the Havoc DLC.
  • STG-44: The kraut made, Jew and Americunt slaughtering assault rifle from World at War is back for some fucking reason. Rapes shit in all situations. Run Overkill with an MP40 for true Nazism glory. Heil Hitler.
  • M16: The defender of muh freedoms, added back from Modern Warfare to appease all the fat redneck Americunts who wanted their precious 3 round burst shitstick back.
  • AK-47: As if the AK-12 wasn't enough, they decided to add it's hard kicking granddaddy. Loved by the commies and sand niggers alike, it's perfect for countering all the faggots who use the M16.
  • Lever Action: Holy shit more old western Amerifuck weapons! It may be lever action but you can fire it faster than a redskin can rape his own women, and drop bitches from across the map like Clint Eastwood.
  • M1 Garand: Granddaddy of the MK14 and famous for the "ping" sound it makes when it runs it shitty 8 round capacity dry. It's basically between the Lever Action and the MK14 in performance.
Submachine Guns

High rate of fire shitsticks with high recoil. Guaranteed rape at close range to those who don't use other SMGs or Shotguns.

  • ASM1: Notable for being a futuristic Tommy gun. Was later massively buffed and is now one of the most overpowered guns in the game. The now resurrected MP40 gives it a run for the money.
  • KF5: Called the MPX IRL. Basically an MP5 knockoff with uber damage for the first five shots of a magazine, then it becomes just like any other SMG, shit.
  • MP11: MAC-10 knockoff because every CoD needs an Uzi type SMG for some fucking reason.
  • SN6: UMP .45 knockoff, nothing much to gripe about but there's no point in using it when you can just use the ASM1 or the MP40.
  • SAC3: CTRL-C + CTRL-V of the Vector from MW2, however it shoots much slower and can only be used akimbo although there are single versions available. Rapes everything at close range.
  • AMR9: A shitty five round burst carbine that in true Call of Duty fashion fell under the SMG category of course.
  • MP40: We all remember this from World at War. The gun that caused all other guns to cease to exist, and it's back and just as fucking overpowered. Thanks a lot Sledgehammer, you fucking shits.
  • Sten: A WWII era Britbong weapon built by Jeremy Clarkson in his garage out of steel pipes and fish and chips grease with nothing but a hammer. Nothing terribly wrong with it apart from looking fucking retarded for not using an ASM1 or MP40.
  • Repulsor: A laser SMG that somehow does a better job at burning holes into faggots than it's big brother, the AE4. Shoots fast as fuck.
  • TAC-19: TAC-12 from Ghosts but has been modified to fire fucking lethal sound waves. Sits people on their ass at close range.
  • Bulldog: CTRL-C + CTRL-V from CoD Ghosts again. Fast semi auto fire rate that pisses hot pellets all over your opponent's face.
  • S12: Bullpup full auto shotty with an insane fucking rate of fire. Can't do shit without extended mags, in which it can clear entire fucking rooms.
  • Blunderbuss:Because nothing screams "Advanced Warfare" by including this pile of 17th century horseshit. A practically ancient muzzle loading shotgun with massive fucking damage and a god awful reload speed. As if the M1 Irons wasn't ill fitting enough.
  • CEL-3 Cauterizer: Apparently Sledgehammer decided it was a good idea to add a fucking wonder weapon from Exo-Zombies into multiplayer. One shot kill at close range and can clear entire rooms when the trigger is held down.
Sniper Rifles

Famous for being used for 1337 quikscop3 klipz.

  • Lynx: Again, a port over from CoD: Ghosts but with much less damage. Absolute shit except in Hardcore.
  • MORS: A bolt action railgun with a scope on it. Used primarily by quickscoping 12 year olds to get a yewtube montage.
  • NA-45: A piece of shit that holds two shots. First shot is an explosive and the second shot detonates it when hit in the same spot. You will miss.
  • Atlas 20mm: A fucking massive gun that fired from the shoulder like a rocket launcher. Used by people who can't use the MORS.
  • SVO: The terrorist loved Dragunov from CoD4 is back, because they evidently ran out of ideas for fake weapons. Semi auto, one shot kill and more mobile than the massive fucking Atlas 20mm.
Heavy Weapons

Stupid replacement of Light Machine Guns.

  • EM1: Also notable for being a legitimate laser weapon that shoots a high powered, concentrated beam to vaporize holes in your enemies torsos.
  • Pytaek: LSAT from Ghosts with a unpronounceable as fuck name and shitty iron sights. Perfect for pissing off actual snipers when you add better optics.
  • XMG: Akimbo fucking miniguns with shit damage and accuracy. Can be deployed to rape at long range but at the cost of being able to move.
  • EPM3: Massive plasma rifle with garbage damage. There's absolutely no point in using this heavy, horseshit of a gun. It makes the MK14 look good.
  • Ameli: It seems every weapon category has a cut-n-paste from the absolutely dogshit CoD: Ghosts. Use with grip and target enhancer then go camp an objective for great justice.
  • Ohm: Because apparently the ASM1 wasn't overpowered enough already, they decided to throw in a fucking laser LMG that can transform into a full auto shotgun and has uber damage in both modes.

Used when you waste all your ammo

  • Atlas 45: Shoots good old .45ACP, which bounces harmlessly off your opponent. Worst pistol in the game.
  • RW1: A fucking 1-shot high calibre mini-railgun. Because the MORS apparently wasn't retarded enough they made a pistol specifically for quickscopers.
  • MP443 Grach: CTRL-C + CTRL-V from CoD Ghosts but it is now 2 round burst because fuck all. Used by nobody.
  • PDW: CTRL-C + CTRL-V from CoD Ghosts again but is correctly full auto. Runs out of ammo in the blink of a fucking eye.
  • M1911: The signature pistol of Americunts that they stuff in their jeans to protect themselves from the occasional rabid nigger. As if we didn't have enough shit from World War II already.

Blow shit up.

  • Stinger M7: Basically an upgrade of the Stinger from MW2 but it fires four rockets at the same fucking time and can lock onto people now. Overpowered as fuck in objective modes.
  • MAAWS: CTRL-C + CTRL-V from CoD Ghosts and works almost exactly the same except you now longer have to get it in a care package.
  • MAHEM: Re-skin of the RPG, use with Danger Close on hardcore search and destroy and fire at the ground at the start of every match.
Other Shit
  • Heavy Shield: Same as the Assault Shield from Black Ops 2.
  • MDL: Revolving grenade launcher that fires timed frag grenades. Use with Danger Close and spam an objective with it.
  • Crossbow: Same as in Black Ops 1 but as you can expect it's a piece of shit.
  • M1 Irons: An old west style, single action revolver. Yeah, no shit. Kills in two shots and can be dual wielded for extra lulz.


  • Lightweight: Because exo-boosting like a rabbit on acid wasn't fast enough for you.
  • Low Profile: Also referred to as ghost for campers. Everyone will use this making UAVs useless and all the nerds will get butthurt.
  • Danger Close: The classic noob tube perk. Pick this if you don't like making friends.
  • Overcharged: Like buying extra-long life batteries for your exo ability. Also releases a shockwave when ground slamming.
  • Flak Jacket: Piss off noob tubers and 'nade spammers alike by camping objectives with this perk. Until they fire the second explosive and you die.
  • Peripherals: Makes your minimap bigger and no death icon appears on the enemies screens.
  • Blind Eye: Making every scorestreak useless since MW3!
  • Cold-blooded: Makes you immune to the annoying wallhack grenades
  • Fast Hands: Reload whilst sprinting!
  • Gung-ho: Allows you to run into a room rambo style, spamming the ameli.
  • Toughness: Stops the retarded flinch mechanic from being as effective.
  • Scavenger: Pick up ammo for your gun. Perfect for people who hate picking up other people's weapons because they jerk off to the Bal-27 every night and can't live without it.
  • Blast Suppressor: Don't show up on the map when boost jumping. Really effective because you'll always be boost jumping
  • Hard Wired: Immune to the system hack. Always take this perk for that reason alone
  • Hardline: Lets you get system hacks quicker!
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