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    Barney and Friends

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    SocialSecuritySeal.PNG This article is paid for by taxpayers like you.
    Thanks, America.

    Barney & Friends is a television show that has a talking dinosaur teach children about the wonders of love and caring for each other. In the 1990s, no other children's television show on public television was as hated and reviled as Barney. In fact, if you wanted to torture someone to madness and beyond, you would sing "I LOVE YOU" nonstop until they become an hero. As a result, Barney became the go-to thing to make fun of for kids trying to prove to bullies that they were more mature than others. Because nothing says maturity like obsessing over a character intended for preschoolers, right? Just kidding, even adults can't stand this piece of shit.

    It's worth mentioning that while the original 1992 Barney & Friends ceased production of new episodes in September 2009, a revival is set to launch in 2017.


    Behind the set of Barney & Friends.
    • BJ – BJ is a dinosaur that wears shoes and a cap. He thinks he's badass, but he's just a pussy that is easily scared by paper spiders and the lack of pickles on his sandwich.
    • Baby Bop – Baby Bop is BJ's sister that wears a bow on her huge head. She wishes to be a ballerina someday, but who is going to allow an extinct species to dance on Broadway? Also she carries a blanket around with her, doing the Linus Van Pelt approach of not giving up a sheet of fabric.
    • Riff – Riff is BJ's and Baby Bop's cousin that is added to the cast to make the show seem more relevant. He is an audiophile, giving him a fetish for the quality of music around him. He also likes to invent shit, but they are low quality and will break at the slightest touch.

    Lack of educational value

    [H]is shows do not assist children in learning to deal with negative feelings and emotions. As one commentator puts it, the real danger from Barney is denial: the refusal to recognize the existence of unpleasant realities. For along with his steady diet of giggles and unconditional love, Barney offers our children an one-dimensional world where everyone must be happy and everything must be resolved right away.


    —Some old ass professor at a university.

    It is now known that the true purpose of Barney was to produce brain-dead morons who couldn't think for themselves and become spineless pussies. Many commented that the show lacked any educational value or substantive, positive content which only adds the criticism to poor old Barney. Not to mention, it's probably never a genuinely good idea to plop a child whose age is 1-3 in front of the TV set.

    Barney in the world of pop culture

    It is safe to say that Barney is one of the most hated characters on TV, and Barney & Friends was once ranked #50 on TV Guide's 50 Worst Shows of All Time list. If a show is added to a list compiled by a magazine whose only job is to give you the time at which a show airs, and even then only gets that correct about half of the time, that's very deep shit.

    Songs were conceived calling for his death, comics were drawn showing him dying horribly, Animaniacs mocked him as a cosmic horror known as "Baloney", and one mascot made up an entire act by beating up another loser in a Barney suit.

    The Internet responded naturally to the purple dildo monster by spawning the Usenet newsgroup "alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die", which was geared to the satirization, defamation and denouncement of Barney in any and all forms, even spawning a "roleplay" world in which members of the group would take on paramilitary personae, equipping themselves with such hardware as "Anti-Barney MechWarrior Units" and other assorted battle gear to defeat the rising tide of "Barneyism". It was known as the "Jihad to Destroy Barney" until an irrational fear of Muslims set in after 9/11.

    Here is a little ditty created by the wonderful users of Usenet.

    • "I love you, you love me, let's hang Barney from a tree.."
    • "I love you, you love me, ho-mo-se-xu-al-i-ty..."
    • "I love you, you love me, pe-do-phile, dontcha see?"
    • and "A great big slug, for me to send you too, won't you say I HATE YOU TOO?"

    Barney torture

    Barney is very infamous for having mediocre songs that make people shove pencils in their ear canals.

    This song is also one of the six songs used for torturing terrorists. That's right taxpayers, the government repeatedly plays this song to sand niggers in order to get them to beg for mercy. The good folks over at Guantanamo Bay like to use it as an interrogation technique, or maybe they just like to fuck with those camel fuckers. Whatever the case, they apparently played it so much that it has gained the title of "the most overused song in the U.S. interrogator’s arsenal."


    Barney ain't messin' with bitches.
    Never let the water run for Barney.
    Oh, the horror!
    Play this song for ten hours or more to feel how the sand niggers feel.


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    See also

    External links

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