|Boston just got BLOWN THE FUCK UP|
ITS THE BOSTON TNT PARTY!!!
Boston, OR BAWWSTIN AS A LOCAL MIGHT SAY, is America's tenth largest metropolitan area and one of its two primary technology hubs, the other being the equally gender-confused faggy San Francisco. As such, it is filled with nerds, geeks, hipsters, bandwagoners, and artfags. It is home to much nerdy fail such as LARPing, Neo-pagan religion, ass-pie meetup groups, and stupid web startups.
The original population of Boston was primarily made up of drunken paddys with excessive crotch fruit employed by rich snobby WASPs and their well-educated trust fund brat offspring. Boston still contains many Irish Catholics and rich white WASP douchebags.
The rich white WASP fucks of Boston started many colleges and universities, most notably MIT and Hahvud. This brought a flood of nerds, geeks, and Azns who came and settled and bred aspie offspring who fap to Hentai.
Faggotry and trollability are deeply rooted in Boston dating back at least 100 years when, in a drunken raging hissy-fit, a bunch of Bostonians dumped a bunch of tea into the Boston Hahbah to protest being pwnt by the King of England, who was taxing their asses for great justice. This tantrum became known as The Boston Tea Party.
Shortly after they'd slept that bender off they started whining and whining about not having won a World Series because of The Curse of the Bambino, which refers to the complete and utter failure of their baseball 'team' (the Boston Red Stockings) to win a World Series Championship after the team's owner sold their star player, the legendary Babe 'The Bambino' Ruth, to the New York Yankees so he could finance the Broadway musical "No, No Nannette". As a result, the Red Sox became the Yankees' bitches for life .
The Local Dialect: Bostonics
Boston and Massachusetts in general has its own dialect, which sounds veay retahded. Bostonics is mostly spoken by local massholes. Here are some examples of common Bostonics terms:
- Caah: n. A method of motorized transport
- Khakis: n. What yah staht yah caah with
- Hahbah: n. Large body of water on which Boston is located, opens to Atlantic ocean
- Chahles Rivah: n. River that runs between Boston and Cambridge
- Wikkit: adv. Very, extremely
- Pissah: adj. Awesome
- Beah: n. Fermented beverage made from barley and hops.
- Beah: n. Large lumbering animal that shits in the woods.
- Bah: n. Where beah may be purchased.
- Bubblah: n. A device used to cool and dispense drinking water.
- Gahden: n. Where plants and flowers are grown
- Bawstin Gahden: n. Where the Celtics play, though its now named after some bank that's probably now bankrupt
- Hahvahd: n. Pretentious Ivy-league school for trust fund kid douchebags and WASP larvae
- Chahlie Cahd: n. RFID-based debit cahd used by the "T" system (subway/trains/buses), hax0r3d within days of its introduction by MIT dorks
The Boston Red Sox once sucked due to the Curse of the Bambino (see History) but have now got a Jewish owner who is dishing out money and overpaying Puerto Ricans to be a decent team. The Celtics were good for one year, but it is now known that their best players are bitch made old men who have no testicles. The New England Patriots' fans believe that they are the best team ev-uh. Many lulz are had at this, because every sane football watcher knows that the Patriots can't win without cheating.
Boston's sports teams are really not all that great, but their fans seem to think so. Their fans are possibly the most obnoxious sports fans evar and can be seen drunkenly declaring that the Red Sox/Patriots/Bruins/Celtics are amazing and that every other team in the world sucks. They also believe that anyone who finds them annoying is simply jealous. also:
Each Boston neighborhood has its own unique personality. Here's a not-complete list:
- Beacon Hill: This is where rich trust fund kid douchebags go to spend their parents money on overpriced apartments while they study advanced graduate level basket weaving at Hahvahd. This is also where old uptight WASPs live such as John Kerry, 2004 presidential candidate and douchebag.
- The Financial District: The financial district is an area of downtown which by day hosts most of Boston's banks and financial institutions. By night it's full of hoochie clubs where meatheads from Boston College and BU go to find willing sperm recepticles.
- Boston Common: Pathetic imitation of Central Park and site of the Boston Fail Party, surrounded by overpriced high-rise condos full of Yuppies.
- Chinatown: You orda egg roll chop suey! Warning: now half Vietnamese, so they might kill your ass with a punji stick.
- Fenway: Part college ghetto, part yuppie hell, and also home to where the Red Sox play ball. Being where Fenway Pahk is, its home to a lot of bahs where drunk meatheads scream "Red Sox!" or "Patriots!" and then throw up on the sidewalk later. One of its most fascinating attractions is The Fens. By day this is a public park and garden where old farts can tend small rented out garden plots. By night this is where you go if you want a gino with shelack in his hair to polish your knob for $20.
- Dorchester: niggers.
- Mattapan: niggers.
- Somerville: Traded vicious Irish gangsters for nerds, artfags, and buyer's remorse.
- Roxbury: niggers and beaners.
- Hyde Park: niggers and beaners, gets stabby after dark.
- Back Bay: Yuppie scum, home to Newbury St. where you can buy a handbag for $10,000.
- Brookline: Jews.
- West Roxbury: Where all the frightened white soccer moms ran in the 60s when forced busing meant their children might go to school with niggers. There is alsa a mosque there. Kids aw forced ta pray there.
- Jamaica Plain: Jamaica Plain (known as "JP" to locals) is full of artfags, hippies, and lesbians. The lesbians like to hang out at a local ice cream parlor and coffee shop called JP Licks. There is no pun intended in that name, you dirty fuck.
- Quincy: Pronounced "Kwin-zee" by locals because they are retahded, Quincy is home to mostly massholes who speak Bostonics and Azns who drive ricer cahs with fart cans on the tailpipe. It's also where fresh off the boat people from Chinatown go when they make enough money to not live in an 8x8 closet in Chinatown with 500 other FOBers.
- Westin: WASPs.
- Newton: WASPs with children named "Zachary" who play Lacrosse.
- Waltham: defense contractors who employ nerds, WASPs with emo kids, and Jew Lots of spics live here.
- Watertown: Armenians, giggling Allstonians (q.v.) out to buy 'hookahs.' Niggers and spics frequent the two malls there.
- Wellesley: WASPs and Wellesley College, the all-girls WASP-larvae school where Hillary Clinton licked Bush (see Fuck Truck below)
- Allston and Brighton: Notorious college ghetto home to binge drinking meatheads that go to BU, Boston College, or any one of Boston's other 1x10^36 universities. These neighborhoods are known for being ground zero in Boston's recent bedbug epidemic, which resulted from broke-ass college kids trading mattresses and sheets and couches and bodily fluids on Craigslist. Vomit and dog shit can be found on the sidewalks, while the streets are lined with college ghetto apartments, cheap chinese food joints, and bahs that cater to frat guy morons and sorority hoez.
- East Boston: Catholic paddys that bear forth crotch fruit.
- South Boston / Southie: Was once full of Paddys but is now full of Yuppie scumbags and artfags and hipsters who thought it would be cool to move there after they saw "Good Will Hunting." Parts are still full of Irish Catholics and occasionally get stabby.
- Revere: Pronounced "reveah," this neighborhood is full of locals and stupid wiggers who drive ricer cars. It features Reveah Beach, which may rival the picturesque beaches of northern New Jersey for whores and fat guys in speedos. This is one of the few neighborhoods where a Mullet can be sighted in the wild.
- Malden: Local Massholes.
- Longwood: Location of Harvard Medical School where evil mad scientists and Jews create transgenic monsters.
- Everett: Local Massholes and the Mystic River which is where the mafia dumps people who don't use union labor. The AFL-CIO has a building on "Maffa Way."
- Hull: Home of Hull Beach where hoez get picked up by ricers (Note: Boston technically does not have beaches as they are commonly understood, since half the year is too nut-freezing cold to do anything outdoors and most of the population is too farking ugly to be seen at a beach during the other half the year.)
- North End: Ginos and Eurofags and literally hundreds of Italian restaurants.
- Salem: Site of the Salem Witch Trials. Now home to Pagans, Wiccans, LARPing and zaiger.
Cambridge is directly to the north of Boston across the Chahles Rivah. It's technically a separate city and smugly considers itself better than Boston, even though everyone who doesn't live there doesn't give a rat's ass and just calls it Boston. Cambridge also considers itself too cool to speak Bostonics.
Cambridge is home to MIT and Hahvahd and a huge number of nerds, geeks, overeducated academics, smug hippies with pony tails, and hipsters. It's ground zero for Boston's infestation of nerdiness and over-educated academic smug.
Half of Cambridge's population is attending college, usually on their parents' money or their trust fund. The other half of Cambridge is trying to start at least one web or technology startup. Cambridge desperately wants to be Silicon Valley but suffers from the problem of not being in California and being under feet of fucking snow for half the year. Another issue that directly relates to it not being in California is the inadequate supply of hallucinogenic drugs which results in its nerds not becoming cool and not getting laid. Serious attempts are underway to address this issue (see below).
Cambridge itself has a number of distinct neighborhoods, including:
- Kendall Square: Home of MIT and a million technology startups. Nerds walk the streets openly and without fear of persecution. Kendall Square is also home to a lot of pretentious egotistical businessmen and venture capitalist assholes attempting to make money off the technology industry while shoving cocaine up their nose.
- Central Square: Between MIT and Hahvahd, Central Square is home to nerds and college students as well as a lot of hipsters and artfags. Dirty bums can be found near the Central Square T (subway) stop as well as gutter punks and teenie boppers attempting to be cool. There are clubs in Central Square where eurofag techno may be heard.
- Harvard Square: Where trust fund kids go during the "acquire pretentious degree" phase of their life cycle. You can also find bums here with Ph.Ds who will lecture you about UFO propulsion. Independent bookstores fester here.
- Harvard Square "Pit": A hang spot where the dregs of society go to contract drug habits and STD's.
- North Cambridge: nerds with children who need more than one bedroom, and a small population of beaners
- East Cambridge: Where pretentious nuevo-rich yuppie assholes live in overpriced cocaine pad condos.
- Porter Square: nerds, a few Japanese people, a lot of weeaboos, and startups that can't afford to be in Kendall Square.
Cambridge is the home of GNU, the free software cult. Beneath Cambridge are tunnels where geeks sit in front of old computers running Linux or BSD and bang out software for free. Periodicially they must be fed raw meat and Mountain Dew lest they come to the surface to take their fill of human flesh.
The Fuck Truck
The Fuck Truck is officially known as the Wellesley College Senate Bus, a bus that runs almost 24/7 between MIT, Hahvahd, and Wellesley College. Wellesley College is where WASPs send their female larvae to acquire a pretentious degree, so the purpose of The Truck is to mix their genetic material with MITers and Hahvahd students with high future earning potential.
The mixing of WASP genes from Wellesley with anti-social nerds from MIT results in a spectacularly large population of people with Aspergers Syndrome in the Boston metro area.
Lack of Drugs
Cambridge, as mentioned above, desperately wants to be Silicon Valley. In a $10 million study undertaken by Harvard University, the primary barriers to becoming Silicon Valley were identified to be:
- Cambridge is not in California
- No Steve Jobs
- Inability of nerds to get laid, fapping
- No Valleywag
- No Burning Man
In a $5 million followup study funded by the Massachusetts Department of Economic Development, the issues involving California and snow were found to be insurmountable. However, several other issues were found to have their root cause in an insufficient supply of hallucinogenic drugs. In particular, a study involving volunteers from MIT in Cambridge and its counterpart Stanford University in Silicon Valley found in that withholding LSD from nerds and Aspies resulted in an inability to get chicks and uncontrollable fapping to weird fetish pr0n on 4chan.
As a result, Massachusetts residents voted in 2008 by a 2:1 margin for an emergency ballot measure to partially decriminalize small quantities of Marijuana. This provides a short-term solution, but lawmakers are still discussing long-term solutions for importing a greater amount of San Francisco smug into the Boston metro area.
The MBTA or "T"
The T is Boston's local subway/train/bus transit system. Its real name is the MBTA, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. The T is a creaking old mess of obsolete and outdated subway tunnels dug by cheap Chinese labor in the 19th century. It stops running at 12:30 so that all the attendees of the local bahs can be buttraped by the local taxi drivers who charge ridiculously high fares. The T system is run by fat smelly union guys with no neck whose principal source of nourishment is Dunkin Donuts coffee.
The T features live performers, especially around rush hour and late at night. T performers are usually dirty bums playing the harmonica, the recorder, or the kazoo. Hippies with acoustic guitars singing about social injustice and dirty gutter punks drumming on upside down discarded cat litter buckets are also common.
The main T system is composed of four main light rail lines:
- The Red Line, so named because it goes to Hahvahd whose color is red. The red line is full of nerds and Yuppies and such. Actual conversation overheard on the red line: "so, I hate when people think that quantum computing somehow invalidates the question of NP completeness..."
- The Orange Line is full of black persons and smelly bums and artfags who live in Jamaica Plain.
- The Green Line, also known as the "school bus," is an ancient creaking trolley full of drunk obnoxious college students going to Brighton and Allston. Watch for bedbugs and herpes.
- The Blue Line goes to East Boston and Reveah (see neighborhood list above) and terminates at a farking dog track
The T has a unique and highly recognizable smell that is available in perfume, cologne, and air freshener form at the "I Love Boston" store at Logan International Airport.
The Terrorist Attacks of 1/31
On 1/31/2007 (never forget), a bunch of dirty hippie viral marketing morons put Lite-Brites up all over Boston depicting Ignignokt and Err, the Mooninites from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. As a result, the "T" and the main transportation arteries of Boston were shut down for an entire day.
The butthurt was so severe that the local Boston populous and mayor "Mumbles" Menino accused the Cartoon Network, the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and the New York Yankees of being FOO (Friends of Osama) operatives trying to make The Big Dig fall down even more. They then said "OMFGZ!!! WHBT by The Curse of The Bambino!!!." In their defence, it must be said that Boston's hold on existence is so tenuous and tentative that it is conceivable that one good prank might cause the whole place to vanish, or fall into the sea. One can only hope.
The Boston Marathon 2013 Attacks
Last Thursday, a load of lycra-clad Bawwstonians got pwned by terrorists at some gay marathon. Loads of people got their legs blown off and shit. Some argue however, that it shouldn't have spoiled the day - first it was a marathon, now it's a three-legged race.
This song is dedicated to all Bostonians injured in the blast.
In the aftermath of the Boston marathon attack, a lot of people were quick to make tasteless jokes, but rest assured, we at Encyclopedia Dramatica will cross that line.
The Big Dig
Boston was the site of a hugely expensive Urban Renewal project to overhaul the city's mass transit system called The Big Dig which -in part- created great lulz from time-to-time for everyone in the rest of the country when parts of it fell on people driving into the still under construction tunnels. This took place because greedy capitalists decided it would be cheaper to just glue the bolts in with epoxy than to pay a big burly, smelly union worker with no neck to twist them into nuts on the other side of the concrete slab with a wrench.
On July 10, 2006, over 9,000 tons of concrete fell from the ceiling of the Interstate 90 connector and onto a car, killing an immigrant. A massive, 900 million dollar investigation was conducted, adding to the 10 billion dollar debt of the Big Dig.
- If you hang up Light Brights all over /b/oston, you will be arrested for having WMD's.
- All people from Boston are Crab Hammering Puritanical Dickbags.
- Bostonians love local sport heroes David "Big Fati" Ortiz and Randy "Gotta Keep 'dat Bitch In Line" Moss, but would call the police or just go for the shotgun in the closet if they saw them in their neighborhood.
- Bostonians plan to hold a massive rally on the steps of Boston City Hall when Tom Brady and his boyfriend, Matt Light, are officially joined in holy matrimony by Mayor "Mumbles" Menino this summer.
- Boston (or its suburbs) is one of the rumored potential locations of Boxxy, making it a candidate for nuclear annihilation, or a Light Bright terrorist attack
- Boston is home to the "World's Only Living Abortion"
- Boston's street layout looks like a two year old scribbled for a while on a piece of paper.
- New England is so white that its glare can be seen from space
- Bostonians' idea of a bad neighborhood is a neighborhood where no Starbucks can be seen within direct line of sight
- Boston is the setting of cheezy X-Files ripoff sci-fi TV show Fringe.
- If you're tired of beating up the Vietnam fucking shits in your local neighborhood and like the idea of beating up a whole new load of them, but don't have a lot of cash to spare, you can get from Chinatown in Boston to Chinatown in New York for $10-$20 if you don't mind a bus that smells like ass and the possibility of dying in a fire.
- The band Boston derives its suckyness from the city
- The Brawl character Falco became over 9000 times more faggy and annoying by acquiring a Bawwston accent.
- Boston Marathon Bombing
- Not racist
- The Boston Fail Party
- ATHF Terrorist Attack a.k.a. 1/31/2007 (never forget)
- Mumbles Menino: The Official Web Site of the Mayor of Boston
- JP Licks, where you can find someone from JP to lick
- Boston Zombie March IV (YouTube video)
- goes wild over the Mooninite bomb scare.
- A butthurt Beanertowner reacts to a good and thorough trolling.
- The new Boston PD anti- terrorist training video designed to avoid future embarrassment like the response to the ATHF Terrorist Attacks