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>go to England on vacation with some friends >we have to meet at the hotel at 9pm >it starts to get dark out >got to check my watch >I forgot it >decide to go ask someone >find someone to ask >ARE YOU WIMBLY FOURS MATE!? IM CRIMBO NINAN SIX APPLE SMIBBLY DIN BIBBLY CHAP >have no idea what he just said, ask him to repeat >YOU WOT M8? >he starts to laugh maniacally >Big Ben rings out >everyone stops in the freaking street >a carriage with the initials HRH rides down the street >the freaking queen herself sticks her head out >OI YOU GITS DID YE HEAR THAT!? IT BE 6 BONG >driver pokes his head out >6 BONGERS!? >another man leaps out of the sewer >6 FECKING BONGERS!? >people start pouring out in the street >YA WANKERS IT BE CRIMBO SIX-A-BONG >store clerks and chimey sweeps chanting SIX A-BONG SIX A-BONG >we try to get away, the filth is choking me >SIX A-BONG SIX A-BONG OLLY JOLLY ITS SIX A-BONG >the lyrics drown everyone out, can't avoid dancers >BANG UP THE KNACKERS AND SMACK YER MUM- >OLL IN THE STREETS ITS SIX A-BONG >fish and chips being thrown into the air en masse at this point >someone pulls out a Britsh flag and starts waving it while singing God Save the Queen >several men are being beaten to death with cricket bats >a 1950s style police box materialises out of thin air and a man with a long scarf gets out >our freaking faces
>Be American >Vacation in England >At a cafe, looking for food that isn't chicken masala or tea >Queen of England rolls up in a horse and buggy >on the wrong side of the road >OI YOU LOT WUSSAT TOYME? >stand there helplessly confused >wax sculpture of the terminator emerges from the other street >royal band appears behind the queen >assaults the wax Terminator >meanwhile Queen is shaving her legs outside of her buggy >OI YOU LOT BLOODY IDJOTS WOT BONG N THE CLOCK IS IT >people start panicking because big ben hasn't gone off yet >I look at my watch >it's 6 PM >"Hey, it's six pm" >SIX PIMS? THE FAK IS A PIM YOU ROLLY JOCKINGWIGGLE >he pulls out a gun >It has a watch on it >OI YOU LOT IS 6 BONG >big ben rings >a loud voice comes on the speakers everywhere >IT'S 6 BONG YOU LOT 6 BONG >buses of people go by screaming "6 BONG" >mfw
>go to London, England for a business trip >go to a rental car kiosk to rent a car >"hello, I'd like to rent a car" >"OI WOT DID U SAY" >"I'd like to rent a car please" >"A CAR? YOU MUST MEAN AN AUTOMATED ROLLINGHAM" >"yeah sure" >he gives me the keys to a car >get to the car >it has two brake pedals and one doesn't even work >can't understand how to get it moving >go to return the car >the guy refuses and says some gibberish on how it's supposed to be like that >decide to take the bus instead >get to my hotel, there is a bar across the street and my room isn't ready yet so I decide to stop there and see if I can catch up on the broncos game >take a seat, everybody is watching some guy playing some wierd golf/baseball hybrid >bartender yells "OI M8 WOT WILL IT BE" >"a beer" >"A WOT NOW?" >"a beer" >"A WOT?" >point to a guy across the bar holding a beer >"what he's having" >"OH YOU MEAN A FIZZLY WIZZLY WOBBLY POP" >"yeah that's what I meant" >he pours me a beer >it's warm >tell the bartender it's warm >"IZ DERE A PROBLEM WIT THAT M8" >everybody is staring at me >"n-no" >go back to drinking my beer >ask the bartender if he could put the football game on >"OH YEA THE MANCHESTER UNITED GAME IS ON" >he turns a soccer game on >decide I have had enough of this backwards place >finish my beer >give it the applause it deserves >everybody stares at me >the room is dead silent >slowly back out of the bar and run to my hotel room
>go to england >head to restaurant for food >watch is set to timezone of hometown >ask someone what time it is >TOYME? WOTS THAT? >notice he doesn't have a watch on >no one in england has a watch >big ben starts to chime >everyone stops what they're doing to count the bongs on their fingers >man crashes his car trying to count the bongs >waitress drops my order on the floor to count her fingers >man running down the street: OI IT'S 7 BONG >mfw
>Be American >Go to Europe on holiday >Picking up bags at the baggage claim >As the bags are coming round people are clapping >Ask someone what is going on >"Oh it's just what they do here" >Confused but leave Airport >Trying to hail a taxi but not working >People are just clapping in the street >Taxis racing to get to the people who are clapping >Lift my hands up ready to clap >Everyone stops what they're doing >Looking at my hands with tentative eyes >I close them together and make a clap >Suddenly everyone around me is clapping and applauding my clap >Taxi races directly at me >I hop in >Ask to get to my destination >Notice the fare is only going up in cents >Get to destination >Start paying the guy in cents >He yells at me >"SIR WHAT DO YOU THINK YOURE DOING?!" >I tell him I'm paying him >"LISTEN JOHNNY FOREIGNER WE ONLY TAKE CLAPS ROUND HERE SO YOU BETTER PAY UP OR ILL HAVE TO CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES" >Grudgingly clap 350 times >Notice the taxi drivers face slowly lighting up as each clap is delivered >He's consciously waiting the next one as if he forgot the last one
>go to London >watch a movie >it ends >complete silence >I start to clap >entire theater stares at me >Muslim sharia cleric bursts in >I am sentenced to death for triggering >Get beheaded >As my consciousness fades I see the crowd waving jazz hands in approval Such is life in the caliphate
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