Robert Budd Dwyer was a Pennsylvanian politician best known for being the greatest man to ever live.
Back then, on January 22, 1987, Dwyer was the Treasurer of Pennsylvania when he was convicted of receiving kickbacks and losing the state's official iPod. Budd was asked to leave, and faced at least 100 years in jail and multiple kicks to the testicles, but did he puss out and let the man tell him what to do? Did he curl up into a ball, suck his thumb, and weep like a child? HELL NO! Instead, he did quite possibly the most awesome thing the world has ever seen.
Our hero arranged a press conference with as many people and news cameras as possible, and did so on a day when school was closed, so that every child could see him on television while eating a healthy lunch. That day, he made a TL;DR speech to the press in that distinctively rich, manly voice of his, handed some papers out to his colleagues, and then pulled a Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum revolver out of an envelope, stuck it up his mouth, and SHOT HIMSELF ON LIVE TELEVISION!!! FUCKING WIN!!!1!
Witnesses reported that the last words muttered from the excessively nosebleeding man were "I told you I was hardcore." Everyone freaked the fuck out and turned off their cameras. However, one brave cameraman understood that he was witnessing the advent of a great cultural paradigm shift, and thus kept filming with a raging hard-on. A doctor was called to the scene, but fortunately it was too late. Our hero had already died of lead poisoning.
On the Internets
Betamax videotape copies of the incident spread across '80s America faster than the growing AIDS epidemic. These tapes were favorites among goths and other assholes, such as those douchebags who think that laughing out loud at death scenes in a movie theater is hardcore. These tapes evolved into that lame Faces of Death video series, which is basically crappy/fake footage of IRL deaths cut to really shitty music. Eventually, some retard found the Dwyer tape and showed it to then-famous website that was popular in the early days of the web, Stile. After watching the video as an aphrodisiac and 3 hours of hot fudgepacking, he had an idea: if he put the video on his site as a crappy 10x10 pixel, 56k mpeg (back in 2001, this was epic broadband for internets), he could make massive profit. After spreading the footage to a new generation of basement-dwelling losers, he netted $20,000,000 in Internet money. Later, after blowing all of his Jew golds on tranny hookers and cocaine, he sold the rights of the suicide to Mattel so they could make Budd Dwyer action figures (complete with press conference playset and "mystery" envelope!).
Pop Culture References
—You Did It ~ Necro
- Filter wrote a song about Dwyer called Hey Man, Nice Shot. Filter was one of the first of many crappy bands to pay tribute to Dwyer's great accomplishment. Most slacker Gen-X faggots think that the song is about their own an hero Kurt Cobain, but this is only because they are stupid.
- Another shit band, Marilyn Manson, used the clip of Mr. Dwyer saying "No! This will hurt someone!" in one of their lame songs.
- Liberal blubbertub Michael Moore saw the video on the net while searching the site for Japanese scat porn. He loved it so much that he included it into his movie Bowling For Columbine.
Often Imitated, Never Duplicated
Often known as the Budd Dwyer effect, many people have tried their own attempts at epic IRL suicide. However, with the advent of emo music, MySpace, and LiveJournal, 100% of these would-be failures were assured to be complete failures. Many have tried, but Budd was the first and last person to accomplish life's equivalent of a flawless victory.
Budd Dwyer Lulz Gallery
- An Hero
- I did it for the lulz
- Shotgun mouthwash
- Christine Chubbuck - Was actually the first person to off herself on television, even before Dwyer, but was a woman so no one cared.
- Epic Win
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