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Bible Thumper

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Bible Thumpers are uber trendy Christians who love the internets, and like to show off their awesomeness. On the off chance that they are flying low under the radar, then they are a Prude, and nothing more. The prudes should be dealt with extreme care, due to their manipulative ways. If you pursue the Bible thumpin' prude, then you will most likey end up without her, because you're "Not Christian enough" for her. Originating from typically southern US fundamentalist Christian sects given to evangelizing in a very outgoing, rambunctious way, often characterized by a religious bigot standing on a street corner, with or without foam around their mouth, shouting about how we should all turn to Christ, while vigourously thumping their soft covered bible for emphasis.

Their actions usually do more harm than good to their cause and bring into disrepute and ridicule those more reticent Christians. They are the coolest people around, and everyone loves them from their charisma and bright horse toothed smiles. They cover all bases from super faith to being straight fuckin edge. If they are girls, then they all have crazy cool boyfriends that they play mancala with every Tuesday night while sipping Yoo-Hoo. These boyfriends will also most likely play in shitty wannabe, Pop-Punk bands.

We're desperate for your attention!

If they are guys, then vigorous shameful masturbation in the corner is an expected behavior. If they're really trendy then they will frequent concerts so they can keep up appearances to be down with the scene. But not too down, because that against the grain which can result in Witchcraft, Paganism as well as Al-Qaeda

The Early Years

At an early age, these Bible Thumpers learn from their parents the ways of the cloth. Despite modest attempts of the parents to offer a morally sound life for their children, their attempts are futile. The children will soon realize that just like Mel Gibson, they too are chosen by the divine. The first reported case of Bible Thumpery is the case of Jimmy the condescending diabetic.

Hey there Brian. I know you're about to enjoy your lunchables and your dunkaroos, but according to the Bible, you had better share them with everyone or God will smite thee..


— April 20th 1991 Jimmy Age 4- the condescending diabetic.

Middle School

These pretentious little assholes are now old enough to talk mad ish, but not old enough to gore with a spork (yet..). They now can misquote any Bible verse on command. Their soundbyte anecdotes are reminiscent of Fox News but minus the comedy. They will most likely spark an argument with their science teacher at this age about evolution. The little bastards will momentarily use this crutch in hopes of being able to skip out an a lesson. Their facts will consist of the following.

Oprah's reading club!
  • Mom said I don't have to listen to this
  • I am perfection
  • Earth is perfection
  • Lizards are weird any ways
  • Dinosaurs were the work of Satan
  • Osama is Satan
  • I can go now right?

High School

These now almost fully functional members of society have now mastered the soapbox, and like a challenge. They will now frequent the courtyards, cafeterias and halls of their high schools. They will stop any and everyone to inform them that they are going to Hell unless they repent. This misguided message is only more misunderstood by their dumbfounded peers as they look on in amazement. Hopefully, a sharp witted onlooker will comment on the thumpers' overzealous, condescending attitude towards others. Of course happening during a public beating.

This is also the time in which the Great Awakening occurs. If some people have been living a life of shame and disgust, now is their chance for repentance. It will be swift, painful for others, and just plain embarrassing. One day, the person in question, will awake as a new person, never to turn back. They will from that point on join the legions of Bible thumpery and become just as cool as the other select few. Common behaviors of the newly founded Bible thumpers are..

  • Suddenly become super Christians
  • Act as if they don't know what you're talking about when you ask them what happened
  • Will most likely flood your news feed with unnecessary Bible versus
  • Show interest in new, trendy things such as music or photography
  • Will now increase photo postage on social networks by 600%

The Later Years

The Wonder Years

Nothing here, just a damn good show. IMDB that shit: The Wonder Years.

Bible Thumper
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