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    Bill Clinton

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    File:Bill Clinton the lady killer.jpg
    Bill Clinton is a red blooded American. He likes guns, burgers, and bitches. When those are threatened by any foe foreign or domestic he will take up arms to defend them.

    Bill Jefferson "B.J." Clinton (October 9, 1945, Hope, Arkansas) is the 42nd president of the United States and was the guy who didn't have sex with that woman. He served as the official Anti-Christ to all conservatives until Barack Hussein Obama stole his title and is also the current possessor of the Tri-Force, and God. His very presence forces the chorus from the song "All Right Now" by Free to be mysteriously heard by everyone in a 20-mile radius. He is widely known for his extremely lulzy acts as President and to a lesser extent as Governor of Arkansas. People who hate Clinton are generally either fags, Republicans, or Christfags (sorry for the redundancy). He and his member saved our nation. Kneel before them. And don't forget to swallow.

    Youth crimes

    Born a bastard in the decade following the Great Depression, Clinton was raised by poor sharecroppers in a one room shack. As a child, he played the sexophone at a brothel and attended Yale on a full sexophone scholarship. During his junior year, he dropped out of school and became an aging hippy liberal douche - playing jazz and associating with negroes and bosnians. Later on he cleaned up his act and went to school. His main pastime was being a sexual predator (Accused of rape at oxford 1969 and Yale 1972). There was no harm no foul since everyone knows that when a woman says no she really means yes. Willie tired of being accused of crimes and decided to take a break from raping. He longed for a way he could force himself on women, as was his right, and not be accused of silly "crimes".

    After service in the Civil Air Patrol, Clinton married Hillary Clinton (née Epstein) and returned to Arkansas. After years of being married to the frigid Hillary, Bill came down with a major case of blue balls and desperately felt the need to rape once again. The only problem was that he was a regular citizen and the feminists would never let him get away with rape. Then the idea hit him (call it divine inspiration)! He would become a politician. It was the ultimate get out of jail free card! And so, despite his large afro and his marriage to the ugliest bitch in town, Clinton was named governor of Arkansas by a Mexican in 1979.

    Epic Dope Gangsta

    Among the Negroes, Clinton also began smoking marijuana. It became a common sight to see Big Bill light up a fat one with his homies Dennis Rodman and some white 70's porn star that had a sexual fetish for trees. After blazing through 50 tons of pure Colombian hash, Bill became convinced that he was destined to be the greatest liberal president since Lyndon Baines Johnson. As he was needlessly occupied with white washing cocaine profits in the order of hundreds of millions running for president was a logical step. Klinton already had an excellent track record of having people agree with him.

    President Nixon's special narcotics enforcement agent E. Presley swoops on the Oxford lodgings of the young Rhodes Scholar and stoner W.J. Clinton


    Because of some millions worth of long forgotten loans on it Bill's business Park-O-Meter was found to be building retrofit nose cone compartments that were being shipped to Mena, the nose cones were actually being used to smuggle cocaine back into the Jewnited states of lolz.


       
     
    Bill Clinton controlled the legal system, he controlled the judges, he controlled the attorneys, he controlled the banks.
     

     
     

    —Larry Nichols, CIA assassin.

    Presidential crimes

    "I didn't impale"
       
     
    I did not have sex with that woman
     

     
     

    —Bill Clinton, and by "that woman" he meant Hillary

    File:Young Love.JPG
    Damn, Hillary was ugly. No wonder he spent more nights in the doghouse than with her.

    In 1992, Clinton defeated W's father after an election campaign marred by allegations of real estate fraud, draft evasion, and hot hillbilly-style fucking. Upon being elected, Clinton immediately set out to allow gays, lesbians, and drag queens in the military, explaining why the Iraq War eight years later got so fucked. He revitalized Washington social life with weekly stag parties in the Oval Office.

    He rarely addressed the American people. Instead, he almost daily arranged television broadcasts of late night fireside sessions where he lay on his back with his legs up, attempting to suck his own cock while fingering his ass before ejaculating all over the place. This helped boost his ratings, even in more critical periods of his two terms. When he did give speeches to the public, they were always of extraordinary importance. In Chicago on June 17, 1997, for instance, he faced a large audience of supporters with a fresh golden shower trickling down his face, which allowed him to harvest tidal waves of applause. Smiling through the piss, he uttered "Yum". He then proceeded to fuck every man, woman, and child in the audience (at least 100% participated willingly).

    Then he requested everyone piss on him, since his own piss wasn't enough. Greater applause and approval followed. To end the ceremony, he performed the traditional liberal version of communion by smoking crack and drinking Hennessy, which all the audience participated in (again, willingly).

    Clinton was also a pimp. While W. Mark Felt made a failed attempt at pwning Nixon during Watergate, Clinton was involved with a different kind of "Deep Throat". In 1995, he kidnapped one of his whores, Monica Lewinsky, and started raping her on a daily basis in his Oval Office (or should we say, "Oral Office"?). Being a nasal fetishist, he jammed cigars into her nostrils while calling her a skank from fucking hell. He also did lines on her cottage-cheesed, welted, fat-fucking, all-consuming-black-hole-of-an-ass. When Lewinsky told one of her whore friends, Kenneth Starr, he (Starr) spunked his pants and spent a gazillion tax-dollars writing an erotic essay.

    During this time he also helped Al Gore invent the internets and create global warming circa 1992.

    He had 47 people murdered in his reign as President.[1]

    In 1999, Clinton was acquitted by the Senate on two impeachment charges: Raping the prostitute and having a cock that smelled like shit. Clinton had for a long period insisted "I did not force my non-smelly prick into that whore," which of course was bullshit.

    In the year 2000, Clinton graciously agreed to step down, and his designated successor Al Gore defeated W in elections. However, due to a dispute over the $200 security deposit paid by Clinton when he had entered the White House in 1993, the Democrat victory was forfeited under Article VI of the United States Constitution and Gore was defeated. Oh, and Jeb Bush rigging the votes in Florida, so that his older brother could become dictator and fuck up America for 8 years.

    Post Presidential criminal activities

    Bill Clinton moved into an office in Harlem, NY, to keep it real with his fellow nigras. He's become a staple of the local landscape, pimping around in his post-presidential limousine, which was presented as a gift to him by Ol' Dirty Bastard of Wu Tang Clan fame. He is often sighted walking around, leading his entourage with a cane, distinctive for his pale complexion, bowler hat and fake eyelashes around one eye; he is also commonly sighted throwing dice in the alley, playing dominoes in the park, and sometimes joins the harmonica/guitar duo outside Phil's Liquor with his sexophone.

    Clinton and ODB actually had quite a friendship going and frequently would booty around Harlem in the Clintdaddilac (as the metallic gold limo which sits on 24-inch spinners is called), picking up fly girlies and cruising for some chicken wings on their way to the Apollo. Ultimately, Clinton delivered the eulogy when ODB died and poured an entire bottle of Hennessy Private Reserve for his fallen comrade, whom he said was "an true hero."

    Clinton currently spends most days at his office/condo in Harlem, which is furnished with a large circular revolving water bed, a full bar, red-painted walls, and a mirrored ceiling. His office does not contain a single condom. He employs a full-time funk band to score his exploits as he bangs the hell out of Madeleine Albright & every female who comes through the building. When not doing this, he spends the day not talking to his wife as she prepares to run for president in 2008. Clinton doesn't really care much one way or the other how the election pans out; his new desk can accommodate two whores instead of one anyway. To this day he is remembered by Democrats as an hero. He was quoted with a gay fail quote as "YAY AT LEAST I R NOT DA BILL NIE!!!!!one" Because every schoolkid knows that Nye is actually a crazy insaneiod hard humping bitch fag like he is.

    Sex Scandal 2: Electric Boogaloo

    In 2015 & 2016, more details have emerged about Bill's sexual activities. I'm pretty sure he did not have sexual relations with any of these women, and that those allegations are false. Some bitch named Kathleen Willey alleged that Clinton felt her up during a social event back in 1993, but we all know it's bullshit- or do we? Another bitch, Linda Tripp, was the one who secretly taped the president and white house and gave the evidence of his sexual activities over to the feds to get his ass impeached. Apparently the groping event was totally consensual. Told you so.

    During the 2016 Presidential Elections, The Donald has been attacking Bill over his sexual perversions and trolling the Clintons hard. Good work, Trump S-senpai~

    Flight records indicate that Clinton made 26 trips on his close friend and convicted pedo Jeffrey Epstein’s airplane dubbed "the Lolita Express". On five of those trips, ol' Slick Willy declined to have the Secret Service accompany him. Who doesn't like delicious lolis? Shame that the greedy bastard couldn't share with the Secret Service boys.

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    See Also


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    [No means no!Moar ræp plox!]

    Featured article May 4 & 5, 2017
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