Barry Bonds

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"Sometimes I surprise my own damn self."


—Barry talking about Barry.

The Dark Days

Barry breaking "The Record".
Baseball in 1985, the year before Barry was drafted.

Following the strike of 1994, American Baseball was in a slump of epic proportions. The league of spoiled fetish-gear wearing millionaires and pissed off fans by refusing to play the last couple of months of the 1994 season, canceling the World Series and creating much lulz towards pissed off baseball fans screaming "NEVER AGAIN". As if the game could be any worse, a player’s strike in 1994 forced the sport to shut down and there was no world series that year. To save the game, the league had to turn to the home run and Mark McGuire, a ginger with a silly looking goatee that used steroids, to break the season home run record to make people love baseball again. And he did. Baseball attendance went back up and everything was happy in baseballvile until an obnoxious, self-absorbed black man had to ruin everything for everyone.

Enter Barry Bonds.


Prior to Barry Bonds being in the Major Leagues, bobble head dolls were not popular.

I never stop looking for things to try and make myself better.


—Barry Bonds, quoted while standing outside of the BALCO complex in San Francisco.

Barry Bonds was a self-righteous asshole jock who made his career toiling being confused with Bobby Bonilla and calling his white teammates "soul-stealing crackers" that he wanted to gun down in a blaze of black-on-white violence. No one had ever taught Barry the subtle art of being a lulzy pro-jock; where all sins can be forgiven so long as you win the big game and pretend to be an affable, likable rogue. No, Barry was a class-a jerk who's hatred of whitey came to a head when Mark McGuire became the poster child for Major League Baseball. Confiding in Ken Griffy Jr., Barry announced in 1998 that he would not only start taking steroids and would steal McGuire's home run record from him, but that he would steal Hank Aaron's home run record from him too. And if it meant becoming a huge steroid junkie who's existence would ruin the "don't ask, don't tell" gentlemen's agreement between the players union and Major League Baseball, exposing everyone's steroids usage and ruin lives and careers? So be it.

From his team's home of San Francisco, Barry made some new friends. These friends were BALCO, the steroids producing nerds who were supplying all of the top baseball players with their steroid fix.


BALCO - Shopping mall to the stars.
Mark McGwire, taking pain medication for an injury acquired at his home.

Lets be real, Steroids are the best thing to happen to baseball.


—Every owner of every MLB team.

BALCO quickly became Barry’s best friend, and together, gave Barry Bonds the steroid-fueled strength that he needed to steal the home run crown from both McGuire and Hank Aaron. But Bonds wasn't the only one, as many many other baseball players wanted to be BALCO’s friend, and over 104 people showed up at BALCO’s house to hang out with this very popular institution in order to score free drugs. These include closet homosexual and facial hair enthuseist Jason Giambi and Roger Clemmens, who ironically was a pitcher and not a hitter (though like Bonds, was a complete and utter asshole).

It was with the unholy union of Bonds and Clemmens that the whole scam started to fall apart: people were willing to turn a blind eye when it was nice and happy go-lucky jocks doing steroids. But when the asshole jocks started taking steroids, then everyone started to speak up and pretty much started wailing and ranting about how steroids were ruining the game of baseball. Many started to proclaim that game of baseball was now tarnished due to the influx of steroid uses. Barry Bonds, who's history of assholery had previously included refusing a group of orphans entrance to a game, was now beating up children and threatening to rape fellow teammates (one of which, Jeff Kent, ended up leaving the Giants because of fear of STDs Bonds might have picked up while shooting up). Even fellow black players, started wishing Barry would just drop dead and not break Hank Aaron's home run record.

Everyone in society should be a role model, not only for their own self-respect, but for respect from others.


—Barry Bonds in 1997, inbetween beating up bat boys for bringing him a glass of ice tea without a slice of lemon in it.

The Record

With a single swing of his bat, Barry invented baseball.
If you can hit a rock with a stick better than anybody else, you can hit ass like this for free.

Sorry, I have to go play Battletoads and can't watch you break the home run record...


—Bud Selig – Commissioner of Major League Baseball on why he didn't want to attend Barry's game when he broke the home run record.

Because Hank Aaron was a goody-two-shoes jock, many people were horrified when Barry Bonds broke the all-time home run record. When he did so, the ball hit Aaron and nearly killed the beloved baseball great and resulted in the beginning of the apocalypse. As the water outside San Francisco turned to blood and lightning executed those in the bleachers as Barry laughed a demonic laughter and revealed himself to be the FINAL BOSS OF THE BASEBALL.


I hope they hang him. Stupid home run hitters always took the best baseball groupies from us pitchers...


—Gregg Maddux commenting on how the legal system should treat Barry Bonds.

BALCO dropped dox on Barry when the party van can looking to bust BALCO. So now Barry is being butthurt, as he is now waiting for the feds to charge him and yes they will. It's already ruined his career, as no team will sign him to a contract because they know that any day now, the police will arrest Barry's 'roided up ass and take him to jail. Even if they only charge him with perjury, Barry's career will be ruined.

Press Reaction

Some Faggot bought the record baseball and branded it with an asterisk.
Sometimes he says things before he thinks. That's why I'm remind him other people have feelings, too.


— Hall of Famer Willie Mays -- a real athlete

Since the Press is made up of old farts, they are the obvious experts on everything. Most notably, how to cover their asses. Since they turned a blind eye towards early steroid use in the game, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemmens both are now going to burn. It helps that both men are utterly humorless dicks who are just asking to be trolled and have their dirty laundry dragged out for the whole world to see. If they had been lovable scamps like Mark McGuire or sad and pathetic closet cases like Jason Giambi, or even self-deprecating lulzers like Jose Canseco, they could have gotten away with it.

The press has several questions for Barry Bonds, which he refuses to answer. This is because they are not asking the right questions.

Here are some of the questions they are not asking Barry:

  • Why is baseball more popular now than ever before, yet you are more hated that any other player save Roger Clemmens?
  • How much scotch, hot dogs, and beer could Babe Ruth consume prior to taking the baseball diamond?
  • Was Roger Maris on amphetamines?
  • Was Hank Aaron a robot?
  • Prior to breaking the home run record, why wasn’t permission sought from the press?
  • How do you feel about asterisks?

Other Sports

I just wanted to tell everyone at Christensen Arms thanks for building such a great rifle. Keep up the great work and God bless.


—Barry Bonds…keeping it real.

Because of public opinion and the smear campaign brought upon him by the press, Barry no longer has big-shot friends like Gatorade, Nike, BALCO, McDonald’s, or the San Francisco Giants. He has had to find friends elsewhere in the form of the Christensen Arms Company.

Of course, there is a video of Barry shooting Bambi located at / This Link. He actually sounds like he knows what he is doing, could it be possible that a man of such talent could enjoy yet another sport?

It doesn’t matter, the press, still butthurt, accused Barry of using steroids while hunting:

Bonds Now Blasting Deer Instead of Baseballs.


—The press, so low, will sift through every last bit of garbage that Barry tosses out.

So free agent Barry Bonds is hawking rifles for Christensen Arms. Leave it to Bonds, Major League Baseball's career home run king (and all-time public relations nightmare), to handpick one of the most controversial endorsement deals conceivable.


—Sports Illustrated: If commenting on steroids isn’t enough, insult his intelligence.

The author of this story likes boys and the only thing he has ever racked is another man's ****. You misinformed media types make me laugh, so out of touch, yet preaching to us about what we should think. Never bring a pen to a gun fight. Good luck Barry and drop one for me.


—Diggler posting on Sports Illustrated Fan Nation

I know, have Barry wear brown clothes with some white back pockets with a brown hat with ears, and have him run through the woods, I bet rifle sales would pick up dramatically!


User Hardball, also posting on the Sports Illustrated boards. He means SRS BSNS because it is obvious he plays HARD BALL.


Just like everything else that touches Barry Bonds, the mere mention of his name on the internet causes a massive groundswell of animosity. There are, however, others who defend Barry.


Barry Breaking the homerun record was a very polarizing moment. Polarizing in the fact that everybody threw Barry under the bus and didn’t think twice about doing it. Here we find a butthurt JewTuber crying about something he will never know or experience:

Former Homerun King Hank Aaron doesn’t seem to mind, but the first comment below Hank’s video says something else:

Hank Aaron (Our Baseball Hero) still has the Major League Baseball's All-Time Greatest Home-Run Record. Hank, You will NEVER lose your record to Cheating Steroid-pumping Fake Athlete Actors. Hank Aaron is a TRUE Class Act, they don't make Genuine Truly-Talented Good-Hearted Athletes like Hank Aaron anymore. You will always be one of the greatest sports heroes of all time and you will ALWAYS have our utmost admiration and respect, I hope that more athletes like you will show up in US sports soon.


—User Halcyon083 on JewTube.

Just another negative question. Take a close look at Barry’s face…he wants to snap this guy in half like a twig.

Yet another JewTuber has an EXPERT opinion:

We already know he took them lol. He tested positive for them. Y the fuck u think hes in court. Because he lied under oath and said i didnt know i was taking steroids i thought they were something else. But i have to admit that he was a hall of fame player before he took them. But by no means should he have the 762 home runs.


—User Besteck1 on JewTube.

Bros B4 Hoes!!!

This next JewTuber probably knows more about baseball than anybody else on the internet:

We Pakistanis don't care who you guys choose,Hillary,Obama or whoever,none of our business,nor is it ur business with who we sign treaty with Waziristani Tribes or whosoever,we don't like this threatening business,threaten Cuba,Chavez or Iran,we Pakis r totally different people&God knows what hell v would do this planet or at least half of it


—JewTuber kurupee

Finally, a REAL expert weighs in on the subject of Barry Bonds, and has nothing but glowing comments about him.

Studying Barry is like studying Picasso.


—A-roid, in the video and another future baseball Hall of Famer

However, whenever somebody says something nice, there is bound to be fifty idiots who want to shit on the parade, also this retard sounds like he is from left-field:

Yankees are damning themselves for decades by supporting A-Roid. Let me get this straight. Obama goes to the middle east and gives speeches to Arab nations but never once mentions the 1,350 Palestinians who had just been murdered by Israeli jews in Gaza but he speaks out on A-Roid? Obama is just more of the same. If A-Roid has been taking 'roids since HS where did he get the money to pay for them?


—JewTube user WithHoldment. Not only is he an expert on the middle east, he is an expert on baseball.

The Future

I don't see what the big deal is...everybody in every other professional sport is roiding like an ape!


—Jose Canseco, self proclaimed expert on everything.

The future of Barry Bonds is very up in the air and nobody knows where he will land. His perjury and obstruction of justice charges will keep him from returning to the game that hates him. So Barry now has to keep his mouth shut, or lose his home run crown, his Hall of Fame chances, and his ass out of jail.

See Also

External Links

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Featured article April 7, 2009
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