2024 Eclipse

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On 08 April 2024, a giant Dragon will swoop down from the heavens above to eat the giant fiery hydrogen death ball of infinite cancer. If you follow the much cooler Norse Mythology version, Fenrir Wolf will eat the Sun and quickly shit it out after getting his ass kicked by the Asgardian badass Tyr. Unfortunately, if you're a kowtowing rug jockey your religion won't allow you to go outside and watch this marvel of astronomy with your naked eyes, like you should. Most likely, your Mullah will put out an order and demand that everyone come to the mosque, dressed in their best suicide vest and pray from when the eclipse starts until the giant monster above becomes frightened by your prayers and spits the sun out of his mouth, failing to eat it. We wish we were joking.

If you missed out on this one because you were in jail, chained to a radiator, couldn't get out of work, or your mom was afraid of giant moon rabbits invading Earth, there will be another one on 12 August 2045.

Why This Eclipse Is So Important

The end is near. If you have a gun shoot into the sky at a 45 degree angle to protect yourself
If you're a Muslim and were to look outside your mosque, this is what you'd see. Don't believe us? Observe the eclipse for 5 or 6 minutes with your unprotected eyes and you'll see we were not lying

This is the second eclipse to occur over the Continental United States in 106 years. What this means is that Scientists won't have to go trampling off to some shithole Third-World-country full of terrorists and risk getting their head chopped off by some crazed ass sand eater for Just Because reasons. Also, as 75% of the world is covered in water, obviously, most solar eclipses happen over water making them hard to observe because astronomers either have to be on a ship that will be in that location or be on a plane following it.

Having this eclipse happen over most of the Eastern Mississippi region of United States is a godsend in itself, for the obvious reason that is is happening in a civilized part of the world. Scientists won’t have to go to some lifeless desert that the towel heads and camel fuckers are fighting over that week but because it is happening over The U. S. Fucking A. Since the US is full of college towns, both community “colleges” and respectable universities, there will be a large number of Astronomers recording and collecting data on this eclipse. Except for the slight chance of a Deliverance style surprise anal sexing in the Southern half of the US like Texas and Oklahoma, most scientists should be safe.

The unfortunate consequence is that every fuckwit in the civilized, free world will be podcasting this event and telling us about Aliens and Xenu.

What Exactly Is An Eclipse

What those dirty non-believers want you to believe

Really? If you're one of those Giant Terrestrial Land Hydra - Flying Spaghetti Monster twits that can't believe the truth when we tell you that a Giant Scandinavian Wolf was born when an angry dwarf fucked a horse, is eating the sun then we'll amuse you with the lie.

An eclipse is when an astronomical body is temporarily obscured by a second body as it passes between the primary body and the viewer in what is known as syzygy or a straight-line configuration of three celestial bodies in a gravitational system.

After such a nice triple point, scrabble word like syzygy, most of you will stick with the easier example that a giant wolf is eating the sun.

Eclipse Safety

No matter what you heard, this will never happen
When the sun is covered the door will be opened to the netherworld and demons will have domain over Earth again. You will only be able to protect yourself with a sword

First and foremost, despite what you've heard, staring at a solar eclipse at the moment it achieves totality is perfectly safe because it's only the moon you are looking at. If there was any danger of looking at the moon don't you think there would be warnings about doing it at night? You can look all you want at the moon at night with nothing happening to your eyes - so how can it be any more dangerous during a total eclipse? In fact, you can even view the moon through a light amplifying tool like a telescope with no ill effects! So how can an eclipse be bad? All this talk about infrared and U.V. Radiation is nothing but lies because have you ever heard of anyone getting a sunburn at night? It has never happened.

If for some reason your mom is bitching you out about blue shift, radiation and other made up things that don't exist, all you need is a good pair of Raybans and you'll be perfectly safe because they advertise themselves as being able to filter out 100% of all these made up things. Besides, the reason why no one wants you to look at the moon unprotected during an eclipse is because you'll be able to see the rabbits living on it's surface mining marshmallow topping. So go ahead, stare away.

The ED Mythos Regarding Eclipses

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  • The reason the Diamond Ring event happens during an eclipse is because Chris Chan is trying to win over another girl that he has fallen in love with by offering her jewelry.
  • Some have said an eclipse happens because Girlvinyl's fat ass is getting in the way of the sun. Make sure you scream, "Move your fat ass out of the way Girlvinyl" at the sky to make the eclipse go away.
  • Trolls showed up at Null's Mother's house again so he turned out the Sun and is hiding under the bed.
  • God is rolling his eyes at all the little T.I.T.S faggots.
  • It's a Darwin Test designed by God himself to weed out the dumbass, dirty potheads and the Short Bus Squad by getting them to stare at the sun and melt their eyes right out of their heads.
  • After a 3 hour mathematics lecture by Carl Sagan on the Ouija Board, it's a predictable astronomical event where the moon blocks the sun and casts a shadow on the Earth. Seriously? Who would ever believe this line of Bullshit?

Eclipse Maps 2024 United States



See Also


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