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    Beastie Boys

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    File:Beastie Boys at Play.jpg
    The Beastie Boys at play.

    Prolly not to be confused with Bestiality Boy. Then again...

    Three rich NYC wigger trolls who made history in the mid 80's, beating Vanilla Ice to the fag-slap in pulling an Al Jolson on blacks by snaking their culture and taking it all the way to the bank via the multi-million selling frat boy party/comedy album "Licensed To Ill".

    Most people who listen to top 40 music would disagree with the fact that they suck, but remember, sheep aren't actual people and should be burned to ash.

    The Beastie Boys: IRL Trolls

    Known as much for their hilarious hijinx and juvenile behavior on and off stage, they were nonetheless A+ IRL Trolls who conned all their fanboys and the entire media into believing things like: that they had drilled a hole in a hotel floor to the room below to pass stuff back and forth to each other. Nobody ever called them out on this stuff because it is entirely plausible that a bunch of heavy construction equipment being lugged into a high-class hotel and hours of noise drilling a hole would go unnoticed. Their early trolling behavior is evident in the 1987 home video Licensed To Ill, which the band has tried to keep out of print but could not stop being released on teh internets.

    So cool

    Typical fan, also typical retarded music that seems so inspiring to teens.

    They also had a 21' hydraulic pen0r built as a stage prop which remained hidden in an equipment case until the final song of the night -"Fight For Your Right To Party"- at which point it would rise to a boner of epic proportions. This along with a caged stripper and copious amounts of cursing, crotch-grabbing and flying beer was lulz of the highest order.

    But one man's lulz are another man's butthurt and the concerned citizens of many US cities worked hard to have the Beastie Boys banned based on media reports and reviews of their shows and crazy after-partying. In fact, after reports of a night of booze and Whippet fueled 'car tipping' in Zurich (and the subsequent permaban from Switzerland) followed by news of them trolling a retarded kid at the airport, they were issued a lifetime ban from the UK.

    After lengthy negotiations the UK ban was lifted so the Beastie Boys could continue trolling Europe, most notably by starting a riot amongst rival Liverpool football hooligans in the middle of a show. The theatre was trashed by drunken Scouse Gits and many were IRL hurt as the crowd threw half full cans of beer and seats at each other to and from the balcony.

    By the time the cops arrived, the Beastie Boys had scarpered off to London to avoid being pwnt for the troll but the cops had the last laugh when they called their pals in London's Old Bill to detain one of the three for standing on the stage and using a baseball bat to hit beer cans back into people's faces.

    After The Party Ended

    However, they ultimately made only at least 100 bucks because their Uncle Tom manager, Russell "Colonel (Uncle) Tom Parker" Simmons, ripped them off after spending all their ill-gotten gains on crack. This was only a taste of the irony-fest to come.

    Penniless and crying, they moved to helLA to sell their lily white asses on Santa Monica Bvd. as pre-op transsexual rent boys. It was here that they met Crapitol Records executive John Fagot and druggy producer/Axl Rose wannabe Matt Dike and ended up making a bizarre, drug-addled concept album ("Paul's Boutique"), lyrically inspired by "TV Guide".

    Little is known about the Beastie Girls' periods after this album tanked, though the bleeding was plentiful. When they reappeared hanging off the (hello) Dalai Lama's nutsack in the mid '90s, they appear to have had the enormous cocks of the Giant Tibetan Ghey Yak wedged firmly up they asses and sutured shut by Mr. Lama himself.

    Born Again

    At this point they embarked upon the whining bitch|"What the fuck is that shit?" stage of their careers, recording an infinite collection of self-indulgent, 'spiritual' crap including traditional, Tibetan throat-music "come-hither" ballads to get in underage Asian girls' pants and further fuck up the teeny minds of their fans.

    Despite their early albums featuring such lol(i) lyrics as:

    If I was a guitarist I'd be Jimmy Page, the girlies I like are underage!


    —[Mike D, "The New Style" from "License to Ill"]

    ...their later material found them moving away to topics such as buddhism and respecting women.

    They dedicated this work to Mr. Lama's balls in a lame attempt to atone for all the rhyming, stealing, statutory raping, and trashing of dressing rooms/hotels on the "License To Ill Tour". However, Mr. Lama dismissed the newly named "Yeasty Girls"—and music in general—as being "unimportant", and because His Holiness the Dalai Lama is a Buddhist and as such, does everything for the lulz.

    This was a textbook case of Textbook Irony, however—unlike any credibility they ever had—they weren't over and went on to make irony history when—in a last ditch attempt to jock the Dalai Lama—they publicly disowned their pre-penis-in-ass recorded history. The irony? Perfect Storm Irony, where all forms of irony collide and cause Delayed Reaction Irony.

    See, the original title of "License To Ill" was "Don't Be A Faggot" but The Man—ironically a Jewish The Man—at DefJam Records wouldn't let them use it.

    So not only is/was it ironic that they were tres ghey for fagging out at the time, they are/were "The Winningest Faggots Ever", for disowning "Don't Be A Faggot" aka "License To Ill".


    Today, the Beastie Girls are actually three, way over 50-year-old, postmenopausal FemiNazis who imagine they're still boys performing PG13 rated raps for Tibet—and pussies—in deh "Old School 4 Da Old Fools" cabaret at "Russel Simmons Def Illegal Crap Game" in Vegas.

    Typical Fan—30-something tosspots convinced that liking this band means they're "down with the kids" ... or Spike Jonze.

    • On May 4, 2012, Adam Yauch (aka M.C.A.) died aged 47 from cancer. Lol.

    See also

    External Links

    Portal music.png

    Beastie Boys is part of a series on


    Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.

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    Beastie Boys is part of a series on


    Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.