Anna Chapman

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A spie, perhaps, but also a princess

Anna Chæpman (powerword Anya Kushchenko/Анна Кущенко) a.k.a. mai spyfu is the pseudonym of an unusually cute Russian chick who was busted in June 2010 for being a member of a notorious steganography gang whose avowed goal was to infiltrate the US Government and turn America into a worker's paradise.

Cover story unravels

Anna's rugged good looks, extensive online presence and a glamorous story about owning millions of rubles worth of real estate has made her the most interesting and dramatic person in the case.

Anna's CV on Linked In claims that she worked in Britain for four years including a stint as a slave for Barclay's Bank. Only one of her employers, the private plane hire firm NetJets Europe, confirmed that she worked in the UK, but not for as long as the CV claimed, or at such a senior level. "Ms Chapman was employed by NetJets Europe from May to July 2004, as an executive assistant in the sales department," a spokesman said. Nevertheless, her CV claims that she worked for a year at NetJets and was "primarily involved in selling private jets to companies and individuals in Russia."

Barclays Bank was sceptical that Anna had worked at the bank for a year, as she claimed. "We don't have any record of her working here," a spokeswoman said. However, a prestigious financial institution like Barclays is unlikely to admit employing a sex slave.


A beauty, but the metallic animal print dress is a dead give-away that she's a Russian

In more than 90 photos posted on Facebook, Anna is pictured in various sleazy countries, including Turkey, where she is sprawled out naked on the sofa in the luxurious Hotel Mata Hari in Istanbul.

There is also a photo of her posing with a glass of wine between two men at an expensive Technology Symposium for rich yuppies in California.

The official story

The US Government complaint against Anna accuses her of having regular encounters with a Russian official, to whom she would transmit and receive information using the wi-fi network inside various Starbucks in New York City.

During the rendezvous, Anna would take a laptop computer from her purse. At some point while she was sitting there, the Russian official, whom authorities say had been seen entering the Russian restroom outside the UN many times, would appear somewhere nearby -- in a passing minivan at one point, across the street with a briefcase at another point.

On April 7, 2010, FBI agents saw the Russian official leave his midtown Manhattan office. He soon returned, which made the agents guess that he had spotted them. On that day, they also guessed that Anna was probably trying to contact the Russian official.

Rich communist bitch tells all before geting caught

Harassing the poor girl

On Saturday morning, an undercover FBI agent posing as a Russian consulate employee called Anna and, speaking in Russian, told her an urgent meeting was necessary. At 4:30 p.m. the two met in a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan. The undercover agent was wearing a hidden recording device.

The agent asked, "Tell me how is everything? How are you doing?"

Anna replied, "Everything is cool apart from connection." The FBI guessed that meant the connection between her laptop and the Russian official's laptop. She then said, "I just need to get some more information about you before I can talk."

The agent replied, "I work in the same department as you, but I work here in the consulate. Okay. My name is Roman. My name is Roman, I work in the consulate."

With Anna seemingly convinced, the agent went on to tell her they needed her to carry out an unusual assignment the following day: deliver a fake passport to another Russian agent.

"Are you ready for this step?" the agent asked.

"Shit, of course," Chapman replied.

Spy vs. Spy

The undercover agent then told her to meet a woman at 11 a.m. the next morning and to carry a People magazine in her hand so the other agent would know who she was. The woman would say to her, "Excuse me, but haven't we met in California last summer?" and Anna was to reply, "No, I think it was the Hamptons."

She was then to give the woman the fake passport and return to the coffee shop where she and the agent were meeting; there, she would place a postage stamp on a street map outside the shop, so the agent would know everything went as planned.

Anna then asked if the agent was sure nobody was watching them.

Shit goes down

That evening the FBI saw her go into a snack shop in Brooklyn, then a cell-phone store and another snack shop and then back into the cell-phone store. When she left the second time, she tossed a plastic bag into the garbage. Inside the bag was a customer agreement for a cell phone registered to "Irine Kutsov" of "99 Fake Street."

When Anna didn't show up to the 11 a.m. meeting the next day, June 27, the FBI assumed she was on to them, endangering their decade-long investigation. They panicked, and seizing the opportunity on Sunday evening when Anna herself came to the police to tell them that the passport had been forced upon her, they arrested her.

What does all this mean?

It doesn't mean anything. The US Government's case against Anna is exceedingly flimsy, mostly due to her being an incompetent spy. They did not catch her in any crimes: She didn't do anything illegal. Also, everyone makes shit up on their CVs. Who cares. Anna's only crimes are being a bit too chatty with strangers, and being a floozy.

Early days

So who is the real Anna Chapman? Is she a spy? Of course she is a spy: but only in the house of love. The real Anna Chapman is the daughter of a diplomat, Russia's ambassador to Kenya. One friend remembered, "Even if you suppose she had become an intelligence agent, she would never have allowed herself to fail in this way. She was such a clever girl."

Another classmate, Tatyana Shumilina, recalled her as a "party animal" who introduced the other teenage girls to "decent music" including Metallica and Nirvana. She was usually dressed in ripped jeans, black T-shirts and had a punk style. "She was an excellent student. The boys liked her. You only had to see her once to realise she was very pretty. As she got older she got even prettier. She made no effort to hide her diplomatic connections – everyone knew her father was an ambassador in Africa."

Internets entrepreneur

After school Anna moved to Moscow, and studied at the People's Friendship University of Russia, one of the top Soviet schools. After graduating in 2004 she set up her own online real estate business.

She moved to Britain for a while, returning to Russia from time to time. "I don't know about her personal life," said Dmitry Porochkin, who met Anna at a function of Moscow's young entrepreneurs' club. By this point she had dumped her Russian surname and was using the name Chapman, he said. "She was an extremely talented businesswoman who specialised in start-ups," he said. "She was a genuine entrepreneur. She showed no interest in politics, though I must say she was pretty good at steganography. How she ended up in a US prison is a mystery."

Anna's online real estate business is currently still up and running. The site offers a property search in 90 different regions of Russia.

Anna had intended to launch a similar online version in New York.

Low-lifes at large

Predictably, everyone that Anna ever fucked, as well as those who are just telling lies, have come crawling out of the woodwork to bask in their 15 minutes of glory. One of these slimeballs, Charlie Hutchinson, 31, said after seeing Anna's picture in the newspaper: "While we had sex she was moaning in Russian. It lasted for 2½ hours and was so sexy. She was incredible."

"When we got into my room she began doing a striptease while I sat on the bed. She has a stunning figure - and had no underwear on. She really knew what she was doing."

The bespectacled law student told how the temptress was on a night out in Southampton when she jumped into his cab as he headed back to the university.

A week later they hooked up again: "She was wild in bed - a 14 out of ten. She knows positions I had never imagined."

But he was amazed to see she carried FIVE mobile phones. Charlie said: "On our first night she got a text message and went to check it. She pulled out five mobiles and didn't know what phone it was sent to."

Anna then dumped him by repeatedly hanging up when he phoned, then changing all five of her numbers.

Spy Game Over

On July 9, 2010 the glamour queen’s thrilled to be getting out of jail, joining her hot mother back in Russia, where she maybe will pose for russian Playboy. Chapman’s fails working as a spy, but luzly enough she become an international celebrity, thanks to her attractive looks, her partying and the sex pics that have made their way onto the internetz after being released by her ex-pimp anonymous.

Spy was So cash

Hey Amercunts,

My name is Anna, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid spy movies. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any russian KGB pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to my pictures on facebook.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much intellective. I´m daughter of an ex-KGB agent, and starter on my own company. What things do you do, other than "jack off to naked pics of Agent Aika"? I also get straight A's, and carted back to my home after years of living phony American existences in an elaborate intelligence gathering operation landed in Moscow (They just loved me; Spy was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Spasibo for listening.

Pic Related: It's me, the sexy russian spy

See also

Moar! raw meat.

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Featured article July 5, 2010
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The Jewnited States of Americunts
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Rox-Yin & Kira